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For many parents, establishing a consistent sleeping routine can be a real challenge. Parents can be faced with their child having difficulties sleeping, the child not wanting to go to sleep or even refusing to stay in bed!
It is a common problem for parents, and a one that can affect children of various ages. Whilst there can be a number of reasons why children have these difficulties, for me, the first area to look it is always the sleeping routines at home. Usually, when parents go down the medical route to explore medication, one of the questions they will be asked, is around the routines they have at home.
Therefore, I wanted to write a post that focuses on some key points for parents to consider when thinking about establishing sleeping routines at home. I am not a big believer in the, “Guaranteed to work sleeping routines” that you can find online. Every child is different and will respond differently. Instead, I will look to give some suggestions and ideas of what you can be thinking about as a parent, to ensure that you can create the most effective sleeping routine, that works for YOUR child.
1. Knowing your end goal.
What is your ideal sleeping routine?
In order to know what to do today, you need to know what you are aiming for in the future. Picture what your version of an ideal sleeping routine is for your child. This should be the vision that guides what you do in the short term.
I have seen it on a number of occasions when parents are making changes to a routine, or are trying to find the quick fix to problems they are facing. Whilst on some occasions, these parents will stumble across a quick fix that works in the short term, these quick fixes can also create longer term issues.
For example, you may have a young child and your goal as a parent is for that child to sleep through the night independently. In the short term, this child may be crying out for adult attention through the night to help them sleep. The quick fix would be to give the child that attention. However, in the long run you are creating a routine with the child of them expecting adult attention all through the night. If you asked the parents if they would want to be up all through the night doing this for the long term, the likely answer will be no.
This is why it is important to think about what you want your long term routine to look like. This is what you will be aiming for and this should guide most of your short term decisions when trying to establish sleeping routines.
Working backwards.
Once your long term aim is established, it can be a useful exercise to start working backwards and break this down into smaller steps. Depending on your starting point, there may need to be a number of changes made to your existing routine. Rarely are you going to be able to change the whole routine straight away with success. This amount of change can be overwhelming for some children. It can also be overwhelming for parents! Therefore, using smaller steps will create that change over a longer period of time. This makes it more manageable for child and parents. This increases the chances of long term success.
For example, you may want to start your whole sleeping routine with the child brushing their teeth. So your first step may be to introduce doing this at a set time, each day for a week or more. Once you feel confident that this is now accepted by the child and is working well, you can introduce a second step. This second step may be to read a book together. You then follow the same principal for each step you want to add.
You know your child and family best. Have a think about what would work for you as a parent? What your child would be able to manage and cope with? Then try and build some smaller steps working towards your long term goal. How big or small these steps are, will be up to you.
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Patience.
Whether you have bigger steps or smaller steps, lots of steps or fewer steps, one thing that is needed regardless, is patience. It is in our nature as parents to want results as soon as possible. However, to establish successful sleeping routines, takes time and consistency.
For some children, you can have a lot of success straight away. For others, there can be some initial resistance and challenge that the child demonstrates. If you do not see that immediate success, don’t be discouraged. In my experience, you tend to see more challenge early on, than you do immediate success. This is likely because your child is not used to the change and prefers the comfort of what they have been used to. Once the children become more accustomed to the new routine, they will develop more comfort with it and the level of challenge should decrease.
There can be a long list of reasons why children may initially challenge a new routine. However, I would suggest that parents show as much patience as possible before considering changing the routine again. When you read research in this area, it has been suggested that it can take longer than 2 months for a behaviour to become automatic. This is not to say it will always be this long. However, it gives you an idea of how much patience may be required when establishing sleeping routines.
2. Having a “whole evening” routine.
Structured build up to bedtimes.
Having successful sleeping routines, actually starts a lot earlier than the bed time itself. I always feel that sleeping routines are best thought of as “evening routines”. This is because it is important to structure your evenings towards a successful bed time for the child.
Having a consistent structure is so important for children. It is one of the reasons why schools operate the way they do. Younger children especially, will access the school or their classrooms through the same door. They will have the same coat peg. Have their own seat and will follow the same daily structure of break times and lunch times. This is all done so that the day is predictable for the child. This will give them a sense of comfort and security.
Imagine if when going to school, your child entered the building in different ways. They were in different classrooms each day. Sat in different places and their daily breaks/lunches were at different times…it would be chaos!
Repeatable tasks.
The same applies to your routines. If your routine is different for the child everyday, it is much more likely that you will have difficulties getting the child to sleep. Therefore, some structured and repeatable tasks through the evening can help give that structure. In turn, this helps the child understand what comes next and prepares them for going to sleep without them realising. This can involve having an order of tasks that are completed before bed time. For example, meal time at a similar time each night, home work completed, having free time, bath time, brush your teeth and then read together before going to sleep. This is just an example, however, if this is repeated night after night, the child will soon learn to expect what happens next.
Therefore, when thinking about your sleeping routine, extend this thought out to the whole evening and create a little timetable of what would work for your family.
Visual aids.
For many children, it takes more than verbal explanation for a child to comprehend what the routine is. Therefore, it can be very helpful to find ways to help embed the routine, supporting the child to understand what the routine is going to be.
One example of how this can be done, is by using visual aids like a visual timetable. This can be presented in a number of ways. You could use pictures or objects that indicate what task is to be completed and when. Alternatively, you can use written timetable or a “To Do List”. Any of these can be located around the house. You could have them in the child’s bedroom, in the kitchen or wherever is most appropriate for the child to see these regularly.
Having these timetables in a place they can be seen regularly and referred to consistently, all help the child absorb the information. Depending on the needs of the child, will change how this information is presented and how you use it. However, I have seen it make a massive difference, particularly for children with Special Educational Needs (SEND).
Child’s voice.
A different way to help the child understand and absorb the new routine, is to include them in its creation. As parents, we will know what sort of routine we want to create and why we want to do so. Children don’t always see it the same way. However, there can be opportunities to involve your child in creating the routine and give them a say in how it is structured.
Doing so, can make the child feel more included in the process. Which in turn invites them to buy into it a lot more than what they would if they have no say in it at all. I am not suggesting that all decisions are ran through the child. As this will likely do the opposite of what you want! However, there are some elements that you could give the child some control over.
For example, you could give the child an opportunity to decide the order in which some tasks are completed. A child may have to complete homework, have some free time, brush their teeth and have a bath before bed. In this case, you may ask the child to order these tasks as they would like it. For a parent, it may be of little consequence which order your child completes these. However, for the child, they feel like they are controlling what happens. They are getting to do what they want and when they want. All of which helps the child buy into the routine.
3. Where are the loopholes?
Where can it go wrong?
Children can be very clever when it comes to finding the loopholes in parent requests, rules or routines. As a result, it can be worthwhile trying to put yourself in the mind of your child and try and spot any loopholes or potential issues in the sleeping routine you are trying to establish.
Are there any opportunities for your child to get out of what you are asking of them? Can they manipulate your routines to their advantage? If there is a will, there is a way!
You may not be able to see these loopholes until the child has already found them. Not to worry, this is usually the case. The key is to make sure you make the reasonable adjustments to ensure the child cannot repeat and use the loophole again!
Is it repeatable?
When thinking about establishing your sleeping routine, it is important to ensure that it is repeatable. A routine that can only be followed a few times a week, will not have the success of a one that can be followed day in, day out. Therefore, I would suggest thinking about what potential barriers there are for your day to day family life. Are there any work commitments that would impact the routine? Other children that need to be considered? Thinking along these lines will allow you to predict and overcome potential barriers, so that the routine is repeatable as often as possible.
Can it be flexible?
A good routine is a one that can be flexible and gives you the freedom to adapt to any changing circumstances or environments. For example, a child may stay at another family member’s house for a night, therefore, the environment is totally different. However, this does not need to mean that the whole sleeping routine cannot be implemented. Having a routine that is not specific to being at home or having access to certain items, will give parents the flexibility to implement the routine in any environment.
It is a small point and a point that may only be relevant to a few. However, it is still worth considering if your child is likely to spend time away from the home or you would like to ensure that you have a routine that can be flexible.
4. Is your child prepared to go to sleep?
Too stimulated?
To give your child the best opportunity to get to sleep, it is important to ensure that efforts are made to prepare your child to go to sleep. What I mean by this, is ensuring that steps are taken to avoid the child being too stimulated just before they are expected to go to sleep.
Personally, I am terrible for this when it comes to my own sleeping habits. Just before going to sleep, I will be lying in bed in the dark, being lit up by a bright light as I am scrolling on my phone. As a result, I am then tossing and turning in bed for a long time trying to get to sleep. This is because I have not suitably prepared myself to go to sleep. I have started to stimulate and wake up my brain, just as I want to do the opposite!
I have worked with countless children who are doing similar things in their homes. Parents allowing them a lot of screen time just before they are meant to go to sleep. This could be playing games, being on phones/tablets or watching TV. Therefore, if your child is currently having difficulties sleeping, it is worth thinking about the access to screen time your child has and how close it is to their bed times.
Wind down time.
A good way to counter this is to establish an activity in your routine that settles your child and prepares them for sleep. Activities like reading together or having some bonding time in a calm and settled environment, helps the child start to wind down and prepare for sleep.
This may be something you plan into your structure and do every night. It can also be a positive bonding activity between a parent and a child. Of course, there will be a number of factors that would impact a parent’s ability to do this every night. Furthermore, the age of the child may dictate that this is no longer appropriate.
For example, older children or teenagers, will likely not want to sit and read with their parent before bed. However, this does not stop a parent from ensuring that there is a calmer period before they are due to sleep, by limiting screen time.
What are they used to?
When considering how prepared your child is for sleep, it is important to factor in what their past experience has been when it comes to sleep and what routine they are used to. For example, if your child is used to getting up in the middle of the night and getting attention, it is unrealistic to expect that to just stop immediately.
However, you can prepare them for this change by using a combination of strategies. Positive reinforcement is a good way of achieving this. For example, setting the child a target of staying in their bed for the full night, will lead to a reward the following day. This can be done alongside a verbal explanation of what your expectations are. On the other hand, you may also combine this with consequences for not following the instruction. Either way, this needs to be done consistently and over time for it to work.
Regardless of the situation, ask yourself what your child is used to happening in terms of sleeping routines. Doing so may help you understand why a child has difficulties in certain aspects and enable you to overcome some barriers beforehand.
5. The environment.
Sensory needs.
Finally, parents should consider the sleeping environment itself. Different children will sleep better in different environments. Some will prefer quiet and darkness, others may prefer background noise or night lights. My little girl Evelyn, she actually struggles to sleep in complete silence and prefers having some background noise.
There is no exact answer of what each child needs. However, it is a consideration that could be made by parents. Try to think about if there are any sensory needs that may help your child sleep. This may be particularly relevant for children with SEND needs.
Again, this may be a smaller consideration. However, it is a one that I have seen can make a huge difference when combined with other points discussed above.
Summary
In reality, there are a number of children who require further support or medication when it comes to their sleeping. Therefore, you can have the most perfect routine ever established and your child could still experience some difficulties. As a result, if you do feel as though you have established positive sleeping routines and your child is still struggling, I would recommend seeking some more support from a medical point of view.
For most children, a structured and consistent sleeping routine, combined with patience and commitment from the parent, is all that is needed for a child to overcome any sleeping issues. They key is consistency and I cannot stress that enough. The points discussed above, take time to be effective. It is important to manage expectations and view this as a long term approach.
In summary, every child is different and needs to be considered in their own right. The points I have discussed above are simply areas to consider if you have a child who has difficulty sleeping. Also if you are finding it difficult to establish a sleeping routine. My hope is that you are able to use this information to make your own decisions to create a routine that works for you and your child.
Question for the comments: What does your bed time routine with your child look like?
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So true! To get a good quality of sleep, the environment must be good too. I was one a warm, cozy, comfortable, and save environment.