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5 Ways of Improving Relationships with Your Children

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

When it comes to improving the relationships we have with our children, it is sometimes helpful to look back at the relationship we had with our own parents/carers growing up. Some of us may have/had very healthy and enjoyable relationships with our own parents. This being something we are hoping to replicate with our own children. For others, they may have had very turbulent relationships with their parent/carers and are looking to avoid a similar dynamic with their own children.

Relationship challenges can be common.

However, regardless of the family history and background, the vast majority of parents will experience a form of relationship difficulty with their children at some point. These could be relatively minor and short lived. Alternatively, they can be a significant factor that disrupts day to day family life.

I consider myself fortunate to have enjoyed a very happy and enjoyable relationship with my parents growing up. However, I still remember to this day a period of time in which I was constantly clashing with my Dad. This lasted for months and often led to us not speaking. We would be arguing in public. Clashing over every little thing in the home and in all honesty, I cannot remember why. We laugh about it now, however, at the time it did not feel like a laughing matter and it was difficult for us both.

For many parents though, these issues do not get resolved so quickly. Over the longer term, can have a significant impact on the parent/child relationship. As a result, I wanted to share some of my thoughts on what can have a positive impact on improving some of these relationships with our children.

1. Understanding why your relationship is the way it is.

Look backwards, to go forwards.

If you have read this far and are a parent looking to improve your relationship with your child, you have already taken the first step in doing so. Sometimes, the hardest step for parents to take is to accept that there is more that they can be doing to facilitate this change.

Children, especially teenagers, can make life very unpleasant for parents. This can lead parents down the path of thinking it is the child that needs to change and build the bridges. In reality, the majority of children will continue to behave or act in the same way, if the environment around them remains the same. Parents taking steps to change that environment themselves, is often the path that leads to best outcomes.

However, before making any changes, it is important to understand why the relationship is the way it is. This may be something you assess yourself, speak to your partner about or even speak with the child about. You are the expert in your child. Therefore, try to see things the way they would and reflect on their past experiences to determine what has led to your current situation.

Context is important.

Thinking this way can be emotional, or lead to some difficult questions we may need to ask ourselves. However, in order to plan a way forward, it is important to have the context of what has gone wrong in the past. Why has it gone wrong? What could have been done differently? There are a huge number of reasons why relationships with your child may decline, too many to discuss in depth. However, I would suggest trying to avoid any blame when exploring why the relationship needs to improve. What has happened, has happened. It is important to now learn from the past and move forward with a fresh and positive outlook.

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2. Listening to your child and hearing what they have to say.

Child’s voice.

When thinking about the relationships we have with people, there are two sides to them. As a result, when parents are looking to improve their relationship with their child, it is important to consider the child’s point of view and the feelings they have.

For me, there is a difference between listening to your child, and actually hearing what they have to say. I have seen on a number of occasions, parents letting their child speak and appearing to be listening to them, only to then respond in a way that would suggest they were not listening at all.

For example, I have come across scenarios in which a parent could decide they want to spend some 1:1 time with their child. That parent may decide where they are going, what they are going to do and when they are going. When the child is then informed of this, the child may state they don’t want to do this or may refuse to go. Usually because this is not something they want to do. Usually because they haven’t been consulted. The parent is then faced with pushing the child to still go, and risk it not being a positive or enjoyable experience. Or alternatively, cancel the plans. Neither of which are particularly helpful for their relationship.

What is the child really saying?

In this scenario, the child may just be telling you that they do not want to do this activity, not that they don’t want to spend time with their parent. The parent was listening to the child, but not really hearing them correctly. This is more common with older children, who become more independent, self-conscious and want to be in control. Had the parent in the example above consulted with the child and agreed a plan together, this could have led to a much more successful bonding time.

Hearing the child.

This is just one example of why listening to the child and considering their thoughts and feelings can make a big difference. Especially when it comes to building relationships. In reality, there are a number of other smaller day to day examples, in which parents can miss opportunities to hear their child. If this is a pattern over time, this can lead to the child building frustration and resentment. Again, over time this may lead to more conflict and ultimately, relationships in decline.

How would we feel as adults?

Think about it in an adult context. Let’s say your partner has arranged a day out for you both. They tell you where you are going, when you are going and what you will be doing. You may not be happy with this, as you have had no notice. You may not be in the mood for a certain activity, or may not want to go out at all. Refusing will likely upset your partner as they put in the effort to arrange everything. However, refusing isn’t you saying, “I don’t want to spend time with you”. It may just be a case of saying, “that isn’t what I want to do right now, let’s think of something else.

My suggestion to address this is relatively simple and applies to children of all ages. Give your child opportunities to have an input in some decisions, share their thoughts/feelings and encourage an open dialogue between parents and child. This isn’t a quick fix, however, it lays the foundation for an improved relationship over time. As you are going to have a better understanding of your child, their point of view will be included a lot more in decision making, which in turn will lead to less conflict.

3. Starting small and building

It doesn’t always need to be extravagant.

When thinking of improving relationships with children, the temptation can be there to try and do too much too soon. I have witnessed a number of parents in the past, who plan big extravagant events or activities with their child, only for the child to refuse. This can then frustrate the parent, may lead to more conflict and the cycle repeats.

Therefore, I have always advised parents that they need to take stock of where their relationship actually is with their child. Score it on a scale of 1-10, and assess what your starting point is. If the situation isn’t too bad and you are simply looking at spending more time together, big days out or big activities will likely be positive. However, for difficult or challenging relationships, these are unlikely to be successful. For instance, you may not be able to be in the same room as your child for longer that 20minutes without arguing. Therefore, a full day out together may be a bit too much to ask for at first!

Patience is key.

If this is you and your child, I would suggest starting small. Patience is the key. Improving relationships with children does not happen overnight, therefore, having a long term approach will also help you manage your own expectations. “Starting small” is a relative idea. For some, this may be simply going for a meal together. For others, this could be having a 10 minute conversation every day. Each relationship will need a different response, so there is no one suggestion that will be appropriate for everyone. Do you need to spend more time together? Are you too isolated together and need to get out the house more? Do you not communicate? Try to think of what your immediate goal is. Then plan a small and simple response that can be repeated frequently.

Start small

Small acts of kindness and affection are also little acts that can be done throughout the day. It is just important to be conscious of what level of affection your child is comfortable with. For example, older children may prefer “High fives” or pats on the back rather than cuddles and kisses.

Once you have started small, they key is to build on it. This may need to be done in a slow and steady fashion. It could be small increases to the frequency you do something together, or the duration of an activity. Again, this will be entirely dependent on what you want to achieve together with your child. However, starting small and building more and more time together, with more positive and open communication, will help create an environment in which relationships can grow.

4. Plan time/activities together.

One of the more common and difficult barriers parents can face, is finding time to spend with their child or children. Parents may work, have responsibilities, other children or combination, which makes planning activities all the more difficult. This isn’t necessarily the parents fault, nor is it the child’s fault. More so, the realities of what can be family life can be like at times.

Making it a priority.

When considering improving relationships between parents and children, it does need to be something that is made more of a priority. One of the more successful ways in doing so, is building something into your daily/weekly routines.

Similar to what I have just discussed above, this may start small. It could be that the family eat meals together or spending 20 minutes one to one with your child every evening. Ideally, spending 1:1 time with each child can have a big impact on the relationship you have with that child. One of the best ways of doing so, is planning that time into your routine, in a way that works for you and your child.

There are a number of examples of how you can do so. For younger children, this can their bath time, or reading a story with them before bed. For older children, it could be going out to do something they enjoy. Alternatively, it can even be playing a video game with them. This is something I have seen have a lot of success, as the children love beating their parents at the games! Again, you know your child best and what they would most enjoy. Factor in their point of view, consider how to balance your own responsibilities and ensure that this time together is quality time.

5. Consistency.

So you have understood why your relationship with your child is where it is. You have ensured that you are listening and hearing your child’s thoughts and feelings. You have started with some small activities or small periods of time together and have planned some suitable activities together. There is one key point that now needs to be prioritised. Being consistent.

Being consistent.

To ensure that progress is made in the relationship, it is vital that you are consistent in what you are doing. Consider how a child would feel it they have a week of spending more time with their parent, doing lots of fun activities, only for it all just to stop. What would the child think next time you say you want to spend time with them?

Spending time with a child consistently, is what will lead to the positive outcomes. For a lot of children, all it takes is their parent’s just spending time with them playing or chatting. It doesn’t always need to be big activities or days out. More so, it is the child just knowing their parent is interested in spending time with them, wants to do so and does so often.

Past experiences.

Also, think about what the child’s past experience is. If they have grown up with not much time spent with parents, with this time being inconsistent or being let down by parents, they may be more sceptical about starting to spend time with you. Therefore, this would be another case of starting really small and building that trust with the child.

Furthermore, you may have teenagers who always decline offers of spending time together. Again, this can really common and can be for a number of reasons. Teenagers increasingly want to spend more time with their peers, rather than their parents. Despite this, they still have emotional needs that need meeting. So if your teenager does keep saying no to you, don’t give up. Keep offering. Think about it from the teenager’s perspective, if they see their parents keep offering to spend time with them. Now think about how the teenager would feel if the parents just stop trying.

Being consistent shows your child you are committed to improving the relationship and spending time with them for the long term. Every child will react differently to this. Some may be open to it, some may be more sceptical and put up barriers. However, being consistent in your efforts and showing you will not give up, sends a powerful message to the child that you are committed and not willing to give up.

Summary.

In summary, rebuilding relationships with children can be tough. It takes patience, understanding and commitment by the parents to lead that change. Rarely will children initiate any change, it has to be parent led. Some of the suggestions I have discussed above are to offer some helpful insights that hopefully can set you off down the right path. Ultimately, every family situation is different and in turn, needs its own unique response. Some families need additional support from outside professionals or services. Regardless, there is no quick fix. It does take time. However, the best solution for your family will come from you. So long as you are invested in changing your own approach and being consistent in doing so, this will give you the best chance of building your relationship with your child.

Question for the comments: How do you structure in time to spend with your child?

I hope you have enjoyed this post, please share your thoughts, stories or questions below in the comments. Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future posts.

(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such)

5 Comments

  1. Vanessa

    This is a great topic on such a tender topic. I subscribe all the recommendations you shared. It can be muddy and tricky to look back into our childhood but sometime it is really necessary to improve the relationships we have in the present moment – and when we have children, sometimes we unconsciously recreate problems to heal wounds from the past. Following your tips here is a step into the right direction. Thank you for sharing.

    • theblogstandardparent

      Thank you so much. You are right, it can be challenging to look back at our own experiences but it can be such a helpful exercise to help our own children.

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