Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
It is perfectly natural to have lots of worries about becoming a parent for the first time. I distinctly remember finding out that I was to become a first time parent. My wife and I had agreed beforehand that we would always do pregnancy tests together and find out together. So to my surprise one evening, my wife walks into the living room, apologising over and over. She is not telling me why she is apologising, so I have a million ideas going through my head of what she could possibly have done.
She then holds up a positive pregnancy test.
Relieved that she wasn’t apologising for something horrific and that it was just because she did a pregnancy test without me, I burst out laughing as we celebrated.
However, sooner or later reality started to set in. My mind drifted to the future and what is about to happen. This is when my fears, worries and anxieties started to set in. It is a leap into the unknown and you have no way of knowing for sure how it will all work out.
However, these feelings are completely normal. I had my fair share of fears and worries, so I wanted to share what mine were and ask you, what were some of your fears as you became a first time parent? Let me know in the comments.
1. Making mistakes.
One of the first worries that came to my mind, was making mistakes as a parent. Babies are so small and vulnerable. I immediately put so much pressure on myself, thinking that I am going to have to do everything perfectly and make no mistakes.
Unfortunately, I am a big over thinker. I will micro analyse everything to the point in which I completely stress myself out about it. So building up to the birth and after the birth itself, I would worry so much about doing something wrong or making a mistake. My confidence wasn’t very high, naturally as I was a first time parent.
Unfortunately, this was reinforced immediately after the birth when my wife kindly volunteered me to put my little girls first nappy on. I was more than happy to let the experienced nurse do it! So I did my best and stood back proud of my work, only for the nurse to tell me I had put it on backwards.
A small and silly mistake, but it was an immediate wakeup call that I will have a lot to learn!
2. Lack of sleep.
I am not a morning person. I loved my lie ins and didn’t usually do too well if I hadn’t had much sleep. So finding out you have a baby on the way, I knew the days of lie ins and full nights sleep were going to be coming to an abrupt halt.
Naturally, I was quite apprehensive and worried as to how we would cope with a lack of sleep, especially when I had to return to work. Ultimately, you do not have a choice. You are going to have a lack of sleep and it can be a grind to get through the day.
However, looking back and speaking honestly…I miss it. Now I am fully aware that I am saying this after the fact, at a time in which my daughter sleeps through the night and has done so for a long time now. At the time, I may have had a different answer for you. But seeing your child grow up so quickly, reminds you how short that period of time is. My wife and I would take turns and I would take my little girl in my arms, go down stairs and feed her. She would drink the full bottle, and cuddle up in my arms and fall straight back to sleep. It was adorable.
As tired and as tough as it can be, I would say to treasure these moments and try to enjoy them. They only last for a short period of time, but you may just miss it when it has gone!
(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)
3. Not knowing enough.
When I found out that I was going to be a Dad, I was working with and supporting parents with their own parenting challenges. I had completed a number of courses and programmes of how to work with and support young people, as well as strategies of how to parent children age 0-18.
Despite all of this, I still felt vastly unequipped and underprepared for the challenge of parenthood. Looking back, this feeling is completely justified. The reality is, that parenting is a unique and individual challenge that impacts us all differently. There is no manual of how to parent.
As I mentioned above, I micro analyse everything, so I had managed to convince myself that I had no idea how to parent a newborn baby. Naturally, this caused me to worry a lot about every aspect of parenting a baby. For instance, how will I know when to feed them? How do I know when they need to sleep? How do I burp a baby!? So many questions and despite all my training, no answers.
However, becoming a parent for the first time will always lead to a long list of questions. In reality, you are going to learn on the job. Common sense, instinct and support from friends and family around you will be your initial guide. What surprised me though, was how quickly you become and expert in your own child. You know what their little hungry cry sounds like, you figure out their routine so quickly and very soon, those questions you have are all being answered.
4. Bonding.
This may well be a worry that is more specific to me as in all honestly, I don’t know how common this is. However, for some reason I was really worried about having a positive and strong bond with my little girl. I have always had a positive relationship and bond with my own parents, so this was not based on an absence of this in my own upbringing. Perhaps it was more a case of knowing how important this bond was, therefore, I was worried about this bond not forming or even trying to push it too much.
Thankfully, I share a really nice bond with my little girl. But this was a journey of ups and downs. There have been times where she wanted nothing to do with me. Other times in which she couldn’t be away from me. Each equally tough for different reasons.
5. Finding a work/life balance.
On a more practical note, having a baby can pose logistical challenges, as you adjust all aspects of your life. We are all creatures of habit. Prior to having a child, your routine can be based around what works for you, your work or your social/family life. Having a baby can change all of this.
Prior to the birth, it is difficult to imagine how your life will need to change. You may have some idea of what may happen, but the specific details are not there until you are living it day to day. I like to have clarity and certainty in what I am doing and what my plans are, so for me, this was very challenging.
I was very fortunate that I was in a position to take holidays and paternity leave to have the first month off after my daughter was born. As a result, my wife and I quickly found us working together and forming a nice little routine each day. Once that month came to an end, we both had to quickly adapt again, as I was now out and at work from 9am-5pm each day. This can then create a range of new challenges.
Achieving a healthy work/life balance when you become a parent take time and effort. Your routine will constantly change as your baby grows and develops. However, for me this was a big worry for me before the birth and it is still something we have to work on today.
6. Finances.
In all the excitement of having your first child, it can sometimes be initially forgotten that with having a child, comes a significant financial commitment. Simply purchasing the items you need to care for a baby, can be very costly. If you then look at all the “extras” that can be bought, whether that be toys or higher end baby monitors furniture etc, the costs sharp rise.
The range of items available and that are suggested for babies seem almost endless. I still remember searching online and feeling completely overwhelmed at what I thought we would need and how much it would all cost.
Not all families are in the position to purchase every gadget and item for babies. Consequently, this can put a huge amount of pressure on expecting parents. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I had more than a few worries about how we would cope financially with having a baby. We had to make sacrifices in our own lives and be smart and practical with what we bought.
However, I certainly think that the pressure of social media and advertising, do contribute to the worries new parents may have, thinking that they need to purchase anything and everything for their new baby.
7. Social media.
I will get straight to the point, I am not the biggest fan of social media, particularly the impact it has on children and young people. I discuss more of my thoughts on social media more here.
When I was a teenager, we had Myspace for a period of time as then Facebook began to take over and it felt like that was it. Even in this short period, with a much more simplified version of social media, it changed everything about how you socialised. Not all good, but not all bad.
Nowadays, social media is a different animal and seems almost central to young people’s social lives. As part of my work, I routinely see the darker side if social media and challenges and consequences it has on children’s mental health. Therefore, simply put I am worried about what life and society will be like for young people in another 10 years.
I was worried about it before my daughter was born. I am still worried about it now. Fingers crossed it becomes a more positive and healthy aspect of children’s lives.
8. Marriage.
At the time of our daughters birth, my wife and I had only been married just over 1 year. Whilst I didn’t feel that marriage had changed our life a great deal, having a baby certainly would. Would it change our relationship?
In many ways, I think it is inevitable that your relationship with your partner would change after having your first child. How could it not? Your whole life changes with the arrival of a new baby. So leading up to the birth, you cannot help but think and perhaps even worry, about what impact the baby will have on the dynamics of your relationship.
As an example, prior to the birth of our daughter, my wife and I rarely ever argued, about anything. However, once our daughter had been born, it felt like we were arguing non-stop. This sort of dynamic in the home was tough for us both, especially when trying to learn how to be parents for the first time. But having spoken to a number of first time parents, this can be a common symptom of the arrival of a new born baby. The reality is, as partners you have both just introduced a baby that you are both completely besotted by and would do anything for. You are learning how to parent and will have varying opinions of how to do this. It is perfectly normal for there to be some disagreement or conflict around this time.
Emotions run high around this transitional time in your life. Thankfully for us, the conflict eased with time and as our comfort levels in being parents grew. Our relationship and marriage is different now, but we wouldn’t change any of it.
9. All the advice.
Once you start to tell your friends and family about your new arrival, the advice starts to flood in. It could be name suggestions, what their bedroom should look like, clothing suggestions or advice on how to be a parent.
For me and a number of other parents I have spoken to, this can be overwhelming. What is intended as a nice and positive gesture of advice and support, can inadvertently cause more worry or anxiety. Usually because they start having their eyes opened to everything they need to start thinking about.
Everyone will have their own tolerance levels of this. Some may speak up and say when they don’t want to hear anymore, some may keep quiet and absorb it happily. However, it can sometimes feel inescapable for advice to come your way. The way I coped was prioritising the advice from those who I knew and trusted most. Ultimately, it is your journey to take and it is to be taken your own way.
10. The unknown.
In my tenth and most vague worry, the unknown. What I mean by this, is that having a child is a step into the unknown. As a new parent, you don’t know what is going to happen, what parenting will be like, what your challenges will be and what your joyous moments will be.
Me as a person who likes to be in control and know what is happening, the unknown was a significant challenge. However, this is part of the magic of having a child. Every child is different. Every journey will be different. There will be ups and downs and in-betweens.
But all aspects of this journey is what will help you grow as a person. For me personally, I feel it has unlocked a new level to my emotional maturity. I am a lot more empathetic and tolerant than perhaps I have been in the past. Not sure if my wide would say the same though…
Professionally, being a parent has made me a much better practitioner when working with families, as I can share in the challenges we face and relate on a whole other level.
The unknown can be a particularly daunting part of being a first time parent, but it is also the most exciting part.
Question for the comments: What were some of your fears/worries about becoming a parent for the first time?
(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such)
I can understand that there are many worries and concerns for those who are becoming first time parents; this post will no doubt be encouraging and supportive for those going through it!
I think I worried about every single one of these. But mainly not knowing enough, work life balance and finances.