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I recently completed some training at work which focused on the roles of Dads and how these roles have changed. This training raised a number of interesting discussion points around the perception of Dads and the stereotypes that can be placed on Dads.
This got me thinking more about my own experiences being a Dad. How do we as a society think about the role of Dads and whether or not this perception needs to be updated? The role that Dads play in children’s lives has changed over the years. Do the stereotypes placed on Dads need to change too?
Therefore, I wanted to explore this in a bit more detail and share both my professional observations and personal experiences, when it comes to how Dads are perceived and whether this needs to change.
What was the perceived “role” of Dads in the past?
In years gone by, the perceived role of Dad’s were to be the main “breadwinners” and provide for the family. It would largely be the case that the father goes to work. Whilst the mother stays at home to care for the children. As a result of this, the relationships and dynamics between the children and each parent would be different. Dads may often be the parent to implement discipline and authority. The mother would be the parent who comforts the child. The child usually running to mother when hurt or in need.
This may still be the dynamic in many homes. However, as the years have gone on, this culture has shifted. Largely, this is because there has been an increase in the number of mothers going into work. This reduces the dependency on fathers having to work and provide for the family, as this is now a shared role. In turn, this means the caring responsibilities can also be shared.
This new dynamic in families has been growing as time goes on. In addition to the fact that it is now well documented how important the role of the father is in children’s lives. Here is a really interesting article discussing this topic.
However, some of the stereotypes around Dads seem to be stuck in the past. As a result, this can influence how Dads are viewed, treated and communicated with. Which is something I have experienced first hand.
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Previous negative stereotypes around Dads
So what are some of the typical negative stereotypes that can be placed on Dads?
I am sure we will all have come across some “Dad stereotypes”, either knowingly or unknowingly at some point. These could include, that Dads are incapable of looking after the children on their own. Dads are cold, unemotional and dethatched from their children. Dads are messy and unable to maintain a home. I have even seen instances where Dads are asked if they are “babysitting” their own children. Just because they have their own children with them without their mother. Would anyone ever ask a mother if she were babysitting her own children if seen on her own with them?
There are many more negative stereotypes that can be applied to fathers. Of course, some of these may be true in some cases. However, these examples are becoming less frequent as the role of Dads has modernised. Despite this, some of these negative stereotypes seem to have stuck and are still being applied.
Have these stereotypes changed?
There are many examples that these negative stereotypes still exist and are used today. I have seen many examples on social media, of people using some of these stereotypes as part of their own personal jokes about family life. To be honest, many of these are great and are very funny!
For example, I saw a clip online recently showing a mother lying down to take a break alone, with the children heard screaming and crying in the background. The caption of the video was “when Dad has to look after the children”. The clip wasn’t made maliciously or to be offensive. The reality is that it isn’t offensive and being honest, it did make me laugh. But it does play into and feed the negative stereotype that Dads cannot look after their own children alone. There are also many other examples of content online, using these negative stereotypes and pushing them further into people’s minds.
The issue with this can be that whilst culturally the role of Dads has moved on, fathers are still being labelled with stereotypes that no longer apply and are often unfair. The role of mothers has moved on too. More mothers are moving into work to pursue their own careers alongside parenthood, and this is celebrated. Yet the same does not apply to progress of Dads and the role they play within families.
I see this professionally on a regular basis. I have seen family workers reluctant to even call Dads and will instead contact mothers. Even if the mother does not answer the phone, they won’t call Dad. Usually, the assumption is that mother will be more knowledgeable or more willing, which in my opinion is unfair.
Unfortunately, I have also experienced this myself.
My personal experiences as a Dad
I would class myself as a more modern Dad who actively tries to assume a proactive and engaging role in my little girl’s life. Both my wife and I work and share all responsibilities when it comes to parenthood. Therefore, a lot of these negative stereotypes, I personally feel do not apply to me in the slightest. However, I will accept that I am not the greatest at housework, so I will have to take that one on the chin!
Differences in perceptions
It was only when becoming a Dad did I realise just how different the perceptions are towards mothers and fathers. Even from before my daughter was born I felt a difference. We would go to antenatal appointments together and they would only ever speak to my wife, they barely even glanced at me, and I would have to just sit in the corner quietly. Even when I would ask a question, I felt that it was not welcomed or it was less important.
During one of these appointments, my wife was taken aside for a private chat. Doing the job I do, I know that this is to discuss any risks around domestic abuse. Which is great and important. However, I always find it strange that the Dads are never taken aside for a similar discussion. Of course the data shows that woman are the victims in the vast majority of cases. However, it should be recognised that it can go both ways and that risk should also be recognised. Especially if you are looking after the best interests of the unborn baby.
When the baby is born and you look at the various groups/activities available, the majority are targeted to mothers and babies, or would show pictures of just mothers. They don’t feel particularly inviting if Dad’s wanted to go or they needed some help and support.
When I was dismissed because I was the “Dad”
Our health visitor at the time, who completes health checks with babies after they are born, dismissed me just because I was the Dad. She arrived at our door one morning for an appointment to discuss our daughter. I informed her that my wife was at work but she was welcome to come in and discuss how things were going. Instead, she declined this offer and informed me that she will rearrange to come back when my wife is available. I couldn’t believe it, I know my daughter just as well as her mother!
Now I don’t want it to come across as though I am just moaning and complaining. The reality is that I don’t feel that any of these instances were malicious, but more a case of a stereotype applied to Dads being ingrained into how professionals view and interact with us. So when you have someone like myself who wants to be included and wants to engage, you can feel pushed to the side and almost irrelevant at times.
Do we need to change how we perceive the role of Dads?
My opinion is that it is very important that there is a shift in the way Dads are viewed and that it is acknowledged that their role has changed, no longer aligning with many of the stereotypes of old.
We had a long conversation in the training session I mentioned at the start of this post, where we were analysing the domino effect that can happen if these perceptions aren’t changed. If professionals and services from a very early point, are dismissive of Dads, do not include them or recognise their input, this will lead to some fathers believing that they have nothing to offer. In turn, these fathers may then isolate themselves and revert into the very stereotypes we have discussed and want to break. It can lead you to think, are Dads choosing to fall into these stereotypes? Or are Dads actually guided into these stereotypes by the environments around them?
I felt this unimportance myself and if it wasn’t for me doing the job I do, it would have been easy for me to think that my wife is the only one who can go to these appointments or who’s opinion is valued. As a result, I would have likely withdrawn from even going to appointments.
We need to encouragement engagement from Dads, recognise how the role of Dads has changed and move our thinking away from some of these out of date stereotypes.
(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)
How do we change our perceptions of Dads?
So how do we change this perception? That is the big question.
In regards to the social content I have discussed above, where we are making jokes and references to some of the typical stereotypes for Dads, I don’t think this is the main issue. In many respects, we are just responding to what we see or are being told.
The big change needs to come from how Dads are integrated at the earliest point. Are new fathers included in appointments? Spoken to? Their opinions and thoughts considered equal to mothers?
Is support offered to new Dads as it is to new Mothers? How are we showing Dads that they are important and their role is crucial in the upbringing of their child?
Of course, how we were all brought up when we were kids impacts how we parent. Therefore, there are a number of nuances that go into what roles Dads assume when they have children. However, if we show them from the start that they aren’t important or we are uninterested in their opinion, can we really be surprised if they assume an unimportant or uninterested role?
Summary
As always, everything I have discussed above is my own opinions and views. It is also important to recognise that not all the points above apply to every father or family. I think it is fantastic that the role of mothers is progressing and that many now feel more able to pursue their own careers and dreams alongside being a parent. I am seeing this being encouraged more and more, especially from those in power, as the UK government have introduced a new scheme of free childcare for 2 year olds to help parents get back to work.
However, I do think we could do better with recognising how the role of Dads has developed. This also needs to be encouraged and celebrated, so that more Dads feel comfortable assuming a different type of parenting role than perhaps their own Dads did when they grew up.
The social content and jokes around the Dad stereotypes are largely funny and harmless. It is when you dig a bit deeper and look a bit harder, do you see that actually there is work to be done to ensure that we are appropriately valuing the role Dads play and their importance in raising children. You can laugh at us, but at least recognise that many of us are trying harder!
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This is such an interesting read! My husband and I often have discussions on the mum / dad stereotype. He’s not had the health visitor situation but there’s been a few times we’ve looked at each other like wft. But it goes the other way too, my husband has been complimented on stuff like pushing the pram, or changing nappies, which just seems wild to me. Such a strange one.
Thank you! Yeah it’s an interesting discussion to have and you’re right, mothers can often be overlooked for what they do. I think it comes from a place of the bar being too high for mothers and too low for fathers! Thank you for your comment!
I think the role dads play has evolved (thank goodness) away from only being the detached ‘breadwinner’ and many more fathers are fully involved in their children’s lives. It is a shame that stereotypes still exist and that instances like the health visitor experience you had are still happening. The load of being responsible for child rearing has traditionally fallen mostly on the mum, and to a very large extent still does, but I think that we as a society must recognize that we should help encourage a different approach. At the moment, I would say dads do not shoulder the same amount of responsibility or role as mums do, but that does not mean dads should be overlooked if they are doing it.