Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Catching your child displaying positive behaviour often needs to be a conscious effort by the parent. A parent’s attention can be like a spotlight. Parents may be conditioned to only noticing negative behaviours, so this is all they look for and see. In doing so, a lot of positive behaviours can be missed!
Many parents I work with can talk at length about the negative behaviours their child displays. However, when I ask them about what positive behaviours their child displays, the conversation usually grinds to a halt. 9 times out of 10, the child will be displaying some form of positive behaviours. The issue is usually that the parents are not noticing them.
When interactions are more negative than positive
Parents in these situations can often feel that their every interaction with their child is negative. The parent is just constantly nagging for the child to behave or is always having to respond to negative behaviours. Over time, this can sour relationships for both the parent and the child, making home life a lot more challenging.
Why catch your child being good?
Self esteem
If you have a situation in which most of a child’s interactions with their parents are negative, what does that do to a child’s self-esteem?
Children constantly hearing negative comments about themselves over a prolonged period, can start to impact their emotional wellbeing and how they view themselves. I have spoken with a number of children in the past who are having difficulties with their behaviour, who justify their behaviour because they label themselves as a “naughty child”. A label which has been reinforced to them by the adults around them, so they start to believe it and act accordingly.
Therefore, it is important for a child’s self-esteem that the positive behaviours they display receive an equal response to that of negative behaviours. This way, the child learns that behaving positively, leads to positive outcomes and negative behaviour leads to negative outcomes. This is a much healthier alternative to a dynamic in which negative behaviours lead to negative outcomes and positive behaviours lead to nothing. Achieving this balance will have a significantly more positive impact on a child’s mental health and self-esteem.
Relationships
Can you think of anyone you know who is always being negative? Always being mean, complaining or getting on to you about anything and everything? If so, what do you think of this person? What is your relationship like with this person?
Personally, I have met plenty of people like this and I always struggle being in their company. Everyone can have their down days or times in which they need to complain, but persistently doing this is what can make you start to think less favourably towards somebody. Ultimately, this will impact how you interact with them yourself and your own behaviour around them.
This is how a child can feel towards a parent if all their interactions are negative. The respect in the relationship can disappear. Once relationships have been impacted, managing any behaviours can be very difficult. As a result, this can lead to behaviours worsening, which puts more pressure on relationships and a viscous cycle emerges.
Respect is an important aspect of the relationships between parent and child. Achieving this takes time. However, a helpful step in doing so is to recognise when your child is doing something well. Praising them, rewarding them, and reinforcing these behaviours, all contribute to the child seeing and feeling a balance in how their parents responds to them. A child seeing their parent respond in a fair and consistent way over time, will allow them to develop respect for what the parent says and in turn, the relationship can improve.
Reinforcing positive behaviour
Parents will typically respond to negative behaviours to try and prevent that type of behaviour repeating. This is often why parents can become so passionate and committed to spotting these behaviours and responding quickly. However, the same rationale stands for identifying and responding to positive behaviours. Spotting positive behaviours and responding positively to them, all helps to reinforce these good behaviours so that they are repeated. Stamping out the negatives and promoting the positives. This balanced approach can make a world of difference to parents and the child.
This doesn’t mean that you are any less vigilant to negative behaviours. More so, you are simply changing your mindset so that you are equally as vigilant when looking for positive behaviours. In response to this, many parents will say to me, “my child doesn’t display any positive behaviours”. This is rarely the case. The behaviours may be small, infrequent, or hard to spot, but there will be some form of positive behaviour being displayed. It could be as simple as the child using good manners, following a request first time of asking or following a rule of the house. For some children, you must look hard and notice the small things to start with.
It may feel strange or even uncomfortable at first, however, the impact this can have on your child is worth the effort. I get feedback from the very same parents who state that their children don’t display any positive behaviours. These parents will tell me that they never realised how many good things their child did, once they had started to look for them. For some parents, looking for these behaviours can completely change your perspective of your child. This perspective is what can drive improvements in relationships and behaviour.
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How to start?
If you feel it would benefit you to start looking for more positives in your child, but you are not sure how to start, there is one simple goal you can set yourself. The goal is this…find three things to praise your child for every day. This praise could be for the smallest of behaviours, but your task is to look for and find three things every day.
What this does is motivate and focus you as a parent to move away from you only looking for/noticing the negatives. If repeated over time, this will help you create a new mindset and routine of balancing your perspective and ensuring your attention is no longer a spotlight focus and instead, you are seeing the full picture.
However, this would be just the start. Doing this alone won’t resolve all behavioural issues or instantly make relationships better. However, it is a fundamental step in working towards progress in these areas. For further information/advice on these areas, see below for links to other posts I have written:
Managing behaviour: Using praise and rewards/Using consequences
Improving relationships: How to improve relationships with your children/Causes of conflict between parents
Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or stories in the comments below!
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As part of gentle parenting we praise a lot. And the difference we see is amazing. My toddler thanks me for her Weetabix in a morning. Respect is reciprocated!