Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
How do we learn how to parent?
Sometimes it is important to look backwards, to go forwards. How did we learn to be a parent? Where did that knowledge come from? You do not get a manual when your child is born stating, “If child refuses to follow instructions, proceed to…blah blah blah”.
Of course, various factors will influence how prepared you feel for becoming a parent. I considered myself one of those people. I worked in the profession of supporting parents, I had exposure to many challenging family situations and I was expected to assist in resolving them. Yet despite this, I still found many aspects of parenting very tough when my daughter was born. This caused me to start reflecting on my own parenting skills and the type of parent I wanted to be.
The benefit of hindsight.
I am sure we will all have opinions on how we were parented ourselves. What our parents did well? What we didn’t like? With the benefit of hindsight, the pros and cons appear a lot clearer. I remember a time when I was 14 and I wanted to go to my friend’s house who lived 8 miles away. The only route getting there being a dual carriageway. I had no means of getting there, so my parents said I could not go. In my infinite teenage wisdom, I felt aggrieved. I went on to text my friend that my Mam is a “f**king b**ch” for not letting me walk the 8 miles down a motorway to his house.
My parents actually found out about this. They had told me that there were some issues with our phones. They said that messages from mobiles had come through to our house phone, and they had seen the message. Needless to say, I got in a lot of trouble!
However, with the benefit of hindsight and now being an adult, this was definitely a “Parent Lie” by my parents! There is no way my texts went to the house phone, they must have looked through my messages!
The good and the bad.
In any case, thinking back to situations like this help me realise what my parents did well and what I would like to continue with my daughter. On the other side, there are also parts that I would like to do differently to my parents. That is not a criticism, more so that we all try to rectify the mistakes and injustices we felt as children. We try to correct them for our children and in the meantime, make a whole bunch of new mistakes that our children will take with them.
This leads me on to those who have had difficult upbringing themselves. Unfortunately, this is all too common and you find that those individuals have additional challenges when they become parents. They have missed out on a positive role model. A role model that would serve to provide the lessons that help us when we have children of our own.
The importance of role modelling.
Whether we like it or not, we are role models for our children. They are going to pick up our good traits and our bad traits. Our job is to try and limit the bad and enhance the good, which is easier said than done.
I remember supporting a parent who had taken issue with their child swearing at them. It was just myself and the parent speaking, however, throughout the conversation they would be swearing as part of their natural speech. I therefore highlighted that if they were swearing naturally with myself, it is likely that the children will be picking this up for themselves. This is something they had never thought about and accepted that this is likely the case.
“Remember, children are always watching and always learning from you.”
Another example was a parent who often spoke quite rudely to their own parent in earshot of the children. This parent would then complain that their child speaks to the them disrespectfully. Again, I highlighted that the child sees their own parent, speak to their parent in an unkind way. Can we realistically judge children for behaving in exactly the same way?
Remember, children are always watching and always learning from you. I find it is very useful to keep the idea of role modelling in your mind when it comes to your own actions.
Generational parenting.
Generational Parenting is a term which highlights the challenges that emerge from situations like those mentioned above. If children go on to learn and embed these negative behaviours throughout their childhood, this will become their standard of how to parent.
“It is never too late to start thinking about the type of role models we are as parents, or what our child is learning from us.”
Those traits that may have caused issues or challenges for the family, will then be passed on through the generations. However, all is not lost! It is never too late to start thinking about the type of role models we are as parents, or what our child is learning from us.
Think back to how you were parented, what did you like? What did you not like? Reflect on the type of parent you are now, ask yourself, what would your child say about you in 20 years’ time? These sort of questions can set us on the path of understanding our own parenting and what is working well and what we could do differently.
Question for the comments: Have you ever had a moment when parenting where you have realised you have become your own parent? Let me hear your stories in the comments below!
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