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Getting your toddler to sleep is not always an easy task. Nor is it an exact science for every child and family. Many parents have significant trouble getting their toddlers to sleep at night. Over time, this causes a huge amount of stress and anxiety for parents when bedtime looms.
However, there are steps that can be taken that gives parents the best chance of having repeated success, when it comes to getting their toddler to sleep. I will note, every child and situation is different. Where some strategies work for some, they do not always work for all. Some families require additional help and support to address these issues. For example, health professionals or family support services. Despite this, the steps below can be a good starting point and something worth trying, as I have seen first-hand that when repeated consistently and over time, significant improvements can be made in getting your toddler to sleep.
1. Preparing the child for sleep
One of the first dominos to fall when it comes to getting your toddler to sleep, can be that they are simply not ready to sleep. What I mean by this, is that the child has not been suitably prepared to transition from the fun, games and stimulation, to being calm and ready to sleep. A child that is unprepared for sleep, will take longer to settle, demonstrate more resistance and will likely create a lot more stress for the parent.
How do you prepare a child for sleep?
Firstly, timing is an important factor to consider. If you start preparing your child for sleep too soon, this can lead to a more drawn out process in which your child can start to resist, as they are simply not tired enough. Leave it too late and your child can become “over tired”. As a parent myself, I always find that when my toddler is over tired, it is a lot more frustrating to deal with. My little girl will almost become frantic and hyper. She won’t settle or even consider going to sleep in this state. This despite the fact that she would be constantly rubbing her eyes and yawning. In my mind I am just screaming, “If you are so tired, just go to sleep!” If only it were that easy. Either way, identifying a suitable time to start your preparations is an important consideration to make.
Secondly, is what you can do once you have decided it is time to settle down and prepare for sleep. This is where it can become a bit more subjective, as it can depend heavily on what family life looks like. Some points to consider include, how much screen time your toddler has before going to bed? Have they had a period of time in a calm and quiet environment to settle before bed? Have they had enough to eat/drink? All of these are factors that would influence a toddler’s readiness to sleep. If they are overstimulated, are still higher energy, hungry/thirsty or are simply too excitable to think about sleep, the toddler is likely to refuse any attempts to start a bed time routine.
2. The “Bedtime Routine”
Having a consistent and repeatable bedtime routine with your toddler, is one of biggest factors that can improve sleeping habits. Routine is an important element of a young child’s life. Predictable and consistent routines around a child, can in many cases take away a lot of challenge that parents face.
“Bedtime routines” will vary from family to family, as each parent strives to find the best way of getting their toddler to sleep. As a result, there is no one routine that will work for every family and every child. However, what is important is that the routine is repeatable and consistently applied.
Bedtime routine example:
Routines are often most effective when they are simple and clear. For example, a routine may start with the TV/Games/Stimulating activities stopping at a set time. This could be followed by bath time, brushing teeth and getting into sleepwear. Finally, a quiet activity like reading together or some bonding time can be spent to settle down before then being put into bed.
The above example may not be suitable for every family. However, it represents a routine that is easily repeatable if the environment or circumstances change. It can be challenging for parents if a routine is established that is entirely dependent on being at home. What will then happen if the family go on holiday or the child has a sleepover somewhere else? Therefore, a simple routine that can be copied and repeated no matter where you are, will make it a lot easier for parents in getting their toddlers to sleep.
Routines will also help your child predict and understand what is coming next. For example if the above routine was in place, over time your child will learn that after bed time comes reading time, after which will be bed time. The child’s learns and accepts what is going to happen next, because it has happened each and every night repeatedly for a long time. The level of challenge decreases and you no longer need to negotiate or push your child to comply, as they will have already accepted what is to come. There are simple and clear steps that the child learns to expect.
There will be challenges!
Getting to the point where challenge decreases and your toddler is more compliant, does not come immediately, There are challenges along the way. Therefore, it is important to manage your expectations and understand that when you are just starting to implement a routine, it will take time to be established. It is vital that parents stick to the routine for better or for worse at least for a number of weeks.
If you are looking for more detailed advice around sleeping routines, please see my post on this topic here:
5 Points to consider when establishing sleeping routines with children
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3. Dealing with the challenges
There is one thing that is not in short supply when your toddler isn’t sleeping, and that is challenges for the parent. It can be incredibly frustrating and anxiety inducing when every bedtime is a battle and your child will not go to sleep. There can be many reasons why and often no immediate solutions.
Even when attempting to establish sleeping routines, this often comes hand in hand with its own fair share of challenges. In the early stages of establishing sleeping routines, this in itself, is a change for the child. Change is often a difficult concept for young children to cope with. Therefore, parents may experience quite a lot of pushback and not a lot of success early on. This is not a case of the routine not working. More so, this is the child learning to cope with the change and only through commitment, consistency and repetition will the child learn to cope with and ultimately, accept this new routine. Think of it as the short term battle for the long term gain!
There is no easy way!
Dealing with these challenges is tough and there is no easy way of dealing with them. However, a parent’s mindset can make a major difference in a parent’s capacity to cope with and meet these challenges. Should a parent understand and accept that in the short term, they are going to experience a high degree of challenge, they are already in a better place to meet these challenges. Toddlers may shout, scream, cry or even lash out. They are trying every strategy in the book to stop you doing what you are doing. If you listen to them and stop what you are doing, that toddler learns these strategies work. If you continue on and consistently follow the path you are on, the child will eventually learn these strategies do not work and they move towards accepting the new routine.
How long this takes will be different for every child. Some children can accept new routines very quickly. However, remember that YOU are the expert on YOUR child. You will know best what sort of routine will work for them. Trust and use that knowledge to find a routine that works for you and your child. Then stick to it!
4. Consistency
It is a word you will have seen me use repeatedly throughout this post. This is because it is absolutely essential to any progress being made in getting your toddler to sleep. Research has shown that it can take 66 days on average for a new behaviour to become automatic. This is subject to change dependent on the who and the what. However, this can give you an indication of the type of commitment that may be required to ensure that change is sustained.
The best mindset may be to not to worry about the timeframes. I often advise the parents I work with to not set a deadline or think about making changes too quickly. Instead, I suggest that they identify what they want to change, how they are going to change and then simply…do it. Do it unconditionally, for better or for worse for at least a month. Once a month has gone by, assess any progress made/not made and determine if changes are needed.
It is important to remember that even at a young age, a child can get used to parents backing down or giving up when trying something new. This will only serve to motivate the child in the long run to outlast their parents when challenging any new routines or boundaries.
Consistency is key, I cannot stress that enough.
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If this doesn’t work?
Sometimes it is not just a case of establishing the steps above. For some toddlers, there are other factors at play that require a different level of support. However, this does not mean that the steps above are irrelevant in anyway. It is still good practice to have these steps established with you toddler to help them get to sleep.
Despite this, many parents can work tirelessly to establish the most clear and consistent sleeping routines and after months of trying, see no reward for their efforts. If you fall into this category, my next suggestion is to explore further support for your child or the family. For example, you can seek support from health professionals like a Health Visitor or speak to you GP. In the Local Authority I work in currently, sleep workshops are offered to parents to help those having difficulties with their child’s sleeping. There may be similar opportunities where you live.
There are a number of wider factors that can influence your toddler going to sleep, that may need exploring. Examples could be family relationships, a past trauma or any Special Educational Needs or Disabilities (SEND). Regardless of what may be underpinning sleeping issues, it is worth seeking wider support for yourself and your child. Especially if you feel that despite your best efforts, you continue to experience difficulties in getting your toddler to sleep.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or stories in the comments below!
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