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Parenting is hard!
It is a phrase I am sure we have all heard a million times before, from a variety of people and a variety of places. “PARENTING IS NOT EASY”. “IT’S THE HARDEST JOB YOU WILL EVER HAVE”. Alternatively, you may even have been told, “DON’T DO IT!” However, the experience of becoming a parent for the first time is nothing anything can prepare you for. Even having a second, third, fourth or eighth child, brings with it a whole host of new experiences and challenges.
Nobody is perfect.
Speaking from my own personal experience, I had spent years working with children and families before having a child of my own. I would be going into families’ homes and giving parents/carers parenting advice. I would often think to myself, if they ever ask if I have children of my own, what would I say? Would I tell them the truth? Would that instantly make them think, “What the hell does he know?” Thankfully, this never happened. More so that an outsider’s opinion is exactly what the families were looking for and needed. I now appreciate that when you have your own child, you are blinded by all the attached emotions that go alongside that.
Expectations vs Reality.
Finding out I was going to be a Dad, I immediately had my own expectations of what this would entail. What type of Dad would I be? Would the fact I had been giving parenting advice for so long set me up perfectly?… Ha, yeah right.
“Our little girl is not using a dummy, we do not care how much she cries, we don’t want her to become attached to it and have to wean her off it. That lasted one week.“
The truth is that despite my professional background, the difference between expectation and the reality were night and day. I laugh with my wife at all the things we said we weren’t going to do before our little girl was born. The vast majority of which did happen and did so very quickly. The best example was giving our daughter a dummy. We were adamant. Our little girl is not using a dummy, we do not care how much she cries, we do not want her to become attached to it and have to wean her off it…that lasted one week.
We all faces challenges.
The reality is that as a parent, we will all face challenges varying in severity and significance. It is important that we do not compare these challenges from family to family. These are often subjective in nature and heavily depend on the circumstances for each individual family. However, one of the biggest challenges as a parent can be the expectation we place on ourselves.
As I mentioned above, we will all have expectations we place on ourselves when it comes to how we want to parent. However, what happens if we do not meet our own expectations? How does that make us feel? This can be a significant challenge and barrier to overcome, especially for new parents. In addition, we could feel the pressure of expectations from friends and family around us, nobody wants to look like they are struggling.
“Parenting is not about being perfect; parenting is about being good enough”
Whilst sometimes these issues are not easily resolved, I just want to say that from both my experiences working with families, as well as my experiences of becoming a parent myself, we all need help and we all have difficulties when it comes to parenting. Parenting is not about being perfect; parenting is about being good enough.
Pressures of social media.
Social media and other outside influences, can make us feel that being perfect is the standard. I am sure we will have all seen videos online of the perfect family, cooking a delicious breakfast, the children are dressed and ready for the day, the house is spotless and everyone is smiling and happy.
THAT IS NOT THE REALITY! My version of a successful breakfast, is one in which my two year old is not wearing her breakfast when leaving the house. Nevertheless, this type of content can be highly damaging to people who are struggling.
“when you are handed your baby for the first time, what you don’t get is a manual of how to care for it!”
Children challenge us and it comes in all shapes and sizes. It is important to remember that these experiences are what improve us as parents and as people. It rarely feels like that in the moment, but when you are handed your baby for the first time, what you do not get is a manual of how to care for them!
Parenting is learning by doing
Parenting is learning by doing. We make mistakes. We face challenges and children test us. This is not to diminish the fact that sometimes parents face challenges and barriers. It is at these moments in which we need to be reminded that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to struggle and find things difficult. There is support out there, you are not a burden by asking, you should not “just be able to cope” and you are not the only ones facing these issues. All of which are emotions/statements that I have seen/heard in my wife, as she struggled with post-natal depression during the COVID lockdown. (This is something I will discuss further in future blogs).
The benefit of hindsight as a parent can be a blessing and a curse. Even in these early years of my child’s life, I look back and think on things I should have done differently. In fact I probably do this on a daily basis. This is despite the fact I am a “professional” working in this area and have been advising parents for years.
It is part of the journey.
When it comes to my own parenting, I am no longer an outsider looking in. I am now reacting emotionally and I can see and feel myself doing it. Should I beat myself up for this? I used to. I have tried to push myself to think of hindsight as something useful, it is a way to learn and avoid making the same mistakes, but does not stop me making a whole bunch of new mistakes. However, this is the journey we are on. We will face difficulties and challenges along the way, but we can make the journey even more challenging for ourselves if we beat ourselves up for any mistakes made. The key is to learn from them and do your best to make adjustments, ask for support or speak to those around you for advice.
Parenting is not easy, so give yourself a break and remember that it is not easy for everybody!
Question for the comments: Have you ever felt like you are the only parent struggling? If you are comfortable sharing, please do so in the comments below!
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