What Influences do Grandparents Have on Our Children and Our Parenting?

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

I read an interesting article recently discussing the potential impact of Grandparents using outdated strategies when caring for their grandchildren. The article was based on studies completed and you can read it for yourself here. The article got me thinking about the roles and influence grandparents have in the upbringing of children and what the pros and cons of their involvement looks like.

My wife and I are extremely fortunate to have the support of both sets of grandparents. With both of us working full time, we rely heavily on them for support with childcare, because in reality if we did not have this support, we would not have been able to afford to pay for childcare and continue to work.

Many other parents find themselves in similar situations. Others may have grandparents who have less involvement for any number of reasons. For us, the role grandparent’s play in our daughter’s life is overwhelmingly positive. However, I have also worked with a number of families in the past in which grandparent involvement becomes toxic, unhealthy and unwanted. Therefore, I wanted to explore the role grandparent’s play and what influences they can have.

Influences our own parenting.

Hindsight.

I am sure we will all have opinions on how we were parented ourselves. What our parents did well? What we didn’t like? With the benefit of hindsight, the pros and cons appear a lot clearer. I remember a time when I was 14 and I wanted to go to my friend’s house who lived 8 miles away. The only route getting there being a dual carriageway. I had no means of getting there, so my parents said I could not go. In my infinite teenage wisdom, I felt aggrieved. I went on to text my friend that my Mam is a “f**king b**ch” for not letting me walk the 8 miles down a motorway to his house.

My parents actually found out about this. They had told me that there were some issues with our phones. They said that messages from mobiles had come through to our house phone, and they had seen the message. Needless to say, I got in a lot of trouble!

However, with the benefit of hindsight and now being an adult, this was definitely a “Parent Lie” by my parents! There is no way my texts went to the house phone, they must have looked through my messages!

In any case, thinking back to situations like this help me realise what my parents did well and what I would like to continue with my daughter. On the other side, there are also parts that I would like to do differently to my parents. That is not a criticism, more so that we all try to rectify the mistakes and injustices we felt as children. We try to correct them for our children and in the meantime, make a whole bunch of new mistakes that our children will take with them.

Generational Parenting.

Generational Parenting is a term which highlights the challenges that emerge from situations like those mentioned above. If children go on to learn and embed these negative behaviours throughout their childhood, this will become their standard of how to parent.

Those traits that may have caused issues or challenges for the family, will then be passed on through the generations. However, all is not lost! It is never too late to start thinking about the type of role models we are as parents, or what our child is learning from us.

Think back to how you were parented, what did you like? What did you not like? Reflect on the type of parent you are now, ask yourself, what would your child say about you in 20 years’ time? These sort of questions can set us on the path of understanding our own parenting and what is working well and what we could do differently.

Therefore, it is important to recognise that all we know about parenting comes from what we have seen, heard and felt from our own parents and those closest around us. This is a significant influence to have and a one we should be conscious of when we become parents.

(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)

Influences on our children.

The Caring Role.

When it comes to raising our children, many of us will do so with the support of grandparents. This support can come in different shapes and sizes. Grandparents may provide financial support, support in caring for the child or ongoing emotional support. Whatever this support may look like, it is inevitable that grandparents can be highly influential figures in our children’s lives.

When grandparents play a caring role with our children, it is advisable that some consideration is given to what their capacity is to meet this challenge. Are they physically/emotionally ready to play this role? Furthermore, are you on the same page when it comes to the rules/boundaries/expectations you want to impose on your child?

Conflict.

There have been numerous families I have worked with, who are in conflict with one another. Usually, this is a result of parents and grandparents not working together and not holding the same ideas when it comes to caring for children. Parenting strategies and approaches change over time. It is important to recognise this and the fact that grandparents may have ideas or approaches that are no longer appropriate. This is not their fault, more so a product of their own parenting experiences from years gone by.

As a minor example of this, when our daughter was born we would seek advice from grandparents around using and storing formula to feed her. The advice given from grandparents was to make it in bulk and store it in the fridge, so that it can be accessed and warmed up at a moment’s notice. However, advice given from health professionals nowadays is not to do that and that parents need to make formula from scratch each time, which is a lot more time consuming. It is a small point, but just an example of how advice and approaches change over the years and it is important to communicate and make sure you are on the same page.

Relationships.

For better or for worse, grandparents can play a significant role in the relationships between family members. I have seen examples of grandparents being excellent and supportive role models, who work together and in unison with parents. On the other hand, I have also worked with grandparents who actively work against parents, create more conflict and can play children and parents off against one another.

The relationship grandparents have with their grandchildren will always differ to that of their parents. Even if grandparents assume a caring role with the child, the dynamics will always be slightly different. However, grandparents can also have a significant part to play in the child’s relationship with their parents.

It can be quite common that you find that after an argument with their parents, children may wish to seek comfort from their grandparents. It is in these types of moments, in which grandparents can influence the relationships within the family. Does the grandparents absolve the child from any wrong doing and offer them comforts/treats/rewards? Or do they provide a shoulder to cry on, listen and support and help the child understand what went wrong and how to resolve it? I have seen the impact both these scenarios. The first, usually leading to conflict and division as the child blames the parent and the grandparents reinforce that. The second, provides the comfort the child is looking for, whilst also supporting the message the parents are giving. Small differences, but significantly different long term implications.

Summary.

It can be easy to overlook the significance of the role grandparents can play with ourselves and our children. They influence how we parent, they may provide practical or caring support and they can play a role in determining the strengths of the family relationships.

When working together, it can be hugely beneficial for a child to be part of and experience strong and healthy family relationships. It also makes a massive difference for children to experience consistent levels of care, meaning that both parents and grandparents follow similar rules, routines and boundaries. Equally, if parents and grandparents do not work together, this can have a detriment to the child’s behaviour, relationships and emotional wellbeing.

Questions to think about…

Whether you are an expecting parent, a new parent or an experienced parent who will be utilising the support of grandparents, it is important to think about some key questions. Are the grandparents physically/emotionally in a place to support? Are you on the same page when it comes to how the children will be cared for? Is communication a barrier or a strength? Asking yourself questions like this helps pave the way to a more healthy and supportive arrangement.

The influence of grandparents is wide ranging and there can be many more beyond what is mentioned above. The key point for me is making sure that support from grandparents is positive for the child and the family, that grandparents are communicate with and supported in their role and most importantly, that they are not taken for granted.  

Question for the comments: How do grandparents support you in your role as a parent?

(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such)

Useful links:

• 5 Ways of Improving Relationships with Your Children
• The Importance of Understanding Your Own Parenting
• 5 Common Causes of Conflict Between Parents and How to Reduce it
• Why is Parenting So Hard?
• 5 Reasons Why Parents Need to Work Together and 3 Easy Ways of Doing So
• 10 Most Common Questions Struggling Parents Have Asked Me