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Whilst instances of bullying can be common amongst school age children, this does not make it any less upsetting or challenging for children to deal with. All too often have I worked with young people who have experienced targeted and persistent bullying from their peers. These children may become socially isolated, could refuse to attend school, and could have their mental health impacted. All amongst a range of other symptoms that can come from bullying.
Responding to the bullying and supporting the child can sometimes be a difficult experience for parents. Some parents feel unsupported by schools or services around them. On the other hand, some families have a positive network of family and professionals around them, who assist in stamping out the bullying quickly and effectively. Bullying is serious and should be treated as such.
Having worked both in schools and with families directly in past roles, I wanted to share my thoughts on steps that can be taken to help support the child and address the bullying.
1. What? Where? When? How and why?
The Anti-Bullying Alliance defines bullying as, “The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It can happen face-to-face or online”.
When potential bullying is identified, it is important to first understand the details of what is actually happening. It can be common for a singular incident to be labelled as “bullying”, when it fact it may just be a onetime incident. Therefore, the definition above is helpful in determining whether something would be classed as bullying. When bullying is identified, my suggestion is that before any action is taken, further information is obtained.
Some key information to gather and understand before any action is taken, includes the following:
- What incident(s) have taken place that led to the bullying being discovered?
- What other bullying has taken place in the past/present?
- Where is this bullying taking place? (Online, School, in the community etc.)
- When and how often is the bullying taking place?
- How is the bullying occurring (online messages, verbal comments, physical actions etc.)
- Why is it taking place? Was there a trigger for all of the bullying?
Why ask these questions?
Asking these questions and finding out the answers, is an important step that will guide what actions you need to take. For example, you may find that the bullying has recently started and is being perpetrated by one person, which would lead to a certain level of response. Alternatively, you could find that there is a significant history of bullying which is being coordinated by a group of people. If so, this would require a different approach altogether.
As a result, this is why I feel it is vitally important that the facts and appropriate information are gathered as a first step. Now, this may be difficult in some situations. For example, a child may not wish to discuss or open up about the bullying. Furthermore, you have a child who does not recognise the behaviours as bullying and fear the input of others.
In these situations, you may only be able to gather a certain level of information. However, do not forget to utilise other sources of information if you feel necessary. For example, other professionals involved, schools, witnesses of any incidents or friends of your child.
2. Chronology of incidents.
Once further information has been obtained, it can be a helpful exercise to create a chronology of events or incidents. This helps build a picture of what is/has happened to the child over a period of time. This can be useful when discussing events with schools, police or other services that can offer support to the child.
Schools, police and other services, will often require evidence to justify further action. Therefore, it can be very helpful if chronologies are put together with evidence. For example, if malicious messages or comments have been sent to a child, these can usually be screenshot and used as evidence. If a physical or verbal incident has taken place, documenting dates/times and any witnesses can be helpful. This can all add to the picture of what is happening to the child and serve as evidence if further intervention or action is required from another service like school or police.
3. Contacting the school.
Schools are typically a common place in which bullying takes place or originates. As a result, it is often a necessary for parents to contact the school and discuss these issues. I would like to think that most schools are proactive in identifying and responding to bullying. However, in my experience, responses from schools vary.
It is often at this step in which parent frustration can grow, if they do not feel adequately supported. It is for this reason why I have suggested the steps above, so that all the necessary evidence and information is provided and can be shared at this stage.
There are a number of schools with excellent anti-bullying polices and wide ranging support for victims of bullying. Therefore, communicating with school is often an important step, even if it is for issues out of school. If bullying is taking place solely online or out of school, it can still be a helpful step to share this information with school, so that appropriate monitoring and support is offered.
Should you feel that school are not taking your concerns seriously, or are not supportive of you or the child, I would suggest that you request or find for yourself, the school’s anti-bullying policy. In the UK, I know that these have to available on the school website. These documents can be useful in determining if school are acting in accordance with their own policies, in addressing the bullying and supporting the child. If they are not, use this information to challenge school or make an official complaint, which again the school will have a policy for.
Hopefully, none of this will be necessary and your child’s school will take bullying seriously and take effective action.
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4. Plan of action.
This is the most important step. All the information gathered and information shared is working towards creating a plan of action. What is everyone involved with the child going to do to stop and prevent any further bullying?
Parents, school, the child and anyone else involved will have a role to play in the prevention of any further bullying incidents. For example, the school or police may be responsible for responding to the perpetrators themselves and ensuring steps are taken to prevent the child being exposed to further incidents. Parents may have the responsibility for ensuring information is shared with school or other services and are communicating if the plan is effective or not. The child’s responsibility would be that they are reporting any further incidents through agreed channels. Whether this be to parents, teachers or it could even be through friends. Should incidents be serious enough, there may also be an agreed action to involve police.
Each plan needs to be tailored to the specific situation. This is why gathering the appropriate information is helpful. A coordinated plan, with everyone working together is the most effective way to respond and prevent further bullying.
Remember to involve the child in your discussions. Ensure that all parties agree on a way forward when agreeing a plan. This way, the chances of success increase.
5. Monitoring and follow up.
Once a plan is agreed and in place, it is important to regularly monitor and review its success. What I will add at this stage, is that despite the best efforts of all, not all plans completely prevent bullying immediately. It can be common for some incidents still to take place, which will test the plan you have in place and how all parties respond. Therefore, communication is essential for a swift response. Quick reporting by the child and fast action from parents and school. This may need to be repeated a few times for it to be successful. The perpetrators need to see and feel a response each time there is an incident, for the message to be sent and understood that the bullying needs to stop.
Monitoring and reviewing regularly also enables the plan to be kept up to date and ensure any gaps in the plan are addressed. Usually, this will be led by the child who can share how their lived experience is changing, if it is. Have bullying incidents reduced? Is day to day life more positive and enjoyable? Do they still feel worried? Are there any other areas of support the child thinks they need? These are all examples of questions that can be asked to the child, to ensure the plan is working.
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6. Any additional support required?
Depending on the severity of the bullying, another consideration may need to be of whether or not additional support is required for the child. Has the child’s mental health or emotional wellbeing been impacted by the incidents? If so, consideration may be given for some counselling/emotional support, as part of the plan of action.
Again, what support is required may vary from child to child. However, where possible include the child’s voice in these discussions. It is really important that the right support is given at the right time. Some children may need some time before they are ready to access support. If that is the case, it may be helpful to inform the child of what support is available, how they can access it and that they can access it when they need it.
Summary.
In the technological age that we are in, bullying can be constant. It can be done from multiple avenues and can even be done so anonymously. Cyberbullying can be particularly challenging as it is hard for the child to escape it. As a parent, be conscious of the apps being used. Find out what social media platforms your child uses and what parenting controls/restrictions you could enable if needed. If your child is receiving abusive messages, comments or content, my advice to parents has always been to screenshot the evidence, block the account and share the information. Don’t respond to the content, evidence it and block them.
Children nowadays are facing different challenges than in generations past. Therefore, we are constantly having to adapt our own responses as parents and professionals. My hope is that this post proves helpful to some degree to any parent who is struggling with what to do, or how to respond if their child is the victim of bullying.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or suggestions in the comments below!
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Excellent measured advice – important to know what you’re dealing with and what your options are as a parent or concerned adult.
This is such important evidence. I find that many people don’t know what to do when an instance of bullying occurs, especially amongst younger children. This will definitely help many in the future.