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The battles of Sunday nights/Returning to school.
It is approaching the end of August, September is on the horizon. Parents of school age children across the country and bracing themselves for the battles that are coming. The return to school.
However, for many parents, this battle is a more frequent occurrence than just at the end of the school holidays. Over the years, I have supported a number of parents, who have this same battle with their child every Sunday night! In this post, we will explore why these issues sometimes arise, how to prepare for a return to school and how to respond.
Understanding why my child doesn’t want to go back to school.
First, it is important to normalise the feelings children have when returning to school. This could be after the 6-week holidays, a half term or just returning to school after the weekend. We have all been in that position before and felt the same emotions as what our children will be feeling. However, it is the levels of impact it has which dictates how big or small of an issue it is.
“some children cannot cope with these emotions and this comes out through their behaviour.”
The reality is, adults still feel those same emotions, usually around work. It’s Sunday night, your mind starts to slip into work mode and you start to think about what you have to do the next day. Your stress levels start to increase, you feel more anxious and get more worked up…excuse the pun! The same can be said about returning from a longer absence from work. The worry of all the work you need to catch up on, the desire for more time off and not being ready to go back. All of these are common feelings that we have. Our children are no different in their feelings about school.
However, some children cannot cope with these emotions and this comes out through their behaviour. This could be in the form of an emotional “meltdown”, disruptive or defiant behaviour or even emotional withdrawal or isolation. Despite this, it is important to remember that just dealing with the resultant behaviour, is unlikely to have long-term success. I would suggest exploring further where the anxieties come from. What is it about the return to school that is causing them to feel upset or anxious? If you know the answer to that question and address it, you are much more likely to have longer-term success.
How to prepare for a return to school.
When it comes to preparing for a return to school, a good starting point is having a predictable and consistent evening and morning routines. The preparation for this can start well in advance of any return to school; however, it is good practice to always maintain a clear and consistent school routine.
As children get older, the school routine can be adapted appropriately to what you want as a parent. If you have a younger child, or a child with Special Educational Needs or Disabilities (SEND), predictable routines on mornings and evenings are very helpful.
Does your child know what is going to happen, when it will happen and how? Visual timetables are often a good way of reinforcing routines with younger children. Establishing or changing these routines will be challenging, however, when the routine is followed, ensure that praise and reward is used to motivate the child to continue to comply. If the routine is not followed, use a small consequence each time this happens. I have often found that involving the child in the discussions lead to more success.
For older children, an adapted version of the above can be used. Discussing and agreeing school routines that are age appropriate, being backed up with praise and reward when complied with and consequences used if not complied with. The difference will be in how the routines are set, what the restrictions are and the rewards or consequences used. (I will look be writing a more detailed blog on rewards and consequences).
How is my child feeling?
“However, try to view the behaviour as a way of the child telling you that something is wrong and this is their way of communicating.”
In addition to an appropriate and consistent school routine, it is important to discuss and explore with your child, what the specific worries or anxieties are around school. Is it the anxiety of a new school term and the fear of the unknown? Have there been previous negative experiences and they are worried about a repeat? Are there any bullying issues? Are there specific lessons the child does not like that occur on Monday? Alternatively, could the child be struggling academically and avoidance is their answer?
There could be any number of examples, too many to answer all in detail. However, try to view the behaviour as a way of the child telling you that something is wrong and this is their way of communicating. Be inquisitive, if your child is not ready to have the conversation, be patient and try another time or in another environment. These approaches may not be 100% effective, but rarely does one strategy work with every child. However, being an inquisitive parent who looks to find out the root cause of behaviour, rather than focusing too much on the behaviour itself, will have a lot more success in the long-term. It takes longer, but it certainly makes a difference to you and the child.
Food for thought.
To summarise, every child who has difficulties returning to school will have their own story as to why. One approach will not work with every child. Nevertheless, I hope this post has at least been able to provide some food for thought that may help any challenges you are facing.
However, some general concepts to remember are; behaviour is just another form of communication, try to view it that way and explore what they are trying to tell you. Having appropriate and consistent school routines is an essential foundation to build on. If you are having difficulty getting to the root cause or understanding what is happening, ask for some support from school or local Early Help Services (this is not the same as social care and is a voluntary level of support), who can ensure that you get the specific advice that your situation needs. Remember, almost every child will have a level of discomfort in returning to school, it is their ability to cope which this that varies.
Question for the comments: How do you prepare your child for a return to school? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
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