Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Positivity is the best policy.
I am a big believer in positive parenting and having a glass half full attitude. However, I also fully understand that not everyone believes in this. Not everyone finds this easy, sometimes it is really challenging to be positive in the face of a child who could be shouting, swearing or throwing things! This post will explore the use praise and reward and why it is so important for the child growing up.
“If you were at work and your boss said to you, that if you complete all your work by the end of the day, you will get a pay bonus. If you do not complete all of your work by the end of the day, your pay will be reduced.” What would motivate you more?”
We are all creatures that are motivated by praise and reward, children especially, whether we realise it or not. When working with parents and families, I always try to apply the context of an adult’s world when making a point about a child. For example, many parents I meet will talk in depth about all the consequences they have tried with their children, when trying to correct behaviour. When I ask about what rewards have been tried, I often get a baffled look.
Therefore, I present them with the following scenario. “If you were at work and your boss said to you, that if you complete all your work by the end of the day, you will get a pay bonus. If you do not complete all of your work by the end of the day, your pay will be reduced.” What would motivate you more? The vast majority of people would be more motivated by a pay bonus, I certainly would be! What this highlights is that use of potential rewards can be a more powerful motivator to change behaviour, than consequences are.
Consequences have a role to play (which I will discuss in a future blog), however, effective praise and rewards can be a powerful tool for parents to motivate their children to behave a certain way.
Praise and reward through the years.
How you use praise and reward changes over the years and as your child grows up. Common reward systems parents use with young children are reward/Sticker charts. These give flexibility in how you use them and what behaviours you target. As children get older it is common for financial rewards to be used. However, no matter what reward you use, it is important that the following considerations are made:
- Does your child clearly understand what is expected of them and what reward they will get? (Has the child had a say in what the reward is?)
- Are the expectations realistic? (Does it have allowances for the child to make mistakes, all children will make mistakes!)
- Are the rewards sustainable in the long term? (I have seen parents give large amounts of money regularly and then have to stop as they cannot afford it anymore, this de-motivates the child.)
- How often can rewards be earned? (I suggest a “little and often approach”. Having a daily reward allows for mistakes to be made and start everyday fresh. A weekly reward can be challenging for children, what happens if they fail on day 1? What motivates them the rest of the week? For example, rather than £5 per week reward, break it down to a daily amount.)
Negotiating.
Successful reward systems in the home should be; clear to the child, focus on a specific behaviour and uses rewards that are age appropriate and motivates the child. Rewards need to be consistently applied for at least a few weeks before you consider changing anything. If children are used to parents trying things for a few days then stopping, they will not buy into it, as they know it will not last. It can be trial and error at times, but it is always helpful to involve your child in the discussions and negotiate the rewards. I have seen some really funny and positive conversations between parents and children when negotiating rewards! However, do remember that you need to show enthusiasm too. If you are not enthusiastic or encouraging when discussing rewards and the how to earn them, the child won’t be.
Why use praise? Children should just behave!
I have had a number of conversations with parents who question the use of praise and reward with children. They state that it is just blackmail and that the children should behave, because that is what is expected of them.
“whilst I agree that rewarding is a form of blackmail, it is primarily a tool that reinforces the type of behaviour you want someone to repeat.”
Whilst I am a big advocate of using praise and reward, I do completely understand this point of view. In many ways, rewards are just blackmail. However, I would again flip this into an adult context and ask, is being paid to go to work blackmail? Would we still go into work if we were not being paid? I love my job…but I am not so sure!
The point I am trying to make when I say this, is that whilst I agree that rewarding is a form of blackmail, it is primarily a tool that reinforces the type of behaviour you want someone to repeat.
I am not saying that reward should be used alone. Rewards should be used in partnership with consequences. I tend to advise parents to aim for a 50/50 balance (I am not suggesting you use consequences for no reason to achieve that balance though!). However, I firmly believe that positivity is the best policy, use praise as often as possible and back up positive behaviours up with rewards to reinforce them.
(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)
It’s up to you.
“The vast majority of parents I meet can speak at length about consequences, but struggle when it comes to praise and reward.”
Ultimately, it is up to you to find a reward system that works for you. What I will say is that it does not always have to be financial rewards. Additional freedoms and choices can prove to be excellent rewards (and free!). For example, additional game time/phone time, additional time with friends, allowed to stay up later, allowed to pick their own meal or pick what film the family watch. You are the experts in your child and know what will motivate them. I would suggest that you always involve your child in the discussions to give yourself the best chance of success.
It is easy to forget about using rewards.
“Your attention is like a spotlight. If you look for negative behaviour from your child, you will always find it.”
If this is all new for you, do not worry, you are not alone. The vast majority of parents I meet, speak at length about consequences, but struggle when it comes to praise and reward. Many parents say their child does nothing to earn rewards. There will always be some positive behaviours displayed by a child, the issue is that you are not noticing them. These positive behaviours may be small in nature, but that is your starting point to build on.
My advice…
To help you spot the positive behaviours, my advice is to find at least five things to praise your child for every day, for one week and see if your perspective changes. It does not matter how small these behaviours are, it could be good manners or doing something the first time you ask. Your attention is like a spotlight. If you look for negative behaviour from your child, you will always find it. This advice will help you do the opposite and look for the positives. Many parents who have done this have told me that they never realised how good their child can be. It does not always come easy, stay patient and remember to commit and not to give up quickly.
Question for the comments: What rewards have you used with your children? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
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As a teacher, this post really resonated with me. It’s true that many parents can really struggle with the whole ‘reward & praise to reinforce positive behaviour’ concept, especially as many parents may not have had such strategies used by their own parents in their upbringings.
It’s also very true that getting the child involved in choosing the rewards can be extremely beneficial. I had a Y4 child in my class who was on a ‘behaviour reward chart’ to help them have more positive behaviour at school. The child’s parents were very supportive with implementing this and would offer a reward at the weekend if at the end of the week there were more sessions with stickers earned than not. Upon asking their child what they would like as a reward (expecting maybe money or sweets or a toy), the response was ‘can we go to ASDA and buy a pineapple?’ All I heard about the next week at school was how great this pineapple had tasted and how excited they were at the prospect of being able to go back and get a coconut as the reward of choice at the end of this week! Needless to say, they got a full house of stickers on the chart that week! 😂
Love the pineapple story Rose!! Just goes to show that rewards can come in a variety of ways!