3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

We have all been there!

I still remember specific times when I was young and in trouble with my parents. I wasn’t the naughtiest child in the world, but I got my fair share of consequences. Usually, I would get sent to my room. Back in the days before social media and phones, when going to your room was actually a consequence! On one of these occasions, I remember being sent to my room. Full of rage, I went and sat on my bed. My arms were folded, face like thunder and started talking to myself about the injustice that had just taken place. This was a common occurrence! It wasn’t until years later that my parents informed me, that they would stand outside my room and listen and laugh at me talking to myself!

Why use consequences?

Consequences are an important tool for parents. When used well, they can be an important way for children to learn how to behave and respect the rules and boundaries around them. As parents, it is important to remember that it is our role to educate our children, not punish them. Therefore, simply issuing a consequence and expecting the child to learn their lesson, is rarely a recipe for success. In this post I will talk about some of the finer points of what good consequences look like. Also, how to create long term behaviour change.

Consequences should demonstrate to the child, that they have behaved in a way that is outside of the rules and expectations of the environment around them. That consequence should serve to dissuade the child from behaving in that way again. So ideally, a consequence should only need to be used once, right? This is unlikely to be the case. It is part of growing up, to test, or re-test boundaries around us. As a result, it is important that there is a degree of thought and planning that goes in to the use of consequences.

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The 3 Key Steps

1. The importance of being clear, calm and consistent.

Being clear

Firstly, when parents issue consequences, it is vital that it is explained to the child why they are receiving a consequence. Don’t make assumptions that the child knows what they have done wrong. I used to fall into this trap all the time when I used to work in schools. I would use phrases like, “Your behaviour hasn’t been good enough today…” or “You have been misbehaving today…”. At no point did I stop and think, does that child have any idea what behaviours I am talking about? As children often don’t know what you are referencing, they are likely to repeat behaviours as they do not know what behaviours to change.

When explaining to your child that they are getting a consequence, make sure you very clearly explain what specific behaviour, the child is receiving a consequence for. Explain to the child what the consequence is going to look like and how long it is going to last. Children really struggle to cope with open ended consequences. Being very clear and specific is an essential starting point for issuing consequences.

Being calm

Remaining calm sounds simple and easy, but in the heat of the moment it rarely is for parents. However, parents usually raise voices or react emotionally, when they feel themselves losing control. I tend to ask parents if they were in the workplace, how would they feel if their manager shouted or screamed at them for doing something wrong? How would you respond? Would you be likely to think favourably about this person moving forward? Or would you prefer your mistakes to be calmly explained to you in a clear way?

“My view is that shouting or raising voices towards a child, loses the message that you are trying to get across.“

If we as adults prefer the calmer option, you can be assured that children are exactly the same. Every parent will have their own opinions on raised voices and shouting at children. Therefore, I am not going to try and change people’s minds. More so, I will explain my views on this and why I feel this way.

My view is that shouting or raising voices towards a child, loses the message that you are trying to get across. The child will be likely to focus more on the fact they are being shouted at. This would be instead of the message in the words you are saying. As a result, the child is not likely to learn anything from what you are saying. The behaviour will likely be repeated and the cycle will start again. I always try to remind myself that it is the message you are trying to get across which is important. I need to communicate in the most appropriate way for that child, which usually is in a calm, clear and direct way.

Being consistent

Consistency is key! I am sure we have all heard that expression before. In the context of using consequences, it is exactly right. Children need to have consistency of rules and boundaries around them. Each time a child breaks a rule, a consequence should be applied that is in line with an agreed structure you have (we will go into this below). What this will do, is allow your child to understand what is going to happen if a rule is broken.

This knowledge is the deterrent! Knowing what consequence awaits and having the experience of facing this consequence each time a rule is broken, will make the child think twice about breaking this rule again. On the other hand, if there was a lack of consistency in terms of consequences, a child would be more likely to test and see what they can get away with. Therefore, as parents it is very helpful to have a clear plan and structure to your consequences. This should be shared with your child and followed consistently.

2. Are your consequences logical and appropriate for the behaviour?

Logical consequences

What is a logical consequence? A logical consequence is a consequence from a parent that is appropriate and in proportion with the behaviour displayed by the child. However, what each parent considers “appropriate”, will vary from family to family.

When deciding what consequence you want to put in place, it is important to have a structure and plan to your actions. If you react emotionally and in the heat of the moment. This will affect the consistency of your actions and likely lead to consequences being either, over or under reactive. Children need consistency in parenting. Therefore, having a structured plan, that is followed every time a rule is broken, is a more effective way to respond to behaviours that challenge you.

What sort of structure am I talking about?

First of all, I suggest that whatever the consequence is, it is time limited. Open ended consequences like, “you will get your phone back when I say so”, create more uncertainty in children. In turn, this can lead to more conflict or escalation. Alternatively, inform the child of how long the consequence is going to take place. “You have lost your phone for the next hour”. This statement specifies the duration and gives clarity for the child. This is so that they understand when their phone will be returned.

Consequence time frames

I used the example of “one hour” intentionally. My advice would always be, to use consequences in the minutes and hours’ time frame. Extended consequences for longer periods of time, like days or weeks, can be less effective. However, there still can be a place for longer consequences if the behaviours warrants such a big response. There are a few reasons I suggest this.

Benefits of shorter consequences

Firstly, ending the consequence sooner prevents the issue being dragged out over a period of days or weeks. If I use the same example of taking a child’s phone away. If you remove the phone for a number of days, you can expect that child to nag and persist in asking for its return until the phone is returned. This can increase pressure on parents to give in and back down, or end the consequence early. In turn, this would devalue the consequence for the next time you use it, as the child will know they can get you to back down. Whereas, if you remove the phone for a matter of minutes or hours, this resolves the issue the same day and you can all move on a lot sooner.

Secondly, using a shorter time frame gives you more opportunity to extend consequences. For example, if you have removed a phone for one hour and the child persists in their behaviour, you can extend the time. This provides further deterrent and sends a strong signal to the child that their behaviour needs to change. If you have taken a phone away for a week, extending it another day or another week, does little to dissuade the child in that moment as it is not affecting the child at that moment. Children tend not to think too far in advance. Consequences that impact the here and now, will likely be more effective than longer term.

Flexibility

Finally, longer term consequences not only remove the item or luxury you are taking away from the child. It also removes your ability as a parent to reuse that consequence for that whole time period too. For example, if the phone is taken away for a week, there is a now a week long period in which you cannot use that as a consequence. Instead, you have to find alternative consequences. Very quickly parents can find themselves out of ideas and being left with no consequences they can use with their child. Children will often recognise this and seize the opportunity. Shorter consequences gives you more flexibility and power to reuse consequences the very same day and beyond.

Sticking to your consequences

Remember, it is essential that whatever consequence decision you make, you stick to it! Children will try anything and everything to get you to change your mind, or give in to them. This could be “puppy dog eyes”, cuddles and kisses, apologies or simply continuing to make life as unpleasant as possible.

However, if you were to back down and remove a consequence, or even end it early, what message would that send the child? It tells the child that consequences can be negotiated, argued out of or overpowered. As a result, the next time you try and use that consequence, the child will remember and repeat what worked for them in the past. It can feel harsh at times, if a child is remorseful or apologetic. However, I would always suggest you thank them for their apology, but the consequence stands as they need to learn to not repeat that behaviour.

3. The follow up

The final key step to remember, is often the one that is forgotten about. Which is the follow up after the consequence.

When consequences have been served, many parents I have worked with in the past often consider that the end of the matter. However, there is an important step that should be taken prior to considering the matter resolved. This is the follow up discussion with the child. I refer back to a point I made earlier, where I stated that it is the role of the parent to educate their child, this is what this step is all about.

Moving on together

Have you ever been in a situation in which you have been dealing with a behavioural issue with your child, but they have moved on and forgotten about it before you have? The child could bounce into the room acting like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, you are still angry/frustrated or coming down from the emotions of what has happened. Children often will sense this and this can lead to issues reigniting. It is really helpful and important that both the child and the parent move on at the same time. Therefore, having a calm and clear discussion after a behaviour, helps both parent and child move on and draw a line under the incident together.

Educating the child

The focus of the conversation, should be on educating the child on what/why they received a consequence and what specific behaviour led to this? Inform the child of what behaviour they should have displayed and what they need to do differently next time. Finally, inform the child of what the consequence will be, if the behaviour is repeated again. I would suggest that the time frame is slightly increased with every repetition of behaviour. For example, 1 hour first time, then 1 hour 30mins the next time.

Ending on a positive

Once this has been explained, try and end on a positive note. Remind the child that the consequence is now over. You can both move on and think about the rest of the day. Try to make them laugh. Give them a cuddle or whatever way you feel would best help bring any remaining tension or anxiety down. The idea is then you are both in the same place emotionally and can move on, without any remaining tension in the home. Try to find your own little script to use with the child. Get into the routine of having a follow up conversations. It reminds the child of what behaviours they need to change, how they can change them and what will happen if they repeat the behaviour.

Summary

In summary, these three steps blended together, can give you the best possible chance of having an effective consequence structure. It is always best practice to combine the use of consequences, with the use of effective praise and reward. (Read my blog on this topic here). The key is consistency in using these.

“I am just going to do it!”

The best way of viewing this approach, is not a strategy in which, “I am going to try it”. It should be something “I am just going to do”. Having an “I am going to try” attitude, tends to lead you down the thought process of expecting immediate results. If that doesn’t come, this often leads to a parent giving in. The reality is that his approach is good practice when used consistently over a period of time. Both you and the child need time to learn and adjust to this. If applied consistently, it should increase your confidence in responding to behaviours. It will help educate the child on how to behave and establish firmer rules and boundaries with your child, in and out of the home.

This topic is so vast and subjective, everyone will have their own story and challenges in using consequences. Therefore, feel free to put any questions in the comments or contact me via email or on social media!

Question for the comments: What are some of the more effective consequences you have used with your child?

(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such)

Useful links

• 7 Steps to Encourage Your Child to Follow Instructions
• 5 Ways of Improving Relationships with Your Children
• 5 Effective Consequences for Teenagers and 5 Things to Avoid
• 5 Points to Consider when Establishing Sleeping Routines with Children
• 5 Steps to Deal With Your Child’s Emotional Behaviour
• 10 Most Common Questions Struggling Parents Have Asked Me