Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Have you ever found yourself in the position where you are having to repeatedly give warnings or threats to your child? If so, you are certainly not alone.
It is a pattern that can emerge and cement itself very quickly. Parents may feel it is the easier option to just repeatedly warn the child that a consequence is to follow, or threaten the child with an immediate consequence. Some parents will see the child start to comply when repeated warnings or threats are issued. However, in the longer term, there are a number of reasons why repeated use of warnings or threats will actually create more problems than they solve.
In this post, I will discuss some key reasons as to why parents should avoid using repeated warnings or threats with their children. Furthermore, I will also discuss what the alternatives are!
The Child Learns That They Get Multiple Chances
Children can be very perceptive and switched on to the loopholes in their parent’s rules or parenting styles. I am sure we can all think back to our childhood and remember times in which we tried to exploit one of these loopholes with our own parents.
However, if a parent is consistently using repeated warnings or threats with their child, it won’t take the child too long to realise that they don’t have to respond to a request the first time they are asked. The child will learn that if they do not respond the first time, nothing is going to happen. All that will happen next is that the parent will come and ask again. Ask a third time. Maybe even a fourth. Repeatedly asking or warning until the parent gets fed up and may move to threaten the child with a consequence.
When threatened, the child may be more likely to comply. However, the child is only responding and complying because of a threat being given. Not because their parent has asked them and they respect that request. The child in this instance is learning that they can repeatedly ignore their parent. They can do so right up until the threat is issued. At which point they know it is time to comply.
Once this cycle is established you will find that everything you ask a child to do, requires much more time and effort from the parent. Usually because they are having to ask multiple times and warn/threaten their child to comply.
It Creates a Higher Chance of Conflict
I am sure if you ask any parent, they would want their child to follow instructions the first time they are asked. The role of the parent is hard enough, without your child refusing or ignoring your instructions or requests. Ultimately, this would mean the parent has to spend even more time chasing the child up, to get them to comply with a request.
It can be so frustrating for a parent to have to nag, complain, warn or threaten their child to do what can be the simplest of requests. On the other hand, the child will become increasingly frustrated at the repeated warnings or threats being given to them. This repetition can lead to emotions being heightened and situations escalating.
This build up of frustrations as the situations progress, can sometimes reach a boiling point in which either party may react more emotionally. You may have a child who aggressively reacts, or a parent who becomes overly emotional. Either way, this outcome is not what either party wanted and in reality, can be avoided.
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The Child Can Lose Respect for the Parent
A more indirect issue that can arise from use of repeated warnings or threats, is that the child can begin to lose respect for the parent and what the parent says. This can be the outcome of the child repeatedly seeing their parent issue warnings or threats, but never taking action.
Imagine you have a manager at work who repeatedly warns you that you need to get better in a certain aspect of your work. They may even threaten you that there will be disciplinary action if you do not improve. This could happen day in day out, but nothing ever happens. What would you start to think about your manager? Do you really believe his warnings or threats? Would you respect anything he asks of you in the future? These are similar experiences that children can have with their parents.
If this respect is lost, this can lead to the child consistently not following instructions. They will not be deterred by warnings or threats and ultimately, this causes more issues in the longer term for parents.
Relationships are Impacted
Over the years, I have spent a significant period of time working in the homes of families in similar situations to what has been discussed above. Speaking to both parents and children in these situations, the common feedback is that the child does not want to be constantly nagged at and threated. Parents do not want to have to nag or threaten their child. Despite both parties seemingly being on the same page, the issues persist.
This persistent conflict over time, will inevitably have an impact on the relationship between parent and child. The extent of this impact can vary. Some families I have worked with see a significant impact. As they have been trapped in this cycle for years and there is a complete lack of trust and respect. Other families only see a small impact that can be salvaged with some quick changes.
Regardless, it is an important consideration for a parent to factor in to their decision making. From a parent’s perspective, how does the view of your child change if you feel that they just never listen to you and everything is a battle? How does that feeling intensify if this situation is the lived experience day in and day out?
On the other hand, how does the child’s view of their parent change if they feel like they are being constantly nagged or threatened? How likely are they to comply in future if there is no respect in the relationship?
The relationship between the parent and child can often be the collateral damage. Especially if families are stuck in this cycle of repeated threats or warnings being used every single day.
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The Parent’s Authority can be Diminished
As I mentioned above, repeated use of warnings or threats without action, can significantly impact how the child views their parent’s authority.
If a parent is having to use multiple warnings or threats to their child to comply, the child is likely to have little or no respect for their parent. Even if the child complies after being threatened, this is not to say that the child suddenly respected the request or the parent. More so, the child is only responding to the threat and not the parent. Therefore, the little respect that the child has for the parent is unchanged. If it unchanged, this type of issue is likely to repeat again. Which becomes the cycle I have mentioned.
Once a parent feels that their authority has been diminished, it can be very difficult to manage any level of behaviour from that child. This is why these type of situations can lead to the child starting to test more and more boundaries, breaking more and more rules. I have seen these types of scenarios countless times. Whilst it is a domino effect that can take a long period of time to get to, you can end up in situations in which the parent has lost complete control of the child. This impacts the parents ability to manage behaviour moving forwards.
Behaviours are More Likely to Continue
More often than not, if you are in the position as a parent in which you have to repeatedly warn or threaten your child to get them to comply, this situation will likely continue until a different approach is taken. It is a difficult cycle in which the child learns that, “I don’t have to comply until threatened”. Whilst the parent learns, “The only way I can get my child to comply is to threaten them”.
As a result, parents can feel trapped into this cycle of events. Often a cycle they don’t want and don’t know how they fell into. The common trend I see with families, is that if this cycle continues, behaviours are more likely to get worse than get better over time.
Therefore, it is important to recognise as a parent, that even though your child may be complying to some degree through repeated use of warnings or threats, there are wider implications that may cause more issues longer term.
What Can I do to Change This?
If you have read this far and are thinking, “This is me! I am stuck in this situation!” Don’t worry, there is something you can do about it.
What I will say straight away is, it is not going to be easy. There isn’t a quick fix. So you need to prepare yourself that the initial stage is tough. However, once you get through it, you will have longer term change and success.
Less warnings and more action, this creates more respect
Firstly, there needs to be a change to the mindset of the parent and how parents approach and make requests. The aim is to move away from any use of warnings or threats as motivators for your child to comply. The goal is for the child to learn that the only motivation they need is knowing that if they do not follow your request, there will be swift and immediate action from you as a parent. Once the child knows this, they will begin to follow requests quicker, without any need for any warnings or threats. This is how the child will learn to respect the parent and any requests made.
I would suggest that you read my post on how to encourage your child to follow instructions. This post details how parents can be more effective in making requests and increase compliance. This is such an important step and is not one to be overlooked. Furthermore, I have also written a post about implementing effective consequences. This will also be helpful, as it details how you can implement consequence structures. These can be utilised if your child still does not follow requests.
Work on the relationship
It is important that through the initial difficult periods, parents allocate time to work on their relationship with their child. It wouldn’t be uncommon to see some increased conflict between parent and child, once the parent begins to act more decisively with consequences. Therefore, it can be very helpful for the parent and the child, to counter balance this with some time spent together building relationships. Again, I have another separate post on this topic, which details 5 ways parents can improve relationships with their children.
Notice the positives and recognise change
Finally, it is vital that parents recognise positive change, acknowledge and praise it accordingly. It would completely defeat the object if a child starts to comply more regularly, behaves more positively or you start to see them making the effort, and it goes completely unnoticed by the parent. All this will do is de-motivate the child and will make them think, “What is the point?”
Try and spot any and all positive signs that what you are doing is starting to work. The more positive reinforcement you can offer, the better. You are trying to build new routines and new boundaries, the child will need to see and feel that you notice the effort they put in, however small. This helps motivate them and also helps their mindset shift, as they realise, “Maybe there is some good parts to all of this”.
This may be something some parents find difficult, if it is not something they are used to doing. If that is the case, feel free to read my post on the importance of using praise and reward.
Summary
From what I have seen when working with countless families over the years, is that this cycle of behaviour is very common. Do not worry or panic if this is the dynamic in your home with your child. If you wish to change it, you can. It will take time, it will take effort and it will test you. How much time it will take will vary from family to family. Perhaps ask yourself how long you think you have been stuck in this cycle? Weeks? Months? Years? The longer you have been in it, the more work will be needed to reverse it. Therefore, manage your own expectations and do not give up if you have seen no change in the first few weeks.
It can be common that issues get worse before they get better. Therefore it is important to remember that this is not a case of what you are doing isn’t working. It will be more likely that this is your child pushing back and challenging you to back down and stop what you are doing. See this as your test to show them that things are changing and they need to get used to it. What message would it send your child if they did make your back down and give in?
Stick to your guns, follow your plan and be calm, clear and consistent in your approach. You can change this cycle!
Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or stories in the comments below!
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Haha, growing up, we didn’t get warnings or threats. Learned from very early on to do as told. And I established that early on in my parenting
Haha yeah exactly! The child knowing what will happen is a powerful deterrent!
Very informative post. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thank you!