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Does the “Perfect Balance” even exist?
I read an interesting article this week, discussing the balance parents have to strike between their work life and being a parent. The article talks about the challenges of achieving the “perfect balance” and rejects the idea that this perfect balance even exists. You can read this article for yourself by clicking here.
The UK Government is trying to encourage more and more parents to go back into full time work after having children. New initiatives likes offering more free childcare at younger ages suggests this. This drive for parents to work is going to increase the number of parents trying to find this balance between work and being a parent. However, is the idea of a perfect balance between work life and being a parent just fantasy?
This question had me thinking about my own experiences of trying to balance work as a parent. My wife and I both work full time and are quite career driven. Therefore, our plan was always to have children and return to work. Thankfully, the nature of both our jobs allows for a lot of flexibility in our working hours. Meaning we can adjust our work schedule around the demands of being a parent.
However, even with this flexibility, there are a lot of drawbacks to being a working parent. I certainly don’t think we have a perfect balance between our work lives and being a parent. But is this even possible? Or do you just weigh up the pros and cons of either working/not working and live with those?
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The pressure on parents
There can be a lot of pressure put on parents as to whether or not they should work. My wife faced similar pressures when she would tell others that she planned to return to work after her maternity leave. She would be met with puzzled expressions or questions as to why she would work instead of being a stay at home mother. This planted seeds of doubt as to whether my wife was doing the right thing. She would think she is a bad mother for working, or that others would think less of her. I am sure there are many other parents who have felt this same judgement or pressure.
The reality is, there are pros and cons to both working and not working. Typically, most parents will be faced with a decision of what to do around work when they have a baby. (Unless you are incredibly rich and don’t need to work, which must be nice). Therefore, this additional pressure can be an unwelcome factor playing on parents minds.
As a result, I wanted to go through a brief list of some pros and cons we have found to being working parents. These are my personal opinions, so you may have a completely different lists or opinions which is fine! If so, let me know in the comments what you think.
Pros:
Role Modelling
Something that is important to us, especially to my wife, is role modelling to our young daughter that women can both have a successful career and be a positive parent at the same time. She does not have to pick one or the other. Women have previously been placed into stereotypical roles of being the stay at home parent. The mother who looks after the home and the children. There is nothing wrong with assuming this role and with this comes a range of other benefits. However, we would like her to see first hand that she has a choice and that it is possible to achieve a balance of both successfully if she wishes.
Furthermore, we want to both role model the skills it takes to be successful when in employment. She will get to see what we have to put in to our job, the skills we need to have and the time and effort it takes. Ideally, she will pick up on some of these habits and adopt these herself and she makes her own way in the world.
Financial impact on the family
It may seem obvious, but if you have two parents both working, the likelihood is that you will have more money coming into the home. With this extra income, comes a range of other opportunities/benefits that positively impact your child. This could be in the form of holidays/experiences, opportunities to attend clubs/groups/activities or simply providing more financial security for the whole family.
Money certainly isn’t everything, but it can make a difference in terms of the opportunities it gives the whole family.
Parent mental health
My wife and I have both had challenges with our mental health over these last couple of years. However, one thing that has helped, is having the routine and structure of a work life. It gave us a space of our own where we can think about other things, at least for a short time. We can distract ourselves from the parenting challenges that we all can face.
Whilst it may not always feel like it, work can be good for our mental health. I remember during COVID lockdowns when we were forced to work from home. Initially, it was a nice change. However, it very quickly changed for me as I began to miss those little social interactions with colleagues. You don’t realise the value of these small things until they are taken away.
Therefore, I feel that being a working parent can give you a bit of an escape at times. In turn, this can help a parent’s mental health and consequently, the child!
Cons:
What you miss out on
One of the biggest cons of being a working parent is certainly what you miss out on. As noted above, I am fortunate as my working hours can be flexible. However, this is not the case for everyone. Parents can miss out on a lot of their child’s experiences when growing up. Whether this be school plays, birthdays, Christmas or even just missing having time together at home.
In my previous job, I would be lucky if I even saw my daughter before she went to sleep on an evening. I would have half an hour with her in the morning and possibly no time at all with her on an evening. Thankfully, my new job has resolved this. But if this continued I think I would have really struggled with feelings of guilt and missing out.
Cost of childcare
The cost of childcare in the UK for working parents is a significant barrier for so many families. Full time childcare for one child each month can be the equivalent of a full time working wage for a parent. As a result, many parents rightfully think, “why work when all my salary would go on childcare?”
At the moment, limited hours of free childcare is available from the age of 3. New plans are in place for this age to be reduced to 2 in the years to come. However, it is a significant decision to make if parents need to access childcare to continue to work.
See if you are eligble for support paying for child care here.
Impact of work on your parenting
Working full time and being a parent is not easy. You are trying to balance your responsibilities to both parts of your life, but in reality, it is impossible to be perfect at both.
It is inevitable that work stress at some point will impact your parenting. I notice it in myself all the time when I get home from a particularly challenging day at work. I am then presented with an excited three year old who wants to sit on my back and use me as her horse. Sometimes the energy is just not there. But I then feel guilty for saying no, as there will come a day when she never asks again!
Ultimately, this is the battle working parents will have. Your work and the stress from your job will impact your mood, energy and tolerance levels for when you come home. There will be good days and bad days, but for your child, you coming home is exciting and you may sometimes have to summon all your remaining energy to match that excitement.
(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)
Summary
The question of being able to strike a “perfect balance” between your work life and being a parent, is entirely subjective and personal to each parent. What is perfect anyway? Everyone’s version of perfect is different. Plus, I don’t think perfect should ever be the goal.
Personally speaking, I think there are really valid arguments for a parent deciding to staying at home or going back to work. I would never judge any parent for making a decision either way. The examples of the pros and cons I have discussed above won’t apply to every family, they won’t be universally agreed upon and nor should they be. Parents need to make the decision based on their own circumstances, their own priorities and what their goals are.
If we didn’t have the option of childcare from family members, the likelihood is that either my wife or I would have had to stop work and stay at home due to the costs. If that was the case, we wouldn’t have been able to move house like we have and other aspects of our life would be very different. The domino effect can stretch on and on.
For some parents, deciding whether to work or not won’t feel like much of a choice, more a necessity. That’s why I don’t think we can judge parents either way. The important thing is, that you and your child are happy. This is the most important balance to try and find.
Share your thoughts, stories, opinions below in the comments!
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Great article! Yes what’s perfect balance?? 🙂
I run my own biz from home for the past decade and I can say there was a lot going on…I’m starting balancing better now that my daughter is 11. The early years were surely tough!
Thank you! Yeah I think it has to be a constant work in progress, always adjusting to try and find the best balance!
Great post and right up my street right now! I work from home with my little one and it’s part time but wow the struggle. He’s amazing and we make it work – I’d rather he be with me than anywhere else but some days I feel like I’m doing nothing right. Other days it’s lovely. It’s so hard isn’t it!
Rosie
Thank you Rosie! Yeah it can be so tough, lovely to have that time with them, but its not always easy haha!