Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Feeling like you are failing as a parent, can be such a demoralising and upsetting feeling to have. My little girl, Evelyn, is just two years old. However, on a number of occasions over these last two years, I have felt that I have failed her as a parent. The reality is that Evelyn is fit, healthy and developing well. Despite this, these feelings of being a failure as a parent can spring up from time to time. This could be me being too harsh on myself, or a result of some of the early challenges I faced, which you can read more about here. Either way, I frequently look back and think about things I could have done differently for her.
Anybody can feel like this.
Professionally, I have spent the last 10 years working with children, parents and families, advising and supporting them with the problems they face. Despite this experience and knowing deep down that I am doing my best and Evelyn is fine, I still have those feelings of failing as a parent and the niggling thought that I should be doing better. Therefore, I would use myself as an example that anybody can have these feelings and that they can be very common.
Over the years, I have noticed a number of triggers parents have that can bring about these feelings of “failing”. Feelings in which have a significant impact on a parent’s confidence, mental health and ultimately the child.
With this post I aim to explore some of the more common triggers I have come across and how to recognise them. My hope is that this post will help some parents similar to myself, understand why we can feel this way, to give us the best chance to avoid some of these triggers.
1. Making comparisons.
We have all done it! Looking at other parents, whether they be friends, family or complete strangers and comparing what they are doing to what we do. Sometimes, doing this can be a good motivator and inspire us to try new strategies or new ways of handling situations. On the other hand, it can have a negative impact as to how we view ourselves as parents. Sometimes it can make a parent feel like they are failing or that they are not good enough.
It is hard to avoid.
Children grow and develop at different paces. You can have some children who learn to walk very quickly. Other children’s speech may develop a lot sooner than others. Regardless of how our children develop, it is hard to avoid looking at other children of a similar age and comparing. In doing so, we may see other children developing quicker in some areas. If so, how does that make us feel about our own children? Many of us start to worry that our child is falling behind others. You may start to beat yourself up as a parent or place additional pressure on yourself, all of which adds to those feelings of failing as a parent.
In reality, our children will excel in their own ways. One child may develop faster in one area, but be behind in others. When it comes to my daughter, she is an excellent sleeper. She very quickly got into a sleeping routine as a baby and has slept through the night consistently ever since. Which we are very pleased about! However, in regards to her eating, we have a lot of challenges. Evelyn is not food curious at all. She is very reluctant to try new things and this has limited what she eats day to day. Even writing this now, I feel guilty about it, but I can also recognise that she has developed well in one area and has difficulties in another.
Having a balanced view.
It is really important to have a balanced view when it comes to making comparisons to other families or children. It is easy to just spot all the things other parents do, that you view as “better” than what you are doing. Remember, there will be a number of things you are doing, that other parents may look at and really admire you for. Remember that when making comparisons to other children/families, you are usually doing so on just what you see. Which is just a snapshot of information. You have no idea what day to day home life is like for them behind closed doors.
Most of all, remember that negatively comparing yourself to other parents can have a significant impact on your own parenting confidence, your own self-esteem and consequently your children! No matter how you feel about your parenting, there will always be a number of things you are doing really well, you just need to look for them.
2. Social media.
I will freely admit that I have a less than favourable view of social media. This is likely down to the fact that in my work, I usually only see the negative impact it can have on children and families. I do use social media personally, but I do so sparingly and do not post a great deal of content. However, I have unfortunately witnessed the impact social media can have on parents first hand, both in my personal and professional life.
More often than not, many of us turn to social media or go online for advice and support. It is the reason I write this blog. To hopefully offer a degree of help and support to those people seeking it. However, there is most definitely a darker side to the impact social media can have.
Unintended side effects.
Social Media accounts/influencers with huge followings create large volumes of content of what looks like “the ideal family life”. However, the unintended side effect of this content can be that parents view this as the reality of what family life should be like. My wife was one of those parents. She would watch content on social media of Mother’s doing meal prep for their babies, taking their babies on trips or doing activities in the home. This would make my wife feel incredibly guilty that she wasn’t doing the same for Evelyn, thinking that all mothers should be doing this.
The reality is, that these content producers are usually making this content as their main source of income. This would be their full time job. They would be paid for making this content and have hours to produce it to the high levels they do. In comparison to my wife, who works full time in a high pressure job. No matter how much I stressed to her that you cannot compare and believe that this content is the reality of what parenting is, it did not stop her getting upset when watching it. It is great to take inspiration from this type of content and use it as a source of advice, however, comparing your life to theirs is where the danger can lie.
Feelings of guilt.
I have met a number of other parents who have felt the same. Even on a lower level, it is extremely common to see photos and videos emerge online of children’s birthdays and Christmas presents. These photos are posted with completely innocent intentions and just celebrate a happy time for a family. However, many parents would look at this type of content and feel guilty that they cannot afford to buy their children the same amount of presents. This guilt can eat away at parents and make them questions themselves.
I am certainly not criticising any producers of this type of content! As I know it is not the intention of it to make some parents feel the way they do. However, it is inescapable that some of us will look at this content, think this is what all parents/families look like and beat themselves up. All because their own experience of family life is different.
Social media will continue on the path it is on. As parents, try to view this content online for what it is. Comparing your life to those online, is not a fair comparison and not a realistic comparison. Take inspiration, take advice and let it motivate you to try new things. However, do not take all content as fact, as reality and use it as the standard for your own life.
3. Persistent issues.
Children test us.
Often there can be nothing more demoralising to a parent than having to deal with persistent issues with your child. This could be their behaviour at home, or behaviour at school or a consistent problem that you are making no progress with. It can feel like a battle for a parent. If that parents feels like they are losing that battle, it can start to seriously impact the confidence of that parent.
Children test us, they push boundaries and explore where the limits of the environment they are in. These testing times increase the pressure on parents. It is when the pressure does not relent, when parents start to question themselves or their own parenting capacity. Many parents move to the point in which they accept this lack of control as their new reality. However, this is a reality they are not happy with, but simply do not know how to move on from. This day in, day out struggle can really embed feelings of failure, when realistically, they are just parents in need of some help and support.
Ask for help.
I have met so many parents over the years, who have been very honest in saying that they feel like they have failed as a parent. A lot of the time this is because they feel they cannot manage their child’s behaviour. The reality of these situations is far from this. However, they may feel embarrassed about the behaviour of their child, ashamed they are struggling and lost in what to do about it.
If this is you, ask for some help and support! I work in this field and can tell you that you are not alone in needing help. There will be services local to you who offer support to families in a variety of ways. Usually this through the local Early Help offer (UK), or Local SEND offer (UK). Needing help is not failure, needing help is you successfully recognising that we cannot always do it alone.
4. Internal pressure.
Unfortunately, this is my trigger for the vast majority of my feelings of failure. Putting too much pressure on myself to be the best parent I can be. Ultimately, I am setting myself expectations that I will never fulfill. As a result, in my own eyes it means I am consistently failing. I do this across all aspects of my life, however, the feelings and emotions are a lot more powerful when it comes to your own child.
Putting pressure on ourselves.
This pressure we put on ourselves as parents can often be unreasonable, unfair and heavily impact our decision making. It is often interesting to ask ourselves why we feel like this and where it all comes from. For me, I think it stems from expecting more of myself because of the job I do. I think that because I work with parents and advise parents, I shouldn’t make mistakes, which is far from the truth or reality! But this doesn’t stop me still feeling guilty or like I am failing as a parent if I do make mistakes.
Everyone will have their own story behind the pressure we put on ourselves. However, if we are doing that, it is important to counter balance this by recognising success when we are successful. Success comes in all shapes and sizes. Again for me, it could be getting Evelyn to try a new piece of food or helping her learn something new. Success doesn’t always have to be huge moments. Noticing the little things that happen often, can help give us that balanced perspective, that despite the pressure we put on ourselves, we are meeting that challenge and we are doing a good job. Parenting isn’t about being perfect, it is about being good enough.
5. External pressure.
I have just discussed the pressure we put on ourselves, but what about the pressure we face from others? This can come in a variety of different ways. It could be pressure from our partners/family, pressure from professionals or schools, or it could be social pressures from the environment we are in at any moment.
Arguments/conflict.
Not all parents/families are on the same page all of the time. Each of us will have their own versions of what “good parenting” looks like and have different styles we would wish to implement. It is common for parents/families to disagree. My wife and I barely ever argued or disagreed prior to Evelyn being born. However, after she was born it felt like we argued every day about how we are caring for her. This is because we suddenly have a little person that each of us are very passionate about and want the absolute best for. That passion can bring out conflict and disagreement.
However, when these disagreements occur, it is important to try and talk through them to find common ground. Applying pressure to one another, will likely lead to further issues in the long run when it comes to your parenting approach.
Schools/Professionals.
External pressure from professionals or schools are something I come across regularly. Parents being strong armed into taking parenting courses inappropriately, or professionals pointing the finger at parents rather than helping them. All of which, serve only to feed the parents worry and anxiety or make the parent feel like they are failing. More often than not, this will lead to a parent disengaging with the school or professional, which means they are losing out on the support they actually need. All because the external pressure is making the parent feel worse, not better. A parent should never feel ashamed or embarrassed to need help, many of us will need it at some point!
Finally, the social pressure of an environment or situation, is something I am sure we have all faced at some point. This is particularly common when your child is misbehaving in public. That pressure of having eyes on you as the parent, to see how you respond. The feeling of embarrassment if what you are doing is not working. This is the social pressure of trying to meet the expectations of those around you. Again in reality, those of us with children will recognise that these public tantrums happen. Yes, they are embarrassing, however, it is not your fault as a parent, nor should you be judged by those around you for it happening.
Normalising issues.
I think it is helpful to normalise some of these issues that parents face. If you are a parent who have experienced these external pressures, I would even say that you are in the majority. However, there is the projection in our society of children should be behaving positively at all times, in all environments. In an ideal world, maybe. But this is not a fair expectation on children or parents. You could have a child with SEND needs, emotional needs, mental health needs or social issues. All of which would lead to situations in which they struggle to conform to this “expectation of behaviour”. This is not your fault as a parent. There may be things a parent can do to help, however, context is everything and blaming parents is rarely the right answer.
6. Mental Health/Emotional Wellbeing.
Parent mental health and emotional wellbeing has a significant impact on your parenting and your child. It can be a vicious cycle if which you feel like you are failing as a parent. It impacts how you feel, which in turn negatively impacts your parenting, which then makes you feel more of a failure and so on.
Mental health barrier.
I am not a mental health expert in any way shape or form. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to advise or discuss in great depth how it effects people. The reality is, that it effects everyone differently. What I do know is, that it can be a massive barrier for parents, as I have seen it first-hand many times.
Previously, I faced this barrier myself when Evelyn was a newborn. I am the “typical” man who does not often talk about how he feels or about my mental health. I have always been the type of person to bottle it up and keep it to myself. Unfortunately, I did the same thing throughout the early stages of Evelyn’s life, but the reality was, I was struggling. In all honesty, I have still only shared with a few people how tough I found it in the early days. The reason being, that it should have been the happiest time of my life. However, I did not want it to come across as though I was moaning during this time.
“You need to look after yourself, to be able to look after your child”.
When I reflect on it, I still think that this period effects my decision making now. I think it may be the reason why I still have feelings failing as a parent. I do not know for certain. What I do know, is that I should have asked for help at the time. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you explore some support for yourself if you feel as though your mental health or emotional wellbeing is suffering. This is not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your child.
As parents, we often put the needs of our child ahead of our own. However, it is important to remember…you need to look after yourself, to be able to look after your child.
Question for the comments: Have there ever been any times in which you feel you have failed as a parent?
I hope you have enjoyed this post, please share your thoughts, stories or questions below in the comments. Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future posts.