Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
A period of change.
Parenting and understanding a teenager can be a rollercoaster of challenges. Throughout these years, children will change physically, emotionally and behaviourally. As parents, this can be an extremely challenging period, as you witness changes in your child and find yourself having to adapt to them. However, there are some consistent themes in how teenagers think, behave and what they desire. In this post, I will discuss four different themes I have come across in my years working with teenagers and parents. I hope this will provide some useful insights for parents trying to understand their teenager.
1. Hormones, hormones and more hormones.
“We have all been there”.
I am sure the idea that teenagers go through some hormonal changes, is not lost on any of us. We have all been there ourselves, but how many of us were conscious of this at the time? Conscious that our bodies and minds were changing. It is important to remember this as parents, because our teenagers behaviour can often be very frustrating to deal with, as we see them change. However, teenagers themselves will not recognise that their behaviour or attitudes are changing.
So what changes can we expect?
There are differences in how boys and girls journey through puberty, a breakdown of what these differences are can be found here.
Changes to how your child thinks and behaves can vary from child to child. This can depend on the child’s upbringing, relationships and environments around them. However, some consistencies you can see from teenagers include; the desire for independence, the importance of being accepted and fitting in, relationships beginning to change, as well as mood changes/swings becoming more frequent.
Therefore, as a parent it is important to understand that your teenager may not be able to help behaviours that stem from some of these physical or mindset changes. Almost overnight, you go from having a child who loves spending time with you and being with you, to having a teenager who think you are the most “uncool” person in their lives! Your child may go from happily having you escort them to see friends, to wanting you to be nowhere near them when they see their friends.
Understanding the root causes.
Understanding your teenager and the root causes of their actions, can be a challenging thing to deal with as a parent. It can sometimes be hurtful, especially if the teenager doesn’t communicate it particularly well. However, when you break the behaviour down, it is a result of the teenager wanting to fit in with their peers and becoming increasingly self-conscious.
As a result, it can be helpful for parents to try and understand their teenager and what the root causes of the behaviours are. Try to determine if behaviours are coming from a physical, emotional or psychological change, as a result of hormones and puberty. If so, this may indicate that the teenager has less control over their behaviours. Rather they are reacting as a result to these chemical changes in their bodies. It does not make it any easier for parents, however, understanding where a behaviour comes from will make it more likely that you respond in an appropriate way. This can lead to more healthy relationships with your child moving forwards.
2. The change in relationship
How quick it changes!
As a parent, you will no doubt notice your relationship with your child enters a new phase as they become a teenager. This transition can sometimes be more challenging for a parent. They move from having a young child who seeks out your company, love and affection, to a teenager who can become increasingly independent and less interested in your love and affection.
Teenagers can begin to disguise their feelings more and more. As parents, we can be left wondering what our teenager is feeling or what they want. However, it is important to remember that even though at times your teenager may seem reluctant to accept any love or affection, they most definitely still need it. I have seen it on a number of occasions when working with families. Parents try to show love and warmth towards their teenager, only to be shown the “cold shoulder”. As a result, the parents then stop trying to show that love and affection, which results in further isolation and relationships declining.
All children need to feel loved.
What remains consistent across all age ranges, is that children need to feel the love of their parents. What changes, is how that love and affection needs to be shown. For example, young children will be open to hugs, kisses and verbal affection. Many teenagers will be less inclined to accept, or be open to this form of affection. So what to do?
Try to show love and affection in a way that your teenager is comfortable with. For a period of time, this may be less hugs and kisses and more high fives and pats on the back. You will be the expert in what is suitable for your child. Consider the environment when choosing how you show affection, remembering that your child will be increasingly self-conscious. For example, telling your teenager you love them in front of their friends, will likely not go down well. But doing so in the privacy of your home, will likely lead to a more open and positive response.
There is no exact science to this, as every child and family dynamic will differ. The best approach is to remember that even though they won’t show it or accept it, teenagers still need love and affection. It is a case of finding the best way to show it.
Dictatorship to a Democracy.
“Teenagers want to be listened to, giving them that opportunity in a controlled conversation regarding a specific topic or issues, is likely to yield more positive results than deciding for them.”
Furthermore, a helpful way to think about and understand your change in relationship with your teenager, is to note that the relationship can change from a dictatorship to a democracy. What I mean by that, is that when children are young, parents are very much in control of what happens, when it happens and how it happens. However, when it comes to the teenage years, their desire for independence and freedom is likely to collide with this parental control. As a result, parents changing to a more democratic and discussion based approach, will serve to meet the teenagers needs for control and independence, but within the boundaries that parents set.
As an example, try to include your teenager in discussions that will affect them. Give your teenager an opportunity to share their views, thoughts and feelings, to help ensure that compromises can be reached. Your teenager wants to be listened to and understood. Giving them that opportunity in a controlled conversation regarding a specific topic or issues, is likely to yield more positive results than deciding for them. Presenting teenagers with choices, is another positive step. This will allow the teenager to feel as though they are in control and dictating what is happening. However, they are doing so from a set of approved choices from their parent.
Your relationship with your child will change as they become a teenager. However, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Understanding how and why your relationship has to change, is the first step in making sure the relationship can grow positively in this new phase.
3. Teenagers take risks.
Risk taking.
Your teenage years are often a period of time in which you begin to explore. This exploration can come in many forms, some very safe and some that pose more risk. With this, most teenagers would like minimal interference from parents, which cause a significant amount of parent anxiety! However, this risk taking part of a teenager’s development is an important one, so long as it is done safely.
These “risky” behaviours are subjective, what one parent considers a risk, compared to another parent will vary. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to impose my own interpretation of what is risky or not. Instead of doing so, I will speak more generally on the parents role in managing riskier behaviours.
Firstly, teenagers are going to want to take more risks. This may start with going shopping with friends for the first time, doing something independently for the first time, or at the other end of the scale, trying drugs or alcohol.
Planning around risk.
What is important no matter what the behaviour, is ensuring the safety of the child. One of the more effective ways of doing so as a parent, is to risk assess the situation or behaviour the child will find themselves in. After which, you can then agree a plan together with the teenager that ideally meet what the child’s needs are, whilst also keeping them safe.
For example, if your child was going out with friends to a new place for the first time, ask yourself what would the risks be and how do you plan around them? Do they have an agreed method of transport there and back? Do you know who they are with and where they are going? Can you easily get in contact with them?. Is there an agreed time of return? Do you need to agree some check in times? All of which are examples of questions you may need to ask.
I usually advise parents to use this as a way of building trust with your teenager. If the plan is followed, this builds trust and over time could lead to an easing of restrictions or rules. If the plan is not followed, there are tighter restrictions or an increase of rules. However, involving the teenager in the creation of this plan is important. This is so they feel listened to and you can understand their point of view and wishes and plan accordingly.
Different points of view.
Ultimately, a lot of teenagers will challenge this. They may not agree or may even ignore certain aspects of your plan. At which point, it may be time to review the plan and explore why the plan was ignored or is not working. Try to hear your teenager’s point of view and what would they would like to change. Understanding the barriers, social consequences and the way they view the situation, may give you a greater perspective.
For example, I frequently see situations in which parents request their teenager comes homes hours before their friends. From the teenager’s perspective, this would likely cause a lot of embarrassment and you could understand why they may ignore this. From a parenting point of view, you are trying to keep your child safe in a way you see fit. This conflict is very common, as the teenager will see the freedoms other friends have and expect the same. The reality is, no matter what you do as a parent, teenagers will always see freedoms other children have and want more.
Higher risk behaviours.
Teenagers may also engage in higher risk behaviours like using drugs or alcohol. Again, it is important to understand why they are doing so. Is it peer pressure? Is it a coping mechanism? Or are they unaware off the risks of these behaviours? Each situation would need to be dealt with in its own merits. Unfortunately, there is no one answer that can be given to every scenario. However, it is important to remember that exploring these new behaviours can be common at this age. I would advise seeking out the appropriate support in your local area from specialist services.
The key is to ensure that there is appropriate steps in place so that the child is safe, so any risk taking is done so in a healthy way. Compromise with your teenager is important, but their safety is the most important.
4. Social pressures
A non-stop social life.
As a teenager, it can often feel like your social standing is everything. When I entered my teenage years, social media was only just starting to make an appearance in our lives. Prior to that, your social life and status were entirely based on the time you spent with friends in a physical capacity or over telephone.
Nowadays, a teenager’s social life is constant. With the introduction of social media and online gaming, there is no escape. Not only is it constant, it is now quantifiable. How many friends/followers do you have? How many likes, comments do you get? Or how good are you at gaming? All are measurable and play a role in dictating your social standing. Being a teenager in today’s society, is an extremely judgmental and challenging prospect.
Pressure.
The pressure this can place on teenagers, can have a significant influence on their behaviours in and out of the home. As parents, it is important that we recognise the pressure they are under and the impact it can have on their behaviour. For example, teenagers may react in an extreme emotional way if parents do anything that may restrict or impact their social life. Some teenagers may not have their parents as friends on their social media accounts, or may not even want parents present at all if they are with friends. Other teenagers may rebel against parents and follow the lead of their peers, in order to ensure their social status is maintained. There are a number of different ways teenagers may act to increase or maintain social status, or to conform to social pressures. I am sure many of you will have your own examples.
Therefore, it is sometimes a helpful exercise for parents to imagine what being a teenager nowadays would feel like. Everything you put or do on social media is quantified by popularity. If you don’t use social media at all, you are isolated from all the talking points the next day. How your profile looks, the photos you post of yourself, everything is analysed and judged from all parts of your social circle. Children grow up with this pressure now, it will almost certainly have an emotional and behavioural impact.
How would we cope?
For parents, this is a difficult aspect to manage as a large part of it is out of your control and is more a result of the modern day culture. However, it is helpful to take a step back and think about the pressure your teenager is under. Understanding the social pressure your teenager is facing, can help you understand their behaviours in certain situations. This understanding in turn, will allow you to apply the appropriate context to some of the behaviours you see and allow you to act appropriately. Teenagers can be very skilled at masking their problems and isolating themselves from having to discuss them. Therefore as parents, we end up being detectives to our own children, trying to understand and figure out what is going on in your teenager’s life. Teenagers can be very misunderstood, at times it is important to remember that.
Summary.
In summary, the themes discussed above may not apply to every teenager. Nor do they present themselves in the exact ways discussed. My hope is that you can apply some of the discussion points in this post to help understand your own teenager. I hope that it provides some useful context as to why teenagers behave the way they do. As it is very important that we know how we can best support teenagers through this difficult period of their lives.
Question for the comments: Did you face any challenges when your child transitioned into their teenage years?
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