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Finding effective consequences for teenagers can be incredibly challenging for parents. Teenagers can challenge us at every stage and can make it very difficult for us to find ways to consequence negative behaviours. As a result, parents can lose confidence and stop challenging behaviours altogether. This can send two messages to the teenager. Firstly, that the negative behaviour is acceptable, as it is going unchallenged. Secondly, that they can overpower any consequence or challenge received from their parent. This is because they are seeing their parent challenge less and less as a result of their actions.
There is no one consequence that will act as a “quick fix” to these sort of scenarios. However, these situations can be reversed through a clear, calm and consistent approach from the parent.
In this post I am sharing and discussing 5 different consequences ideas for teenagers. Furthermore, I will discuss how to adapt them if the teenager challenges them. Finally, I will also share my thoughts on what to avoid when using these consequences.
I have previously written a post that explores 3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children. I would suggest that you also read this post as it discusses in depth how consequences can be applied effectively.
5 Consequences Ideas for Teenagers:
1. Removal of phone.
Removing a phone from a teenager is like removing a limb from their body. A teenagers phone is their social life, their pass time and entertainment device all rolled into one. As a result, removing such an item can be a highly effective consequence. However, such is the value of a phone to a teenager, you could expect a higher level of challenge from the teenager when trying to remove the phone.
Ideally, the removal of the phone should be time limited and this be made clear to the teenager. The phone should be removed immediately after the behaviour. Parents should stick to their decision and not back down or give the phone back early. Once the phone is returned, the teenager should be reminded of why it was taken away. Tell them what changes you need to see in their behaviour and remind them that the phone will be taken away again (possibly for longer), if the negative behaviour is repeated.
It’s not always easy.
It sounds easy just saying, “remove their phone as a consequence”. The reality is, it can be a much more complicated task and I have seen this first hand, too many times to count. It can be very common for teenagers to refuse to hand over their phone or to hide their phone entirely. This can put you in a difficult position as a parent. Common responses I see from parents in this situation include; physically taking the phone from the teenager, backing down and giving up or getting into a long debate/argument with the teenager about the phone.
In my opinion, I would discourage any of those above three actions. Getting physical with your child is rarely a recipe for success (which I will discuss more below). Backing down does not help yourself or the teenager moving forwards. Furthermore, debating the issue with your teenager sends a message that you are negotiating and they can argue their way out of the consequence.
Every family dynamic and situation is unique. Therefore, there is no one answer as to how a parent should deal with this situation. However, my advice would be to remind parents in these situations that there are other steps you can take.
Alternative steps.
For example, it is common for the child’s phone to be registered in their parent’s name. If that is the case, remind the teenager that whilst they may physically have the phone, the contract is in your name and you are able to change/cancel that contract if needed. It is extreme, but it may be something you wish to use. Furthermore, you could take away their phone charger instead. It won’t be too long until the phone runs out of battery and the phone will be useless to them. You may then even keep the charger for longer if they continue to refuse to hand the phone over, as they have not complied with your request. Finally, dependent on how the phone is set up, you could change the Wi-Fi password. This will significantly impact how useful the phone is to them.
It is never easy to have your child defy instructions and refuse to hand their phone over. However, it is important as a parent to remain calm and in control of our own emotions. Remind yourself that even if you do not physically have their phone, there are steps you can take that keep you in control. In my opinion it is important to take steps that encourage the teenager to get to the point in which they decide to hand their phone to you. Physically taking it from them, or sneaking it away from them, means that they still haven’t complied with you and this strategy may only work for a short period of time.
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2. Restrict internet access.
The internet is an integral part of all our lives nowadays. As a teenager, it feels almost central to everything you do. Therefore, this can be a powerful tool for parents to utilise at home when it comes to finding a consequence for teenagers.
Teenagers may be using the internet on their phones, for gaming or for socialising with their friends. As a result, removal or restriction to internet access can be an effective consequence to use with teenagers. It can also be done in such a way so that is does not adversely affect what anyone else in the family are doing.
Turning the internet router off, changing the Wi-Fi password or removing Ethernet cables are all examples of how internet access can be removed/restricted. As some of these consequences can be done without the teenagers even knowing, it is important to communicate clearly with your teenager about what you are going to do and why. Again, I would recommend that this restriction is done on a time limited basis. Once returned, it is explained that this will continue to happen should behaviours be repeated.
Teenagers will usually have limited control over this consequence, therefore, it can be difficult for them to impede you. However, they may present with more emotional behaviour if internet access is suddenly stopped. Which is why communication is very important with this consequence.
3. Remove game console/device.
For a large number of teenagers, gaming is an essential activity that is done on a daily basis. It can be how teenagers socialise with friends. This generation have moved to a more virtual world of socialising rather than doing so in the physical world. Therefore, removing gaming from teenagers as a consequence, can be a highly effective strategy.
Similar to what I have discussed above, removal of gaming would likely invoke an emotional response in your teenager which may result in escalating behaviour. Again, this may be refusal to comply in handing over a gaming device, or hiding equipment. Like discussed above when talking about removing a phone, it is important for parents to remain calm and in control in these situations.
“What if they refuse?”
Should your teenager refuse to hand over a gaming device or comply with its removal, there are always steps you can take. More often than not, games require a level of internet access to be played. As a result, so you may switch the consequence to a removal of internet access from teenagers. If it is a mobile gaming device, these usually require charging, so removal of the charging equipment is an option. Alternatively, it is a more extreme measure, but you may remove their TV that the game console is connected to. Thus making the console useless.
For this consequence and the two discussed above, the goal is to always create an environment in which teenagers makes the decision to comply. Making the decision to comply is really important, as it is a positive choice they are making and lays the foundation for the consequence working again in the future. If you physically force compliance, the child has learned nothing and will likely just try and adapt or change their responses to “get away with it” next time.
4. Grounding.
Grounding teenagers so they cannot leave the home, is a consequence that I feel is losing its impact to some degree. A majority of teenagers nowadays seem to prefer to stay indoors. This is likely due to the fact their social lives are moving more online. However, there can sometimes still be scope for using grounding as a consequence with the modern day teenager.
Grounding can be best used in a tactical manner, when you know the impact is going to be at its highest. For example, if a teenager has plans to meet friends or go out for a specific activity or trip. If you try and use grounding as a consequence when a teenager has no plans anyway, the impact will be significantly reduced.
Grounding is best used in a time limited way, with this time limit being communicated to the teenager. It is important that open ended groundings are avoided. This is because it can lead to more confusion, a lack of clarity and likely lead to the child escalating their behaviour more often throughout.
Refusing to come home.
I have worked with a number of families in the past who have teenagers who will run out of the home or refuse to come home when grounded. Again, this can be really challenging for parents and can pose a safety risk. Appropriate steps to take in these situations are first and foremost to ensure your child is safe. Try and establish communication with the teenager. Make it clear that they need to return home within a specific time frame. Do you know where they are, what they are doing and who they are with? If you do not have the answers to these questions, your child is not returning home and any attempts to find your child have been unsuccessful, we as practitioners have always been advised to recommend that parents contact the police at this point to report your child missing.
As a parent, you do not want to have to report your child missing to the police. However, if you do this sends a very strong signal to the child that they have defied your instructions and you will take action.
5. Restrict access to money.
Similar to grounding, this may be a consequence used in more specific situations. However, teenagers can be highly motivated by money and access to money. Some teenagers expect their parents to fund their lives unconditionally and become used to this. Therefore, controlling or restricting this access to money can be a significant motivator to change behaviour.
For example, a teenager may participate in regular activities that come at a cost. Therefore, a consequence may be that this cost is not paid and therefore, access to the activity is removed. Some teenagers may access subscription services (usually around gaming), these subscriptions can be cancelled.
This may not be a consequence that applies to all families and teenagers. However, it is useful for some parents to remember that the money we pay for activities or services can be controlled or restricted. Especially if the behaviours displayed by the teenager do not deserve such payments.
5 Things to Avoid When Using Consequences:
1. Taking everything away.
I commonly see “take everything away when a child misbehaves”, as a strategy advised online. It is also a common step I have seen parents take first-hand, when they feel that consequences aren’t working. Parents get frustrated and start to escalate their own actions and take more and more away from the child. Very quickly, you end up in a position in which you have taken everything away. So what happens when you have taken everything away and the child is still misbehaving?
When a teenager finds themselves in the position where they have lost all luxuries around them, a common response will be, “What more do I have to lose?” This mentality usually leads to teenagers continuing to escalate their behaviour as they know there is nothing more their parent can do. This can be incredibly difficult for the parent, as they will recognise they are out of options. These type of scenarios can result in the parents backing down, after being worn down by the behaviour. This backing down then reinforces all of the steps the teenager took to get there and the situation will likely repeat in the future.
Causes more problems than it solves.
For me, I think there are other more helpful approaches to take. Taking everything usually causes more problems than it solves. Using time limited consequences that are short and sharp, give parents so much more ammunition to deal with behaviour.
For example, if a parent simply removed a child’s phone for misbehaving for the rest of the day, that phone is now gone and off the table as a future consequence. Any future behaviours would require a different consequence. However, if the phone was removed for 30mins, this consequence can be repeated a number of times before the phone is completely taken away. This gives the parent more flexibility to deal with more behaviour. As a result, the parent will never feel like they have ran out of options.
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2. Using too long/short time frames for consequences.
The common perception is that the longer the consequence, the worse it is for the teenager. In my experience, this is not the case. If a consequence is too long, the impact of it is lost as the teenager will simply move on and do something else. I have found that using more short and sharp consequences has a better impact.
The reason for this I feel, is that it is more inconvenient for the teenager to lose a phone for 30minutes, rather than the rest of the day. A teenager may be in the middle of talking to someone or playing a game. If the phone is lost for the rest of the day, they can move on. If it is lost for 30minutes, it isn’t really enough time to move on and start something else. However, it is long enough to be inconvenient and send a message to the teenager that their behaviour needs to change.
Equally, too short of a consequence can have no impact at all. Therefore, it is at the discretion of each parent as to what an appropriate length of the consequence is, for the behaviour displayed. To be effective, consequences need to be time orientated, logical and consistently applied.
3. Getting physical with your child.
This is a subject that divides opinion and is also dependent on where you live, your culture and how you were raised. Some countries have made physical chastisement illegal and in other cultures it is well established and continues to happen today.
I live in the UK and even in different parts of the UK, the laws on physical chastisement differ. For example, physical chastisement is illegal in Scotland and Wales, however, it remains legal in the England. Personally I feel that it will eventually be made illegal in England too. However, for now it is allowed so long as no mark is left on the child.
Despite it being legal where I live, my personal opinion is that physical chastisement does not work in the longer term. This is due to the impact it can have on the relationships, the emotional and physical health of the child and the precedent it sets for the future of your parenting.
Thinking long term.
In the short term, when children may be younger and smaller than the parents, taking physical steps with your child may work. However, a time will come in which your child feels bigger, stronger and more confident to challenge these steps. All too often in my work with families, I come across parents who have significant physical altercations with their children. I don’t think any parent has a desire to fight or be involved with a physical altercation with their child. However, introducing a level of physicality in your relationship, can potentially open the door to physical altercations happening in the future.
Many parents resort to physical action out of frustration or them feeling like they have no other choice. However, there are always alternatives to getting physical with your child, some of which have been discussed in this post.
My advice to parents on this matter has always been, if you are feeling an urge to take a physical step in response to your child’s behaviour, instead take yourself out of the situation for a period of time. Take a moment to reflect, calm down and determine what other steps can be taken. Then return to address the issues when ready. However, this is ultimately an individual parents choice based on the laws of where they live.
4. Removing future “rewards/items” as consequences.
This is an important consideration to make when you are deciding what consequences to use. I often see parents removing future “rewards” as a consequence for the here and now. As an example, lets say a child has misbehaved and the parent decided to take away the pocket money the child was due to receive the next day. In that moment, the child hasn’t actually lost anything. They have lost something they never had in the first place. In reality, the child can carry on exactly as they were, with no differences at all around them for their behaviour.
It is important that consequences are felt in the “here and now” for the child. These consequences are most effective when the child is losing something or access to something that they already had. These are the small details that make consequences more impactful and effective in the longer term.
Should removal of future rewards/items be continued, the likely outcome would be the child learns nothing in the moment. When the time comes that the child was due to get the reward/item, they will likely have forgotten all about the original behaviour and why they are no longer getting it. This will likely lead to a new set of behaviours to deal with.
Simply put, try and make consequences relevant to the present. Make it so the child loses something in that very moment of the behaviour taking place.
5. Backing down/giving in.
It is easier said than done, but the reality of using introducing consequences with children can in the short term, actually create more behaviour. I think there is a view from many parents out there that it is just a case of finding the right consequence and it will work immediately. This is rarely the case.
Most parents will experience increased challenge from their teenagers when they start to introduce consequences. Especially if the teenager is not used to consequences at all. The teenager will feel a lack of control and revert back to all the behaviours that have worked for them in the past. Which is where the challenge for parents comes.
Consistency and persistence.
The key for parents is to not view this as the consequences not working, rather it is the first part of the process of change. The priority for parents has to be consistency and persistence through this period. The teenager needs to learn that parents do not back down, they stick to what they say they are going to do and do so consistently. If this is done, the teenager will learn that it is in their best interest to comply. How long this takes is dependent on each individual teenager. However, you can ask yourself as a parent, how long has your teenagers behaviour been an issue? Weeks? Months? Years? The longer behaviour has gone on for, the more embedded it will be in the teenager. It will not necessarily take as long to reverse, however, it is an indication of how much work may be ahead.
It is certainly not easy for parents and I wish there was an instant quick fix. Unfortunately, long term change comes with time and effort.
For more information around this, read my post on Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences here.
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As a person who was once a teenager, I agree with all points you mentioned above. Dealing with teenagers aren’t easy. They are highly emotional people. You have to know how to tackle their minds.