Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
It can be very common for parents to experience difficulties with their mental health. Some parents speak openly and honestly about their struggles. Other parents try to suppress these feelings or push them aside in the hope they will go away in time. I am the latter of the two.
I was unsure whether to write about this topic at this point, as both my wife and I are currently experiencing mental health difficulties and are accessing support. However, I came to the conclusion that it may be more helpful for others if I talk about my experiences with mental health as a parent, whilst it is a current and an ongoing factor in my life.
Therefore, I wanted to share some of our experiences and thoughts on the impact our mental health difficulties have had on our family life, barriers to accessing support and why it is so important to seek support with mental health.
Post Natal Depression.
My wife has a diagnosis of Post Natal Depression and she was diagnosed a number of months after the birth of our daughter. I am not sure if other families have had similar experiences, but it actually felt like quite a battle getting medical professionals to accept that it could be Post Natal Depression my wife was struggling with.
Impact of COVID lockdowns.
Our daughter was born during COVID and we spent the early part of her life in lockdown at home. As a result, the vast majority of early year’s support/groups/activities were unavailable. This was a big thing for my wife, who was looking forward to attending baby groups/activities during her maternity leave. It also robbed her of a chance to meet other new parents and normalise a lot of the issues new parents face.
As a result, my wife almost immediately started to struggle emotionally. This can be common in new mothers and is often labelled as “Baby Blues”. However, from my observations at home, it was something deeper than this. My wife would find faults in every decision she made and had convinced herself that she was the worst mother possible. This was of course not the case. These feelings grew and grew over the weeks and months that followed. However, it felt that every time we asked for help, we would just be told it was “Baby Blues” and the feelings would pass. They didn’t.
I would speak to the various professionals who came to visit us and say that I think it is more than “Baby Blues” and would reference the NHS website of symptoms to look out for, for Post Natal Depression. My wife was displaying the majority of them. However, these concerns were dismissed.
Being persistent.
Ultimately, it took repetitive phone calls to the GP, before it was accepted that further support was needed. In the end it was months after I had first raised concerns before any support was actually offered. Considering the significance of the impact Post Natal Depression can have, I was surprised at how dismissive health professionals were at the time.
It would be interested to know if any other families have had similar experiences? Let me know in the comments.
Fast Forward a couple of years, we are the parents of a two year old and my wife continues working hard to manage her mental health. Unfortunately, mental health issues are not like physical injuries. There is no set period of recovery that is predictable for each person. Therefore, it is important to understand that getting support for your mental health is a journey, a journey with an unclear duration. However, if you continue to work positively towards looking after yourself and your mental health each day, you will eventually arrive at your destination.
How I have struggled with my mental health.
I have never been very good at sharing my own feelings or emotions. In that regard, I may be thought of as a “typical man”, who does not talk about feelings, issues or doesn’t seek help when he should.
It has only been a recent decision in the last few weeks that I decided to access some support for myself. In reality, it is something I should have done a long time ago. For whatever reason, I always managed to convince myself out of it.
“I am just being silly, I don’t need support”. “There are plenty of people in worse situations than me”. “I should be able to cope with this”. All of these are thoughts I have repeated to convince myself out of asking for support.
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Bottling up how you feel.
I think my issues have just come from feeling overloaded over a period of time. I bottle up emotions and have done for a long time, which ultimately, is only going to lead to issues getting worse. We have faced our fair share of issues over these last couple of years and I haven’t been looking after myself during this period. Not dealing with issues, bottling things up or pushing issues aside does not resolve them. Nobody teaches you how to look after your mental health.
The trigger point for me was that I didn’t really recognise myself anymore. How I was feeling/behaving was impacting the people around me, my health and the enjoyment I have. As a result, I felt I had to do something and get some help.
Being honest, I still get those dismissive thoughts and don’t feel like I should be seeking help. I still think that I “should just be coping”. However, I am persevering with support, as I know it is something I need to do. I think the challenge I have is that I work with families every day and I see first-hand the challenges so many other families have. As a result, I am constantly comparing my situation to that of others. This thought process usually leads me to thinking that because other people have it worse, I shouldn’t have support. The logical side of my brain knows this is wrong. You cannot compare how mental health affects one person to the next, especially when you are also a parent.
The impact on the family.
Inevitably, both my wife and I having challenges with our mental health, impacts us as parents and wider family life. I cannot speak to my wife’s personal feelings on how it has impacted her or her perception of how it has impacted family life. However, I certainly feel that my personal struggles has impacted family life and my capacity to enjoy family life.
As a couple of examples of how I feel my issues impact the family, over time I have felt myself become increasingly isolated at home. Which is through my own doing. I often find myself in a headspace in which I just want to be alone. This is particularly unfair on my family and I then feel guilty for feeling like this. My motivation to do things or go places can be another aspect of family life impacted. Again, I feel guilty about this as it is not fair on the family, especially my daughter. This is usually all in addition to generally feeling low and becoming increasingly unhealthy in the choices I make.
There are a wide variety of ways that mental health can affect you as a parent and your life around you. Too many to go into individually. How mental health impacts someone is unique to the individual, so try to avoid comparing yourself to others.
Recognising the impact mental health issues have can be a difficult task for some. For others, it can be obvious and be the elephant in the room that you can either choose to ignore or do something about.
Barriers to accessing support.
It can be common for parents in particular to struggle with their mental health/emotional wellbeing. I have seen this countless times in families I have worked with and am now experiencing this myself.
A particular barrier I have found, is that it is common to hear that having a child is the “best experience of your life”. So what happens if like me, you find the initial period of being a parent one of the most challenge times in your life? Are you doing something wrong? Why is it easy for all these other parents?
All these type of thoughts are things I thought about regularly. The reality is, every parent struggles. It just isn’t talked about as much. I used to always feel bad speaking to my friends who didn’t have children. They would ask with such positivity what it is like being a Dad. All I would want to say is that it is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am really struggling. However, I didn’t want to sound like I was being negative, when this is meant to be the best thing to ever happen to me.
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Medication.
In regards to barriers for my wife, she had particular difficulty coming to terms with the fact she may need some medication to help her. Again, this can be common if you have that mindset of feeling like you can just overcome mental health with sheer will power. As a result of my wife feeling like this, she actually put off getting medication for a long time. Currently, she is using medication and is very pleased she started, as it has made a big difference. But this just goes to show how we can convince ourselves out of getting the support we need, which leads to delay and issues likely getting worse.
My biggest barrier was accepting that I needed support. Again, this may be common for other people out there. For months I would have the nagging feeling of something isn’t right and I should probably speak to someone. However, I never would. I would tell myself it is just a passing feeling and that I needed to just get on with it.
Perhaps I gave myself a false sense of security, by the fact that I could have good days. I would latch onto these days and tell myself, “See, I’m fine”, just because I had a good day. I have really had to convince myself that you don’t have to feel down every single minute of every day, to be in a position to need support.
Seeking help
Currently, I have had two sessions speaking with a counsellor through the mental health charity MIND. Is it working/helping? I am not too sure, it may be too soon to tell. I have never done anything like this before, so I don’t know what to expect. What has been helpful, has been speaking freely about everything that is going on, or that has already happened. Relieving that mental load and to have someone’s honest and supportive feedback has been an interesting and positive experience so far.
How long/short my journey is going to be is unclear. What I do wish is that I started earlier. This is the one of the main reasons I wanted to write on this subject today. I didn’t want to be another man who doesn’t discuss this important topic.
Speaking from my own experience, my advice to any others who are unsure whether they want/need support, is simple…do it!
You can find further information of UK based support here:
NHS Mental Health Support MIND Mental Health Foundation
Listen to that nagging feeling.
If you have that nagging feeling that something isn’t right and you may need someone to speak to, but you are having doubts, trust the feeling that support is needed. Don’t give in to the doubts and don’t waste time dwelling on whether your concerns are significant enough. If they are significant enough for you, that is enough.
I am sure my wife would echo the same sentiment from her own experiences. She also delayed some of her own decision making around accessing support. In hindsight, she also looks back and wishes decisions were made sooner.
Getting support earlier will be better for you, better for your family and will be a decision you are pleased you made when you look back.
This is a post I never thought I would write about myself. I hope sharing these experiences has been helpful for you. Being honest…I was on the fence as to whether or not write about it. But if just one other person finds this information useful and gets support sooner, it has been worth it.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or stories in the comments below!
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I’m so glad you are writing about mental health. The more we talk (about it) and write about it the better is is for everyone!
Thank you Anna! 😁
Parenting can be hard and challenging. Thank you for sharing these good tips.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It will definitely help other people and I’m sorry your wife went though this and you have also been affected. Parenting is hard!
Thank you very much Sam! You are 100% correct, parenting is hard, yet I still don’t think its talked about enough!