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Conflict between parents can emerge for a variety of reasons. It can take many forms and be at varying levels of severity. However, parental conflict at any level will have some form of impact on family life. There is a big push at the moment to support parents in reducing conflict in the home, as it can have significant impact on the whole family.
I have worked with a number of families who have been experiencing parental conflict at varying levels. Therefore, in this post I will discuss some of the common causes of conflict I have come across and what strategies parents can try to reduce conflict in the home.
5 Common causes of conflict between parents:
1. Parenting Styles.
Parents face challenges of all shapes and sizes when it comes to raising their children. Whilst some of these challenges can be common and predictable, how parents respond to these challenges can vary. You do not get a manual of how to parent when your child is born. As parents, we are products of our own upbringing, whether that be positive or negative. This ultimately can lead to parents having very different opinions on parenting or a completely different parenting style.
Should these opinions or styles clash with one another, this is where conflict can emerge. Not all conflict is unhealthy. However, repetitive conflict without resolution can build over time and lead to more intensive conflict that has a negative impact on all those exposed to it.
Conflicting parenting styles is the most common cause of conflict I have come across as a parenting practitioner. Parents can be deeply passionate and resolute in their beliefs that their approach is the correct one. This leaves little scope for negotiation and flexibility. Ultimately this will lead to an inconsistent parenting approach with the child, creating confusion and unpredictable environments. In my experience, children in these sort of environments will tend to behaviour more negatively, more often. As a result, this further fuels the conflict as parents are faced with more behaviour to respond to, which in turn creates more conflict and the cycle continues…
2. Communication.
Communication breakdowns in any environment presents difficulties and challenges. Another common theme I have come across in my work with families, is that conflict between parents can emerge when communication channels are breaking down. This could be one parent not taking on board the opinion of the other, being too confrontational, lack of understanding (willingness to understand) or even parents simply not communicating at all.
I can completely understand how/why these communication breakdowns can occur. Speaking for myself, when our daughter was born there was a significant increase in number arguments or disagreements I had with my wife. We both care so deeply about our daughter, we both have strong opinions on what we should/shouldn’t be doing, it is only natural to expect a level of conflict to emerge. Thankfully, we found ways to communicate more positively and constructively, however, this isn’t always easy.
Parents not communicating or sharing information, can make it difficult for one another to work together. Children need to see a united parenting team, however, parents not speaking or working together leaves them open to children finding the cracks and utilising them. Typically, this is how children play one parent off against another, as they see that parents are not communicating and it creates an opportunity for the child to exploit. This is just one of many examples of how communicating difficulties not only makes the parent relationship more strained, but can also make parenting in general a lot more challenging.
3. Stress/Anxiety/Mental Health.
These factors are often a symptom of wider pressures in a parent’s life. However, it is important to recognise that these outside pressures that influence our mental health, can significantly impact the level of conflict between parents.
I am not a mental health expert by any stretch, however, I have had the experience of working with many parents who are struggling with their mental health, or have partners who are struggling. Again, I can relate to this aspect personally, as my wife struggled with Post Natal Depression after the birth of our daughter. This certainly contributed to some of the differences in opinion we had around this time. Whilst no blame can be attached either way, it is still important to realise that a parent’s mental health can increase the pressure on both parents, which may lead to increased conflict.
It could be stress from work, financial issues or wider challenges the family are facing, but our mental health can change for a variety of reasons. Despite the changes to our mental health, the challenge we face as parents can remain the same, or even feel like it is increasing. This can take its toll on an individual. Furthermore, it can take a toll on the partner. Dependent on the severity of the issue and the duration, the likelihood of conflict between parents in these situations can increase.
Mental health issues are rarely resolved quickly. As a result, these challenges can place a family under increased pressure, often over long periods of time.
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4. Addiction.
Whether it be alcohol, substances or gambling addictions, the symptoms of such are also a common factor when it comes to conflict between parents. Being dependent or addicted to something like the above, will without doubt have an impact on family life to some degree. Whether this is disengagement from family life, financial implications or impacting a person’s mental health, all present barriers to a cooperative and collaborative parenting approach.
Specific addictions require specific support, please see below for some helpful websites with further information:
5. Parenting Challenges faced from children.
The challenges we face as parents are wide ranging and unique to each family. At times, it can feel like our children seem to enjoy challenging us and pushing us to our edge. With many families I have worked with, these challenges have been intensive and relentless in nature. Coping with this as parents is extremely difficult and can create conflict between the parents, as each struggle to deal in meeting this challenge.
Challenges could be from within the home, school issues, concerns in the community or a combination of all. You could have a very solid parenting team, who communicate and work well together, finding meeting these challenges very tough. Every parent has their limits. When these limits are reached, parents can find themselves starting to react more emotionally and in a completely different way to how they usually would. When emotions are running high, people can act out of character. This is a time in which parents can fall into conflict with one another, as they desperately try and find a solution to their challenges.
Ways to reduce conflict:
Getting on the same page.
This can be easier said than done. However, if both parties have the desire to resolve the conflict, dedicating some time to finding common ground and getting on the same page is essential. Children need to see and feel their parents working together. This takes times, effort and communicating between parents. No parenting team is perfect, everyone has their own issues and problems. The key is working towards something more positive one step at a time.
It may be useful to start with each parent having an opportunity to share how they wish to proceed. Try to find the common group between the two opinions. Where can concessions be made? Where can you be flexible with your own ideas? Be open to your partner’s ideas and not too precious about your own.
Most importantly, don’t expect to resolve all your issues overnight. It will take time. There will be ups and downs along the way. When you hit barriers, communicate it clearly, calmly and at the right time for you both.
Understanding each other’s headspace.
What a person says and what a person is thinking/feeling are not always going to be correlated. When trying to understand why conflict is occurring and how to respond to it, it is important to spend time listening to how each other are feeling and what is influencing that feeling.
For example, a parent could be under a significant amount of work stress, which is influencing their mood at home. This could have gone unsaid between parents and a be hidden factor. Therefore, it is worthwhile considering what is going on in a parent’s life that could be contributing to the conflict?
Once you have reached a point in which you have a good understanding of how each other are feeling and how that is affecting them, you have a lot more context and opportunity to make a successful plan of what can be done differently moving forwards.
The key is to not judge to soon and be curious and supportive of how your partner is feeling.
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Quality time together.
It is a piece of advice widely given to parents, but rarely in my experience is it listened to. In reality, this is because parents are trying to balance a range of responsibilities and spending time together doesn’t always rank high up the list.
In order for parents to look after their children, they need to look after themselves. Sometimes this means that they prioritise themselves and spending time together. Many parents struggle finding time for this, when considering everything they may need to do for work and their children. However, time spent together does not always need to be extravagant and time consuming.
Planning regular time together, that is structured into the day, can be a successful way of ensuring that you are taking care of yourselves and your relationship. This could be walking to dog together, cooking together or relaxing and watching a film together. The key is that this time is allocated to one another. No multi-tasking, like working on the laptop, talking to others on the phone or being distracted with other tasks. Communicate with each other. Discuss how you are and what’s going well and not going well. These are excellent opportunities to understand where your partner’s head space is and how they are feeling. All of which adds to reducing any conflict.
Communication Channels.
How and when you communicate with other is an important consideration to make. I often see with parents in conflict, that one parent will initiate a discussion because they are ready to have that conversation. However, there is often little consideration as to whether or not their partner is ready. If this conversation is pushed, these situations can lead to conflict.
Therefore, it can be helpful to ask yourselves if both parties are ready to discuss a specific issue. If so, you are going to have a better chance of finding a resolution or having a successful outcome. Conversations are best held when both parties are in the right frame of mind. Therefore, it is important to ensure that conversations are initiated with this in mind. If it is not the right time, try to agree a time in which you can have this conversation later.
Respecting how your partner is feeling at a given moment, negotiating how or when a conversation takes place, gives you a much more solid foundation to start on.
Seeking outside help.
Dependent on the severity of the conflict, or how long it has been an issue, seeking outside help can be a very positive and viable option for parents. There is absolutely no shame in seeking this help. There have been a large number of families who I have signposted to this form of help, who have benefited immensely and family life across the board has improved.
It is important that both parents agree and consent to this support, as it requires both parent to want to work at reducing the conflict. But if you are in the position in which you feel like you have “tried everything”, it could be worthwhile to explore local “Reducing Parental Conflict” programmes (UK), or alternative/similar support avenues where you are.
Parents of any background or demographic can experience conflict. It will be more common than you think and not all conflict is unhealthy. Understanding why your conflict is happening, what the triggers are and what needs to change are useful starting points. My hope is that some of the discussion points above prove helpful in understanding some of the causes of conflict and what can be done to help reduce it.
Question for the comments: What strategies have worked for you to reduce conflict with a partner?
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This really helped me understand the potential issues parents may experience when there is conflict between them. There are obviously quite a few points that can cause problems so it helps to be aware; thanks for sharing!