Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
Having spent so much time working with parents and families who are struggling and in need of support, you begin to notice trends in the issues families have and the most common questions that parents ask. In doing so, you realise that many parents face the same type of issues and ask the same questions when it comes to bringing up their children.
Regardless of your family history, demographics, where you live, your employment or any other wider factors, parenting is hard and it is ok to have doubts and struggles.
Therefore, I wanted to put together a list of the 10 most common questions (in no particular order), that I have been asked by parents over the last 10 years. I will provide my own thoughts and answers to these questions, as well as links to more detailed posts I have written on these topics. I hope it is helpful!
1. How do I get my child to follow instructions?
Children of any age can refuse to follow instructions or ignore parent requests. This is why this it is one of the most common questions parents have asked me.
In order to answer this question, it is important to firstly understand how the child has avoided instructions in the past. Do they just ignore instructions long enough so you give up asking? Do you complete the task for the child if they keep ignoring you? Or does your child escalate their behaviour so you back down, or don’t even bother asking?
There can be a number of reasons why a child can get away with ignoring parent instructions. Understanding why and how, then enables the parent to identify what has to change moving forwards. It is not a quick process to encourage your child to follow instructions more often. Think about how long your child has been able to get away with ignoring instructions. Has it been days? Weeks? Months? Or even years? The longer the time period, the more ingrained the behaviour will be and consequently, the longer it will take to reverse.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
7 Steps to encourage your child to follow instructions
Why won’t my child listen to me?
5 Ways to deal with your child’s emotional behaviour
2. Why do the consequences I use not work?
It could be a “timeout” for a toddler, your child getting grounded or taking away their phone. Consequences come in different shapes and sizes. When used effectively, consequences can have a significant role it reducing the frequency of negative behaviour. However, when they appear not to be working, it can make parents feel backed into a corner with nowhere to turn.
This is why it is one of the most common questions parents ask, when they are struggling to manage the behaviour of their child. “Why are the consequences not working?” “What consequences should I use?” These aren’t always easy questions for parents to answer on their own, as there are many points to consider.
For example, is it a logical consequence? Is the consequence immediate and impact something the child is doing in that moment? How is the consequence delivered? What is the time frame of the consequence?
There are steps that can be taken to make the use of consequences more impactful, which in turn helps with behaviour, parent confidence and ideally means that they have to be used less and less as behaviour improves.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
3 Key steps to using effective consequences with children
Why to avoid using repeated warnings or threats with your children
5 Effective consequences for teenagers and 5 things to avoid
3. How do I get the school to be more supportive?
It is seemingly an increasingly common problem and an equally common question asked of me by parents. When schools are not supporting a child or family, how do parents deal with these issues with schools?
It could be schools blaming parents for issues, not appropriately supporting a child, not dealing with bullying issues or even not supporting a special educational need. Whatever the issue is, it can have a significant impact on the child, the parent and the family.
So what do parents do about it? Well, this depends on the specific issue. However, the first step is to always make the school aware of the issues, your misgivings or how you feel about a perceived lack of support. Should this fall on deaf ears, resort to the school policies (which can usually be found on the school website), they will indicate what school should/shouldn’t be doing about particular issues. Finally, official complaints can be made to schools if you feel that despite your efforts, the school are not supporting the child or are not following policies.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
6 Common issues parents can face with schools
4. How do I improve my relationship with my child?
Relationship difficulties between a parent and a child can be a common occurrence in family life. However, this does not make it any easier to deal with. If left unresolved, these issues can grow and grow and lead to some significant challenges in wider family life.
How to improve relationships is a common question asked to me by parents, especially parents of teenagers in particular. Restoring or improving relationships with your child is not easy, but does depend on how long relationships difficulties have been present or what the reasoning for the issues are.
Furthermore, there are no quick fixes for these issues. Improving relationships needs to be taken one step at a time, often at the child’s pace. However, should a parent commit to improving a relationship, they do it the right way and are patient in their approach. You will see improvements in time, which can positively impact all family life.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
5 Ways of improving relationships with your child
10 Simple activities to help bond with your child
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5. Why won’t my child go to sleep?
Sleeping routine difficulties or sleep troubles with children is one the main reasons behind some of the most common questions parents ask me. This can affect children of a variety of ages, for different reasons, each posing their own specific challenges for parents.
These challenges can range from a toddler not staying in bed, to a teenager who refuses to go to sleep. These issues often come hand in hand with the parent also getting less sleep. This sleep deprivation only serves to make all family members more irritable and less patient. Which in turn, will likely cause more conflict and issues in the home.
As I have noted for other examples above, it is important to first of all understand why the issue is occurring before knowing how to respond to it. For example, is your toddler not staying in bed because they are so used to sleeping with parents? Is your child not sleeping because they have no set routine for their bed time? Or is your teenager up all night because they are playing games/on their phones all night?
Understanding the root cause of the issue is always the best way to start. The more you understand about how these issues start, the clearer the path is to how you need to respond as a parent.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
5 Points to consider when establishing sleeping routines for children
4 Steps to help get your toddler to sleep
6. Why is my child misbehaving?
Part of children growing up is them testing the rules and boundaries around them. Children are trying to identify where the boundaries are for them, what is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour. Parents draw their own lines of what acceptable/unacceptable looks like. However, children repeatedly overstepping these boundaries can cause significant challenges for parents.
Many parents are at a loss as to why their child constantly misbehaves, which is why it is so common for parents to ask me this question.
The first thing to do, can also be the hardest thing for parents to do. Which is to firstly look at our own roles and how we respond to these situations. Are our rules clear enough? Are the consequences appropriate and logical? Most importantly, do we clearly, calmly and consistently enforce the rules and boundaries with the children?
There are also external factors that influence behaviour. For example, friendships groups or key figures in that child’s life play a role in shaping a child’s view on rules and boundaries. Other factors like special educational needs, mental health/emotional difficulties or issues like bullying/academic problems can all influence a child’s behaviour.
Trace the behaviour back, when did it start? Has it become worse over time? Are there are trigger points for behaviour? All of these questions can go a long way in helping parents understand why their child is misbehaving.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
Why it is important to find the root cause of your child’s behaviour
4 Things to think about when trying to understand your teenager
7. How do I get my child to go to school?
Schools can put a lot of pressure of parents when there are school attendance issues. In the UK, typically parents will be threatened with fines and legal action if school attendance begins to drop. In some cases, these threats are made regardless of the reason for the attendance issues.
I have worked with many families in this situation, many of whom are pressured to work with services by schools. Which is why it is another common question asked of me by parents.
The answer is rarely simple. Mainly because there can be a variety of reasons why attendance issues start. The child could have experienced bullying, may be struggling academically, may have mental health issues or a Special Educational Need or the child may just think they can get away with it, if parents are not addressing the issue. Each of these examples would need its own unique response. However, the majority of which actually require action or support from the school, for it to be achievable for attendance to improve.
For example, a child is not likely going to want to return to school if bullying is still taking place. A child may continue to refuse to go to school if they are not receiving the academic support they need. On the other hand, if it is a case of the child refusing and the parent being unable to cope, this may likely fall onto the parent to try and do more. However, there is still a question to be asked as to why is the child refusing?
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
How do I get my child back to school?
What to do if your child is a victim of bullying?
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8. How do I support my child with their Autism?
From my experience in recent years, there seems to be more and more children and young people being diagnosed with Autism. In the UK, the system seems unable to cope with this demand, with waiting lists of years for children to be assessed and be able to access support.
In the meantime, parents of these children are often left to just cope and manage as best they can. Some parents may have a lot of knowledge of Autism and be able to cope with this period of waiting. However, many parents are not aware of how Autism affects young people and how to meet their needs.
As a result, we have more and more families who are asking for support to help manage their child’s needs, who either have Autism or are waiting to be assessed. This is why I have included this in my list of most common questions that parents ask, as I think it is going to be a question that will continue to be asked for months and years to come.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
10 Tips for support children with Autism
Why parents of children with Special Educational Needs deserve so much praise
9. How do I keep my child safe online when using social media?
Social media is becoming a more integral part in almost all of our lives. Personally, I have a very cynical view on social media, as I think it does more harm than good to young people. However, I have to also recognise that it is part of our lives now and children need to know how to use it and how to keep themselves safe. Especially as children’s social lives is seeming moving to the virtual world, away from the physical world.
Many parents express the same worries and concerns regarding social media. Issues like cyberbullying are a significant concern. More serious issues like grooming and predators online have more success, as many apps make it easy to mask who you are or what your intentions are. It is an ever changing minefield that is almost impossible for parents to keep up with. Which is why so many have to ask, how do they keep their child safe online?
Parental controls on devices and oversight of use is good place to start. However, another element to it is to try and keep up to date as a parent of what apps your child uses. Do your research on these apps and ensure that you are proactive in identifying potential areas of risk. If you are unsure, delete and remove the app.
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
What are the challenges parents/children face when using social media?
Screen time: A good or bad thing for young children?
10. How can I encourage my child to behave more positively?
We all want to see our children behave positively. However, for some children, they need some encouragement to do so and to turn these behaviours into a habit. This can come in the form of regular praise or rewards. When I have discussed this with parents, many can have lots of ideas around consequences, but struggle when it comes to using rewards. It is important to remember that using rewards can be equally as impactful as using consequences.
Therefore, after having these conversations with parents, many parents ask how they can encourage these behaviours or how do they reward their children. So I wanted to include it in this list of most common questions asked by parents.
Finding the right way to motivate your child is important. Not all children respond to the same type of reward. For example, some children can be very money orientated, others may prefer experiences. However, not all rewards require money or presents to be spent. For example, you could have rewards like allowing the child to stay up later, or stay out playing longer, they can choose the family meal or pick the movie you are going to watch.
As a parent, you know your child best! So try and be creative in what you do and if you are still struggling…you can always just ask them! Often children given you ideas you would never have thought of!
For more detailed information on this topic, see the below posts:
Why it is important to use praise and reward with your children?
9 Simple and effective reward ideas to motivate your child
Why you need to catch your kids being good
Feel free to share your own ideas for other parents in the comments below!
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This is some incredible insight and advice. I know a lot of people can get much needed information from this post. Thank you for sharing!