Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
As parents, we are constantly communicating with our children for a variety of reasons. Whether this be making requests or giving instructions, issuing praise/consequences or explaining something to them. In order to make this communication as effective and impactful as possible, it is important for you to use specific language when speaking to your child.
What is meant by “Specific Language”?
When I say “specific language”, what I am meaning is phrasing your conversations or what you say in a detailed and clear way. A way that leaves no room for interpretation. Being specific with your language will mean that the point you are trying to make or the instruction you are giving, is fully understood by your child. Many parents I have worked with fall into the trap of using vague language when communicating with their children. Often, parents have no idea that they are using vague language and will feel like they are being specific. Usually because they know what they are trying to say. However, the child could be on a different page entirely. Alternatively, there could be room for interpretation and the child has misunderstood.
The difference between specific language and vague language
The main difference between the use of specific language and vague language, is that specific language leaves no room for doubt or interpretation. Whereas, vague language can leave the child feeling uncertain of what is being asked of them or what message their parent is trying to get across.
I have come across a number of different examples of parents inadvertently using vague language. Many of whom thought that they were being specific, later to realise they weren’t. Therefore, it can take an outside perspective to help these parents realise how vaguely they are communicating.
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Here are some common examples of vague language I have seen:
Example 1:
A parent was having difficulty in getting their teenager up for school in the morning. They would tell me that everyday they go into their child’s bedroom and say the following. “Come on, you are going to be late to school!” Trying to encourage their child to get out of bed.
When I asked, the parent felt that they were being specific and that their request was clear. Therefore, I had to highlight that they haven’t actually made a request at all. What they had done is just make a generic comment to encourage the child. No details of what they wanted their child to do or how long they have to do it.
Furthermore, the parent was also highlighting the fact their child was going to be late to school. In all likelihood, this is what the child is hoping for! In the parent’s eyes, they have just made a request for their child to get up and get ready for school. But in their child’s eyes, the parent has told them what they already knew. They have not specifically been asked to do anything. Hence why this could be considered a vague request.
Example two:
The second example is a vague expression I would fall into the trap of using regularly when I used to work in schools. This being the use of phrases like “good behaviour” and “bad behaviour”. When speaking to students I would use these types of phrases regularly and it only occurred to me much later in my career, that I was being incredibly vague!
I later realised that using phrases like “Good/Bad Behaviour”, is not specifying what behaviours you want the child to repeat or change. I was just making an assumption that the child was on the same page. In reality, the child may have no idea what behaviour I am talking about and as a result, the message and desired outcome will be lost.
Examples of specific language
So what would specific language look like? Well using the example above of a teenager refusing to get out of bed, here is an example of what a specific request would look like, in comparison to the vague request above:
Vague request: “Come on, you are going to be late for school”.
Specific request: “It’s 7:30am now, I am going to need you to get out of bed, get dressed and brush your teeth. I am going to give you 20minutes to do that. So I will come back at 7:50am to check you have done that, do you understand?”
It may seem overly “wordy”, excessive or a bit overkill. However, being specific in your requests, conversations or explanations, is an essential step that you can build upon, especially if your child continues to ignore you, or not follow instructions.
Why parents should use specific language?
Being specific when communicating with your child, can increase your child’s compliance, understanding and respect for your rules and boundaries. If you are making vague requests or using vague language, this leaves the door open for either your child to utilise this to their advantage, or can lead to a misunderstanding.
As an example to this point, I often see parents give the simple instruction to their child to go and clean their room. In response, the child will go to their room and typically, they will sweep as much mess out of view as they can. Not actually cleaning anything. Just moving the mess.
In the child’s eyes, their room is a lot tidier. In the parent’s eyes, the child has not done anything like what the they wanted/expected. Who’s fault is that? The child was asked to tidy their room, so they did their own version of that. Instead, the parent needs to be more specific and clarify the details. For example, that they wanted the toys put away, the bed made and dirty clothes taken away. If these specific instructions were given, there is much less room for misunderstanding.
The same applies for positive behaviour
Equally, the same applies when giving praise or recognition for positive behaviours. It is important that parents specifically note what the child did that was positive. Make it absolutely clear to your child of why you are happy with them. The more clear you are, the more clear your child will be and as a result, the more likely it will be that they repeat this behaviour.
Finally, use of specific language can give you more scope for follow up action if your child continues to ignore your requests or instructions. If you know you have been absolutely clear and your child has understood you, continued refusal or ignoring of instructions is likely to be more through the child’s choice rather than a misunderstanding. Meaning you can take swifter action through discipline and consequences, as your child cannot use the argument of not understanding.
For example, in the scenario above with the teenager not getting out of bed, having used the specific language of giving the child 20minutes, this sets you up to give the child time to make a choice. If they make the wrong choice, you can follow up with immediate consequences. Whereas giving a vague or generic comment, does not set you up for next steps and usually leads to you having to repeat yourself or start making threats.
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Summary
There are countless examples of how specific language can be used and the positive impact it can have. Equally, how use of vague language can also increase the level of challenge parents face. It can sometimes be difficult to identify if you are being vague with your child, as you will know what you are trying to say and may feel you are already being clear in getting that message across.
However, perhaps trying putting yourself in your child’s shoes and see it from their perspective. Ask yourself if there is any scope for your child misunderstanding what you are saying? Is there a way they can claim to have not understood? Are there loopholes in what you are saying? Or are you being specific with instructions/expectations you are giving to your child and how long they have to follow these instructions?
If you have identified that you are using vague language, try to think of the alternative language you can use to be more specific. It will take practice and your child will likely notice this change and test it. However, if applied consistently over time, you are likely to find that your child is more compliant, there is less misunderstand and as a result, less conflict.
Remember, the same applies to positive behaviours! Recognise the positives and specifically detail why you are happy with your child, what they have done to make you happy and encourage them to repeat it.
Share your thoughts, stories, opinions below in the comments!
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Thanks for sharing
This is great. Love this approach this makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing!
Specific language is a really useful tool to use and one that I found very helpful when I was teaching. I’m not a parent but have used this tactic regularly in classes and it really is effective. Children and teenagers actually like the clarity and support/guidance for their actions. Great post!
Thank you Molly! Yes I wish I had understood this earlier when I was working in schools!!