7 Steps to Encourage Your Child to Follow Instructions

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Have you ever found yourself in a situation as a parent, where you are constantly having to remind your child to follow an instruction? Going up and down the stairs. Getting more and more frustrated each time you go up. Eventually leading to the point in which you react and say something along the lines of, “Right! If you don’t do tidy your room now, you will be grounded!”

If that situation is familiar to you, what is happening is that your child is successfully avoiding following instructions over and over again. They are doing so, until the point in which you then have to threaten them with a consequence, to get them to comply. In real terms, they are only responding to the threat of a consequence and not you as a parent.

Becoming a habit.

Across all age ranges, the vast majority of us parents will experience our children refusing to follow our instructions. Regardless of their age, this can be frustrating and challenging to deal with. However, if over time children find themselves being successful in avoiding following instructions, or refusing to follow them, this can quickly become a habit and more common occurrence.  

It is in this post in which I hope to provide some suggestions of an approach you can take, to increase the chances of your child’s compliance. No parent wants to have to threaten their child to get them to respond. Therefore, this approach can create a clear structure around making requests and encouraging your child to follow instructions. This is done without threats, without constant reminders and in a way that promotes the child to make positive choices.

However, whilst I have seen first-hand how effective this can be, it is not a “quick fix”. It is a strategy that will take time and patience to be effective. Quick fixes usually work for the short term only. My experience of this approach is that when implemented consistently over time, parents have more long term success.

Before getting into the 6 steps, I just want to discuss my thoughts on why a longer term approach is worth the effort.

Quick fixes are rare.

I am not a believer in the concept of quick fixes when it comes to parenting. My belief is that finding the root cause and addressing that, is the most effective way to create long term change.

To make it clear from the start, implementing any new parenting strategy or plan successfully, takes time. Rarely does trying something new work immediately. I think this can be a common misunderstanding, believing that trying a new approach or a new style will work straight away. It is great when it does, but in my experience, this is the minority of cases. In reality, getting a new plan to work, takes time, effort, patience and commitment.

Facing the challenge.

The steps I discuss below are an approach that can be successful, when applied consistently over a period of time. For some, this can be effective straight away. However, for a child that is used to you parenting in a certain way, or frequently try new things, or the child getting their own way, the likelihood is that this child will rebel and challenge these new approaches. Usually, this is the child’s strategy to deter you from your course of action as parent. Giving up and backing down to this, is giving the child exactly what they want.

As an example, when thinking about the behaviour you want to change, I ask you how long that behaviour has been a problem. Days? Weeks? Months? Or even years? The longer the behaviour has gone on, the more established it will be. Therefore, if a child has been behaving a certain way for months or years, it would be unrealistic to expect them to change this within a few days or weeks.

Thinking long term.

I am certainly not saying it is going to take the same length of time to change. However, I simply want to highlight that it is really important for parents to try and find fixes for the long term, not the quick fix. More often than not, this is the more challenging path to take as a parent. But it can be the path that yields the best results.

I often say to the parents I work with, would you prefer a short term battle for long term results? Or short term results with long term problems?

1. Getting their attention.

Increasing the compliance of your child starts with how you make your request to the child. Think about how you try to get their attention? How do you give the instruction to the child? How are you getting your child to follow your instructions?

Some of the common methods can be, shouting the instruction up the stairs if that is where the child is, or making the request while the child is watching TV or playing games. I would always ask, how do you know if the child actually heard what you were asking? They may have heard you shouting or acknowledged that you were speaking to them. But did they actually understand your request?

It is a small point, but this initial act of getting their attention is overlooked when giving instructions. You may be starting from a point in which your child has no idea what you actually said to them.

Extra effort makes a difference.

My advice has always been to make that extra little bit of effort to ensure that you have the child’s attention and you know for certain they heard you. For example, if your child is in another room, physically go and see them. Eye contact is important. For me, if the child is comfortable with eye contact, it is a sign from a child that they are engaged in what you are saying. Where possible, establish eye contact when explaining your instruction.

Finally, asking the child to repeat the instruction is a good way to ensure they have understood the request. Again, this may be something that needs to be done in an age appropriate way. However, it is important to clarify that you are both on the same page. Ensure that there is no doubt in your mind that they have heard and understood your instructions.

2. Respecting their time/what they are doing.

On parents terms.

Often when parents give instructions, it is done on the parent’s terms. Parents can be busy doing ten things at once and need to ask their child to do something. How much consideration do we usually give to what they child is doing at the time we make our requests?

The reason I ask this, is because as adults we can get frustrated ourselves if this happens to us. How would you feel if you were busy at work or in the middle of a task, and get interrupted by your boss to do something else? I know it would probably annoy me! Alternatively, how many times have you said to your child, “Not now, I am busy”? We don’t usually like being interrupted when busy.

Children are the same.

Children can be no different. Therefore, I always recommend to parents that they take a second to factor in what the child is doing at the time of the instruction. If they are in the middle of watching TV or playing a game, ask them how long until they finish or there is a natural break. This is just a small courtesy, however, sometimes these little actions can make a big difference as to whether or not your child follows your instruction.

I am not saying they are to be given hours and hours of time. More so that when possible, you give them 10/15mins to finish what they are doing and let them know you are coming to speak to them then. Once that time has elapsed, you re-engage and give the instruction. It is not going to work 100% of the time, because children are children. However, showing that respect to their time and what they are doing, will not only help with compliance, but it also role models positive behaviour you want to see back from them.

3. Your expectations vs their expectations.

Being specific with the instructions you give is so important!

When working with children in the past, I have made the mistake of being too vague and have seen the same issue regularly when supporting parents. Vague requests open the door to tasks not being completed in the way you are looking for.

Specifics matter.

For example, you may go and speak to your child and ask them to tidy their room. Therefore, I ask you, what is your version of what a tidy room looks like? Then think about what your child’s version of what a tidy room looks like? I expect there will be a difference! When given this vague request, your child will tidy the room to “their version” of tidy. This may be significantly different to what you wanted them to do. This can be challenging, as your child will feel as though the request was followed and completed. Whereas, you as the parent are left feeling like it has not been completed correctly. This situation usually leads to arguments or disagreements.  

In order to avoid this, giving specific and detailed instructions removes the potential for misunderstanding or having different expectations of the request. As an alternative to tidying your room, you could detail the following, “I need you to put your clothes away, take your dishes down stairs and make your bed.” This leaves no room for misunderstanding, is very clear and specific of what is required.

Making specific instructions is a vital component of ensuring that both parent and child come away happy!

4. Time frame.

It is a detail that can commonly be forgotten about. How long does a child have to complete the task? Adding a time frame to your instruction, is an important step for your follow up that comes later. Children require structure and clarity around them. Whether this be in the environment or when asking them to do something. An open ended request with no time frame, gives the child more scope to complete the request whenever they like or not at all. As a parent, you may have a time frame in mind, but unless communicated, how can the child cooperate?

How much time you give your child, depends on the request itself and the circumstances around the request. However, it is important that the child knows how long they have to complete the task, as this is something that will be referenced later, which we will discuss below.  

5. Giving them space.

So you have successfully got your child’s attention, you have respected their time, given an instruction in a specific way and given an appropriate time frame. Now for the important part.

Give the child space to comply, or ignore your instruction.

Resist the urge!

Many of us will have been there, when we have felt the need to constantly remind your child of the request you have made. My suggestion is not to do this. You have set your time frame, you know without a shadow of doubt that the child has understood the instruction. Now it is up to them to make a choice of whether to comply or not.

There are a few reasons why this is important. First of all, as noted earlier in the post, I believe it is important to move away from the culture of constantly prompting and reminding or threatening your child to comply, for the reasons I specified. Secondly, allowing the child this space to make a choice, either good or bad, will create opportunities for you to take action and help them to understand how to make positive choices independently. Once they learn this, you will find yourself not feeling that need to remind them over and over. This is because they will have learned over time that compliance is the most positive choice for them. Remember, the goal is for the children to comply without your input.

Therefore, even if time is running out and you know they are not complying, allow this to happen. As it is something that you will address in the follow up to the instruction.

6. The follow up.

Times up! Did they follow the instruction as asked? Have they ignored it? Now it is time to follow up either way.

It may not work first time.

In the early stages of trying this approach, you may find your child has not complied. That is ok. I know it is not the result you wanted, however, it is a necessary stage or step that has to happen for the child to learn. The follow up in this instance, is not going to be full blooded telling off. More so, a calm and decisively delivered consequence, that you have planned ahead of time. Once the time frame agreed has gone by, it is time to speak with your child and inform them that as a result of the instruction not being followed, there is a consequence now in place. I have a separate blog on consequences you can read here.

Follow up consequences.

Now this may feel quite harsh when you first do this, which can be expected. Your child may get emotional and challenge this decision, again, I would largely expect this. What is important, is for you to remain calm and remain focused on the reason why the consequence has been issued. Remind the child that the instruction was not followed, which is why the consequence has been given and that it is something that will happen each time an instruction is ignored. Once you have said what you need to say, leave the situation.

I understand this could lead to other behaviours or issues by doing this. However, this is why again I reference that this approach is not a quick fix, but an approach that is for the longer term. If this is done each time an instruction is not followed, with you taking the same steps, the same way with the same results, the child will begin to learn that it is not in their best interests to continue to ignore requests.

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At no point in time throughout this, have you issued warnings or threats to convince them to comply. Instead, they are learning through experience that they need to respect the authority of the parent and make a choice that is in their best interests. Again, how long this learning takes, will vary from child to child. However, on average, I would say try this over a 4/6 week period before starting to vary what you are doing.

Follow up praise.

On the other hand, if the instruction has been complied with, make sure you follow up in a positive way! Verbal praise, recognition, giving thanks or even rewards if you feel appropriate. Make the child feel positive about themselves and the actions they have taken. I have another blog post discussing praise and reward that you can read here. Even if the child is just showing improvement in their compliance, reinforcing it with some positive recognition can help build positive momentum.

7. Repetition and consistency.

Regardless of success or failure, a follow up is required. Ahead of time, try to think or what your follow up actions will look like. What consequences/rewards will you use? What will you say? How will you say it? Prepare in advance so you don’t have to think on the spot and follow the same structure each time you follow up an instruction.

Repetition is key!

Repetition and consistency is key to this working. If you respond differently each time, follow up sometimes and not others, children will quickly find the loop holes and blind spots. Therefore, you may feel in the first few weeks that this doesn’t work. That is exactly what the child wants you to think. If they are used to getting their own way, they won’t like that feeling of losing control. They will want to make life as unpleasant as possible for you, to make you change your mind.

Food for thought.

Ultimately, this approach may not be for everyone, which I completely understand. It may not work for every single child. However, it is an approach that I have seen can be hugely effective for a lot of parents out there. At the very least, I hope it has provided some useful food for thought of different approaches you can try to a common problem.

Question for the comments: Are there any points made in the post which you think you are going to try?

I hope you have enjoyed this post, please share your thoughts, stories or questions below in the comments. Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future posts.

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Useful links:

• 3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children
• Why Won’t My Child Listen To Me? (5 Questions To Consider)
• 5 Points to Consider when Establishing Sleeping Routines with Children
• 5 Effective Consequences for Teenagers and 5 Things to Avoid
• 5 Reasons Why Parents Need to Work Together and 3 Easy Ways of Doing So
• Why You Should Avoid Using Repeated Warnings/Threats with Your Children
• 10 Most Common Questions Struggling Parents Have Asked Me
• Why it is Important to Find the Root Cause of Your Child’s Behaviour