The Importance of Being Clear, Calm and Consistent – Parenting Tips

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Being a parent is hard! From day one, we face challenges of all shapes and sizes as we battle to raise our children as best we can. No matter how many parenting tips we have read, there are always days where we feel that no matter what we do, it isn’t good enough or our strategies simply aren’t working.

Over the years, I have worked with a number of parents who have found themselves overwhelmed with parenting tips, pieces of advice or strategies to try. All of which they try for a few days. They don’t work. Therefore, they change to a new strategy and the cycle repeats.

All the while, the child is learning that no matter what their parent tries, they know their parent will give up eventually.

It is a common cycle that parents fall into and a difficult cycle to get out of. Your confidence as a parent can drop, challenging behaviour increases and you feel you are losing control. Whether you have been in this cycle for weeks, months of years, it is reversable and you can get out of it.

Therefore, I wanted to share a parenting tip that I have seen help so many parents who are struggling to manage behaviours, set boundaries or implement routines with their children. This is is an concept that can be applied to a range of different parenting strategies. Think of this as laying the foundation for you to build on top of.

The parenting tip to remember is the three C’s: CLEAR – CALM – CONSISTENT.

The importance of being CLEAR:

Being clear is a subjective term. What one parent thinks is “clear”, will vary to another. For example, one parent may think being clear to the child is shouting instructions so they know the child hears them. Another parent may think being clear is by going into a lot of detail of exactly what they want to happen.

What I mean by being clear, is that you firstly have your child’s full attention. Your child is not distracted by TV, games or their phone. You have eye contact with them and their full attention is on you.

Secondly, you are speaking to them in a tone and volume that they can understand you. If you are shouting at your child, they are more than likely going to shut down and just think about wanting the shouting to end. Therefore, the message you are trying to send is completely missed. Equally, speaking to them in a condescending tone, will only create more resentment and the likelihood that they will ignore you anyway. Speak to them calmly, directly and as positively as you can.

Finally, seek clarification! One you have finished speaking, ensure you have been clear by asking your child to repeat what you have said, or confirm that they have understood what you have said to them. If your child is able to repeat what you have said accurately, you will know you have been clear with them.

Whether you are challenging a behaviour, making a request or implementing a new routine, being clear is an essential starting point. Therefore, do not overlook the impact this parenting tip can have. Think back to how you communicate with your child, is being more clear something you need to think about?

The importance of being CALM:

Remaining calm as a parent is easier said than done! Our children will push our buttons and seemingly know exactly what buttons to push and when. However, it is our responsibility as parents to role model a calm and in control demeanour as best we can.

The reality is though, it’s not like we can flick a switch in ourselves to stay calm. Therefore, this is something that some parents may need to consciously practice. However, as some food for thought, it can be helpful to think about the impact of losing our cool can have.

Firstly, you are your child’s biggest role model and seeing you lose your temper demonstrates to them that this is how you respond when things don’t go your way. Therefore, you are likely to see your child lose their temper more often with you or with others.

I remember a parent I worked with who was asking for some support, as his teenager kept swearing at him all the time. But whilst telling me this, the parent was casually inserting all the swear words you can think of into his normal vocabulary. I had to make the point to him, “so where do you think he gets this swearing from?” It is easy to forget that our children are learning from us all the time.

“Losing you temper will only serve to escalate situations”

Secondly, losing our temper will serve only to escalate situations. You may find in the short term it works, especially if the children are younger. However, there will come a time when that child is older, bigger and more confident and is prepared to stand up to this. It is typically more successful to try and de-escalate situations, rather than escalate them. This does not mean you are backing down or showing weakness. More so you are exerting control over yourself, the situation and demonstrating to the child that you are unmoved by their behaviour.

Finally, it may seem like a minor point, but my personal opinion is that raising your voice needs to be reserved for dangerous or important situations. For example, if my daughter was about to do something dangerous, I would want to be able to raise my voice and get her instant attention. However, if a child is so accustomed to being shouted at, they main learn as a default response to just ignore it. So as a parent, you have lost that strategy you can go to, to get your child’s attention instantly.

Again, staying calm is not easy and it is unrealistic to think that any parent is going to be able to remain calm all of the time. However, just ask yourself how often you find that you are losing your temper or losing control of your own emotions. Remember, if your child is trying to press your buttons and they see you lose your cool, they win!

The important of being CONSISTENT:

The last aspect of this parenting tip is perhaps the most important. Being consistent in everything you do as a parent. Consistency is the absolute key to having success as a parent. Whether it be a sleeping routine, getting your child to eat food, establishing a new rule or even getting your child up in the morning. If you are not consistent in your response, your chances of success fall dramatically.

When talking about consistency, this does not mean doing something for a few days or trying it a few times. Consistency is sticking to a plan, strategy or routine for the long term. Research has show that on average it can take 66 days for a behaviour to become automatic. Whilst this won’t be the case for every child, it gives you an idea of the level of consistency it may take from you as a parent to change a behaviour or set a new routine.

I have spoken with countless parents who will declare to me that they have “tried everything” to change their child’s behaviour and that, “nothing works”. My next question always is, “how long did you try each of these strategies for?” Because I can almost guarantee that it was not long enough and the fact you have stopped has shown me that you have given up and the child has won.

“Think about it from your child’s point of view”

Think about it from your child’s point of view. If they see you chopping and changing your approach all the time, all they learn is that their parents give up quickly. They learn that these new strategies will only be temporary. The child needs to simply dig their heels in for long enough and their parents will give up. This is how over time, the parent can feel that they are losing control.

Having a consistent routine or response helps your child learn where your boundaries are. It helps your child feel safe and secure, as it reduces your unpredictability, which children can struggle to cope with. Whilst you will still face challenges as a parent, this parenting tip sets you up with to be more successful in dealing with those challenges, as your child knows you stick to what you say and mean what you say.

(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)

Summary

Being clear, calm and consistent is a parenting tip that will ideally form the basis of how you implement strategies, routines and boundaries with your child. When used in unity with one another, it sets parents up to establish a dynamic at home in which they are in control, role modelling positive behaviours and most importantly, the child learns to respect their parents actions and what they say.

There are aspects of this parenting tip that may need practice. Don’t expect too much of yourself and think you are going to be perfect straight away. Take small steps. Think about what you want to change in yourself and how you want to change it.

Remember, it takes on average 66 days for a behaviour to become automatic, this applies to us parents too!

(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such).

Useful links:

• 3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children
• The Importance of Understanding Your Own Parenting
• 5 Effective Consequences for Teenagers and 5 Things to Avoid
• Advice for First Time Parents: 20 Parenting Tips for New Parents
• 5 Points to Consider when Establishing Sleeping Routines with Our Children