7 Ways Parents Can Deal With Sibling Rivalries

Estimated reading time: 0 minutes

I am the eldest of three brothers in my family. As a result, I have had to deal with my fair share of sibling rivalries growing up!

I still remember when I was around 11 years old, when I had a pair of large, green “Hulk Hands” that you could wear. They were brilliant! Naturally, these were used to punch my two younger brothers whenever I saw fit. Every now and then, we would decide to share the Hulk Hands and have a one-handed boxing match. Losing my patience, I would eventually steal the other Hulk Hand from my brother. I would then proceed to land an onslaught of foam punches on my defenceless brother. Of course, he would then cry. Which would lead me to go into panic mode and tell him not to tell our parents. When he did tell them, panic mode turned into full scale apology mode. At least until I could get my hands on him again!

The reality is, when you have multiple children together growing up and sharing the same home, sibling rivalries are likely to emerge. These sibling rivalries could just be good natured competition, that don’t present parents with too many challenges. Alternatively, they can be extreme and lead to repeated verbal or physical assaults on each other. These usually resulting in parents having to regularly intervene.

Whilst there is no way to completely prevent sibling rivalries from emerging, there are ways parents can reduce the frequency and intensity of them. There is no exact science to this. It largely depends on the family dynamics, the children’s personalities, and the family history. Even so, I have listed below 7 ways that I have seen first-hand, be effective in reducing the frequency and intensity of sibling rivalries in families.  

1. Encourage them to resolve issues themselves

One of the biggest challenges parents can face when it comes to dealing with sibling rivalries, is repeatedly having their children coming up to them to resolve their issues. Parents can be in the never-ending cycle of one of the children coming to them complaining about the other. That parent then must go and intervene and deal with what’s going on. Despite this, the same issues repeat, and the children just continue to argue, bicker, fight and complain to parents once again.

It is a cycle I have seen countless times in the families I have worked with. However, this cycle can be broken. Children are usually complaining to parents because they either want that parent to resolve the issue, to get the sibling in trouble or to fix a perceived injustice. If a parent continually fills this need, the children will continue to go to parents every time there is an issue.

Therefore, to get out of this cycle, a parent needs to encourage the siblings to resolve their own issues. So how do you do that?

Shifting responsibility

One way of doing so, is by shifting the responsibility of resolving the issues back to the children. If a child is running to the parent to resolve a problem with their sibling, they are trying to pass the responsibility on to the parent. This is the aspect that needs to change. Instead, a parent could inform the children ahead of time, that if there are any problems or arguments between them, it is their responsibility to resolve it themselves. Should the parent have to get involved because they are not resolving their own issues, both of the children will receive a consequence as a result.

If this is actioned and stuck to consistently by the parent, the children will become more independent in resolving their own issues. Of course, there are always going to be some instances in which this is not appropriate and parent involvement is needed. However, you can use your own judgement with this. Furthermore, the children’s age should also be factored in to ensure that they have the capacity to resolve their own issues. For example, toddlers are unlikely to be able to do this.

If successful, you will find that the children are coming to you with their sibling rivalries less often. This is because they know you are not going to do anything and that it may mean they both get into trouble. They will become more independent, resilient and be able to solve their own problems. All are skills which are useful for children as they grown.

Related Post: 5 Reasons Why Parents Need to Work Together

2. “Catch them being good!”

When I work with parents who are having issues with sibling rivalries, they will often tell me that their children, “NEVER play nicely together”. It can often feel this way. Especially if the parent is always having to resolve issues or having to always intervene when the siblings are arguing or fighting.

However, the reality is that there will be moments in which the siblings are playing nicely together. The issue can be that the parent may not notice or realise this. When the children are quiet, many parents will think, “Great! Finally, some peace and quiet”. Which is perfectly natural! Although, It is in these moments in which the children are displaying all the behaviours you want them to display more often. The children could be upstairs playing nicely together or may just be in the same room together, but not bothering each other.

Recognising the positives

If these are the behaviours you want your children to display more often, it is important to recognise them and tell the children. All that is required is to take a couple of minutes to go and recognise the positives. Go and tell the children how pleased you are that they are playing together nicely or are being more tolerant of one another.

Doing so, helps the children understand your expectations. It also identifies to them what specific behaviours you are looking for. This helps them understand what they need to do more often. Significantly, it makes the children feel good about behaving that way! The children can see and feel that behaving in such a way leads to positive responses and this motivates them to repeat this behaviour. The exact same way parents want to respond quickly to negative behaviour to prevent it happening.

Do this regularly and you will be surprised at how big an impact this can have in reducing the sibling rivalries!

Related Post: Why You Need to “Catch Your Kids Being Good”

3. Spend time together as a family

Whilst this may not have been something that immediately comes to mind when thinking about reducing sibling rivalries, it certainly can make a difference!

Spending time together as a family regularly, allows time for all members of the family to bond and build relationships. As a parent, it gives you an invaluable opportunity to see how the siblings interact and play together. But this is in an environment that can be controlled by the parent. It is a chance for parents to promote aspects like sharing, turn taking, speaking kindly to each other and a range of other areas that could reduce sibling rivalry.

Examples could be playing board games together, which could usually be source of conflict. However, if done as a family, parents can help guide the children to play together positively in a more controlled environment.

Again, the more the family spend time together, this will help all relationships in the household. Furthermore it will improve communication skills and helps parents educate their children on the necessary skills that allow them to play together positively and reduce any issues with sibling rivalries.

Related Post: 5 Ways of Improving Relationships With Your Children

4. Spend one to one time with each child

Sibling rivalries can sometimes emerge as a result of a perceived imbalance of attention that a parent gives each child. For example, you may have one child who participates in a lot of sporting events. This usually requires parents to take them or attend with them. The sibling may be more of a home-based child that has different interests that keep them at home. As a result, this could lead to the sibling at home spending less time with their parents. When this dynamic is sustained over time, jealousy can begin to emerge between the siblings. This jealousy can lead to increased conflict and rivalry as it becomes a competition for parents’ attention.

Finding an equal balance

Therefore, a simple way to avoid this is to create an equal balance of time that is spent one to one with each child. I usually advise this as good practice for all parents in any case. This one-to-one time with each child can have a range of benefits. Especially when it comes to reducing sibling rivalries.

I would also suggest that any one to one time spent with your child, is allocated to only them. Even if the other child is demanding to join in or wants your attention. If this happens, kindly tell them that you will come to them after your time spent with their sibling. This shows your child that they are your priority, and you want this time to be for the two of you.

Spending one to one time with all of your children, helps ensure that each are receiving the equal attention from parents. This can reduce the likelihood of sibling rivalry being based around a lack of attention.

Related Posts: 10 Simple Activities to Help Bond With Your Child

5. Don’t take sides

“It takes two people to have an argument”. This is a common saying and one I have used on many occasions when working with families. It is particularly relevant when it comes to sibling rivalries.

A child may come running to parents making allegations of the alleged crimes committed against them by their sibling. The parent then speaks to the sibling, who has a number of counter allegations to make. Meanwhile the parent is left none the wiser, with two unhappy children and no clear solution.

It is in these circumstances that I revert to the saying above. More often than not, parents will be unable to get to the bottom of what caused a specific incident. Both children will muddy the water with their versions of what has gone on!

Hold both sides accountable

Therefore, my suggestion for parents is to simply not take sides and instead hold both sides accountable. Unless it is clear that one side is at fault. It can impact the quality of relationship a child has with their parent, if they feel that they are continually not believed, or the parent takes the side of the sibling. Furthermore, the child may begin to think that if they are going to blamed or ignored regardless, they may just misbehave anyway. This is something I have seen quite a lot in families I have worked with.

In many ways, this is why my first suggestion in this post was to encourage the children to resolve their own problems. Doing so takes away the need for parents to take sides, or having to spend time trying to figure out what has happened. Instead, the parent can hold each side accountable for the role they have played. Remember, “It takes two people to have an argument!”

Related Posts: 5 Common Causes of Conflict Between Parents and How to Avoid it

10% off “My Baby Memories” products – Available via the banner below!

(“My Baby Memories” – Affiliate Link)

6. Have consistent family rules

Having consistent family rules, can have a positive impact in reducing sibling rivalries. If parents have clear and established rules in the home, this can remove many triggers for any sibling rivalry.

For example, having clear rules around the sharing of toys/games/devices within the home, can prevent siblings squabbling over who gets to play with what and when. On the other hand, if there are no rules around this, it can become a bit of a free for all, as each child fights to get what they want, when they want it.

It would be unrealistic to have rules to prevent all aspects that could cause a sibling rivalry. However, if there are family rules established and this is the norm in the home, it gives parents the opportunities to establish some more targeted rules around any key triggers for any sibling rivalry. If these rules are clear and understood by the children, it will reduce the likelihood of conflict. However, if conflict does continue, the children will already be aware of the coming consequences if the family rules are broken.

If family rules are an area you feel you need more support in, please feel free to read some of my posts on this topic below:

3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children

7 Steps to Encourage Your Child to Follow Instructions

9 Simple and Effective Reward Ideas to Help Motivate Your Child

7. Be a role model

My final suggestion is what can often be a forgotten aspect of parenting. This being that you are the child’s biggest role model!

This is important because your children will be constantly watching you and taking in everything you do. They absorb everything you say and how you respond across all aspects of your life. Whether you like it or not, your child is learning from all the good and bad things that you do and have done.

Take a moment to think about how your child perceives you. How do you respond to conflict? Does your child see you arguing with your own parents/siblings? Are you able to share things you enjoy with others, take turns and speak positively and kindly to others?

No parent is perfect

No parent is going to be a perfect role model all the time! So don’t beat yourself up if you are now thinking that there are lots of things your child sees you do, that you wish they didn’t.

However, if for example your child sees you arguing with your own sibling all the time, speaking negatively about them or maybe your sibling is just not a part of your life anymore, these things all shape how your children will view relationships with siblings. Some of these may be under your control, some may not be. Regardless, it is important to remember and consider that all these details can shape how your child behaves with their own siblings.

Therefore, parents can try and find opportunities to role model positive examples of managing conflict, communicating with your family and interacting with others. All of which will help your children learn over the longer term and may help reduce instances of sibling rivalry.

Related Posts: The Importance of Understanding Your Own Parenting

Summary

Sibling rivalries can come and go. There are several factors that can influence how frequent or intense they are. However, the suggestions above are all ways that I have seen work for families first-hand. The list is not exhaustive. Every family is different and some things work for some families and not for others. However, I hope that some of the suggestions above provide some helpful food for thought for parents who are having issues with sibling rivalries.

Please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences or stories in the comments below!

(This post contains links from affiliates of this blog. If you make a purchase via the links, you will get a discount and I will earn a small commission at no extra cost to yourself. So everybody wins! All affiliate links will be labelled as such).

Useful links:

• 3 Key Steps to Using Effective Consequences with Children
• 5 Ways of Improving Relationships with Your Children
• 5 Common Causes of Conflict Between Parents and How to Reduce it
• 10 Simple Activities to Help Bond with Your Child
• 5 Reasons Why Parents Need to Work Together and 3 Easy Ways of Doing So