Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Context around behaviour is important.
Finding the root cause of a behaviour is essential! Let me start by asking how you would respond to the following scenario…
Your child returns home from school. Immediately, without saying anything, they are shouting at you, swearing at you and starting to throw things around the house. How would you respond as a parent?
Many parents I have worked with in the past, would instinctually say that they are not allowing their child to behave that way. Parents may shout back, may issue consequences or some may ignore the behaviour, hoping it fizzles out and ends. If that was your initial thought, don’t worry, that is what a lot of parents would say.
Now I will add just one further piece of information to the scenario. On the way home from school, your child has just fallen out with their best friend after an argument. How would your response change?
One piece of information can change everything.
“Having a mindset that looks for the root cause of behaviour, can lead to significantly more positive outcomes.”
Understanding why a behaviour occurs (the root cause), can make a significant difference to how you respond to a behaviour. That one additional piece of information given in the scenario above, may change you from responding with consequences, to a more supportive and understanding approach. The behaviours were the same, however, the response to the behaviours completely change.
Having a mindset that looks for the root cause of behaviour, can lead to significantly more positive outcomes. Therefore, in this post I am going to discuss 4 reasons why it is important to find and understand the root cause of children’s behaviour.
1. Preventing repeated behaviour.
At times, it can be very challenging to pin point what the root cause of a behaviour is. Especially in the heat of the moment. When facing a challenging behaviour, our instinct often is to deal with what we see in front of us. However, asking ourselves why a behaviour is happening, is a much more effective way of avoiding repeated behaviour.
Smokescreens.
I often say to parents that the behaviours we see from our children, can often be a smokescreen for what is really happening. Switching your mindset to a one in which you are trying to see through that smokescreen, will benefit both parents and the child.
If successful, finding the root cause will allow a parent to ensure they are addressing the issue that is fuelling the behaviour. In many situations, this root cause can be something that stems from outside of the home and has nothing to do with the parent. However, once a parent finds the root cause for the behaviour, it gives that parent a lot more clarity to make a more informed decision of how to respond. Once a parent has this clarity and they respond in an appropriate way to address the root cause, the resulting impact will more often than not, be seeing a significant decline in repeated behaviours.
Example.
To illustrate my point, you may have a child that responds in a highly emotional or aggressive way when they are asked to do their homework. It is the same issue day after day and as a parent, you have tried consequences but there is still no change in their behaviour. If the root cause in this scenario is that the child has difficulties reading, consequences will have little to no impact in changing the outcome. However, should the parent explore and identify that this is the root cause, a more appropriate supportive approach can be taken with the child. Once this appropriate support is in place, this results in a much better chance of preventing the behaviour and having more successful outcomes.
This is of course a made up example, however, you may want to think of some common issues you have with your child. Behaviours you see day in day out, or week in week out. Do you know why these behaviours happen?
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2. Understand the triggers for behaviour.
Knowing the triggers for your child’s behaviour, can be a very useful piece of knowledge to have. It allows you to plan around these triggers and ensure they are avoided if at all possible. However, in order to understand and find out what these triggers are, it requires parents to be curious, recognise patterns in behaviour and be observant.
“We need to find out”.
If a parent is not looking to find the triggers, you won’t find them. It is something parents need to actively think about. I would ask you to think of some behaviours of your own child, do you know what triggers that behaviour? When I ask this to the parents I work with, the answer I usually get is, “I don’t know”. Therefore, my initial response is usually to say, “We need to find out”.
Responding to a behaviour without knowing the triggers for that behaviour, usually indicates that the response taken is more in hope or is just guess work. I will use the analogy of being at a crossroads and not knowing which turn to take. You could guess and be right some of the time, but more often than not you won’t be. The best solution is to find out which way you need to go before setting off. Knowing the trigger for behaviour, allows you to make the right choice more of the time.
Control.
A common trigger for behaviours in children can be around control. This could be a child not getting their own way. It could be the child being told what to do and not getting a say, or not being listened to. If a child usually displays negative behaviour when they do not get their own way, knowing that trigger in advance can help you plan around it. For example, providing a child with choices creates the illusion they are in control and dictating what is happening. In reality, they are picking from pre-approved options given to them by the parent. Using choices, could lead to a reduced chance of negative behaviours being displayed by a child who is triggered by control. This would be all because the parent knew the trigger, planned around it and changed their approach.
3. Supporting your child to change.
Understanding why behaviours happen or what triggers a child to misbehave, gives parents the opportunity to support their children to change. Supporting a child to change, can be a lot more effective than making your child change. Trying to make a child change their behaviour, can lead to arguments, poorer relationships and usually, more behaviour. However, supporting a child to change by addressing the root cause, can have a number of positive effects.
Behaviour is just another form of communication.
When a child misbehaves, they are trying to tell you that something is wrong. My belief is that, very rarely does behaviour occur without an underlying cause, reason or unmet need. I have had a great deal of success with parents who have embraced this approach and found these unmet needs or underlying causes. However, these positive changes extend beyond just a positive change in behaviour. Which is something I will discuss below.
This approach often requires a lot of patience. Children challenge us and test us as parents. However, I would encourage you to remember the “smokescreen” I mentioned earlier. Try to see past the behaviour as much as possible and find that root cause.
4. Builds trusts and a more positive relationships.
Labels on children.
“Imagine being in the shoes of a child, who is struggling with an aspect of their life, which is coming out through their behaviour, but they are being blamed or labelled as a result of their struggles.”
Sometimes children can incorrectly be labelled as “naughty children”. Schools in particular can be guilty of this. Whereas in reality, these children will likely just have unmet needs that nobody has identified. This is often why Special Educational Needs children go so long without a diagnosis.
Imagine being in the shoes of a child, who is struggling with an aspect of their life, which is coming out through their behaviour, but they are being blamed or labelled as a result of their struggles.
Now, step into the shoes of a child who has the same struggles in their life, however, someone has taken that time to understand why and has offered the support the child needed. How would you as the child feel about the people around you in the first scenario, compared to the second?
Supporting the child, helps build trust. It improves relationships with that child, which in turn lay the foundation for more success in the future. For some children, building a positive relationship or trust can take a lot of time. However, once that trust and understanding is established, it can create a culture of more openness. This makes it easier for the parent or adult working with that child. It can be really reassuring for a child to know that their parent will support them when they need it.
So how do we find the root cause?
So we have explored some of the key reasons why it is important to understand the root causes of behaviour. The next question is, how do we find the root cause?
It can be easier said than done. It can take time and persistence. However, there is a simple one word question that you can ask yourself to help you get on the right tracks. Why?
Asking yourself why a behaviour happens, sets the ball rolling in the right direction and can lead you down an interesting path that helps you understand your child better. Keep asking yourself why, until you hit a point in which you could say that you have identified the trigger or root cause.
Ask yourself “Why?”
Say for example your child doesn’t get out of bed in the morning to go to school. Why? They aren’t getting enough sleep. Why? They are going to bed too late. Why? Because they are playing their video games too much before bed. Why? Because they can. There is no bedtime routine so they child chooses what to do. There is the root cause. As a result, rather than giving a consequence to the child for not getting up in the morning, an alternative approach may be establishing an evening routine to control game time.
Some behaviours are easy to explore, some take a lot of time an effort to understand. However, I would encourage all parents to start asking why a little more often. Especially, if you are seeing repeated behaviours and do not know what is causing them.
Question for the comments: What are some of the triggers for your child’s behaviour?
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Thank you so much for rasing these issues. I don’t always get it right, but I try to look at the underlying reason and remember all behaviour is communication .
Useful parenting tips especially for new and aspiring parents.
Very helpful advice. And I’m fully in support of putting a stop to ‘repeated bad behaviour’
Very informative
Thanks for sharing
Very informative, I always like to remember that children are humans who go through stuff too and it’s important to realize that when dealing with hard behaviors.